Genealogy Humor

Elise, believe it or not, I think "Nutty" is a family name!!! Glad I didn't grow up with that as a last name--kids can be soooo cruel!!! I agree with your thoughts about Skype.

Here are some more of Maxine's Questions: (These are some really good questions!!!)

Questions (Part 2)

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
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Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
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Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
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Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
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If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
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Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
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Here are the last of Maxine's questions. Hope you have found a few that have resulted in a chuckle or laugh!!!

Questions Part 3

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
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How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
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And A FAVORITE:

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK…? (then it's you!)


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REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!!!

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Now, stop laughing long enough to forward this onto somebody else who could also use a good chuckle!!

8. Humpty Dumpty Rhyme

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses, And all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again!



Alternative Words...


Humpty dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty dumpty had a great fall;

Threescore men and threescore more,

Could not place Humpty as he was before.

The imagery of Humpty Dumpty: Humpty Dumpty was a colloquial term used in fifteenth century England describing someone who was obese. This has given rise to various, but inaccurate, theories surrounding the identity of Humpty Dumpty. The image of Humpty Dumpty was made famous by the illustrations included in the 'Alice through the looking glass' novel by Lewis Carroll. However, Humpty Dumpty was not a person pilloried in the famous rhyme!



The History and Origins of the Rhyme: Humpty Dumpty was in fact believed to be a large cannon! It was used during the English Civil War (1642 - 1649) in the Siege of Colchester (13 Jun 1648 - 27 Aug 1648).

Colchester was strongly fortified by the Royalists and was laid to siege by the Parliamentarians (Roundheads). In 1648 the town of Colchester was a walled town with a castle and several churches and was protected by the city wall. Standing immediately adjacent the city wall, was St Mary's Church. A huge cannon, colloquially called Humpty Dumpty, was strategically placed on the wall next to St Mary's Church. The historical events detailing the siege of Colchester are well documented - references to the cannon (Humpty Dumpty) are as follows:
▪ June 15th 1648 - St Mary's Church is fortified and a large cannon is placed on the roof which was fired by ‘One-Eyed Jack Thompson'

▪ July 14th / July 15th 1648 - The Royalist fort within the walls at St Mary's church is blown to pieces and their main cannon battery (Humpty Dumpty) is destroyed.

▪ August 28th 1648 - The Royalists lay down their arms, open the gates of Colchester and surrender to the Parliamentarians.

A shot from a Parliamentary cannon succeeded in damaging the wall beneath Humpty Dumpty which caused the cannon to tumble to the ground. The Royalists, or Cavaliers, 'all the King's men' attempted to raise Humpty Dumpty on to another part of the wall. However, because the cannon , or Humpty Dumpty, was so heavy ' All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again!' This had a drastic consequence for the Royalists as the strategically important town of Colchester fell to the Parliamentarians after a siege lasting eleven weeks. Earliest traceable publication 1810.

From: http://listverse.com/2012/11/28/10-sinister-origins-of-nursery-rhymes/

Humpty Dumpty wasn’t a real person; nor was he an odd, fragile egg-shaped thing. It turns out that Humpty Dumpty was a cannon. Owned by the supporters of King Charles I, Humpty Dumpty was used to gain control over the city of Colchester during the English Civil War. Once in Colchester, the cannon sat on church tower until a barrage of cannonballs destroyed the tower and sent Humpty into the marshland below. Although retrieved, the cannon was beyond repair. Humpty the cannon was a feared and effective weapon – as the full rhyme demonstrates:

In sixteen hundred and forty-eight


When England suffered pains of state


The Roundheads laid siege to Colchester town


Where the King’s men still fought for the crown.
There one-eyed Thompson stood on the wall


A gunner with the deadliest aim of all


From St Mary’s tower the cannon he fired


Humpty Dumpty was his name.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall


Humpty Dumpty had a great fall


All the King’s horses and all the King’s men


Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again!

And you though it was all about an egg? A 19th century illustration in Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass created this myth. When Alice talks to Humpty Dumpty on the wall, the illustrator – apparently at a whim – made him egg-shaped. Given the popularity of the book, a generation of kids grew up thinking that Humpty Dumpty was a nonsense rhyme about an egg, rather than a fearsome killing machine.

TODAY IS International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/ahoy-talk-pirate-day-horizon-...

Bill, I didn't know of this important day. So to make up for my oversight, here is a joke in honor of this day, even if it is late. I hope everyone enjoys it.

Captain and the Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

Here is another one. Let me know which one you liked the best...

Pirate Goes to a Bar

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Good one!

9. Jack Sprat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat

His wife could eat no lean

And so betwixt the two of them

They licked the platter clean
Jack ate all the lean,
Joan ate all the fat.
The bone they picked it clean,
Then gave it to the cat
Jack Sprat was wheeling,

His wife by the ditch.

The barrow turned over,

And in she did pitch.
Says Jack, "She'll be drowned!"

But Joan did reply,

"I don't think I shall,

For the ditch is quite dry."

Origins to words of Jack Sprat can be found in British History!
The Jack Sprat alluded to in this English poem is reputed to be King Charles I (1625-1649) and Henrietta Maria, his Queen (1609-1669). Apparently, when King Charles (Jack Sprat) declared war on Spain, parliament refused to finance him (leaving him lean!) So his wife imposed an illegal war tax (to get some fat!) after the angered King (Jack Sprat) dissolved Parliament.

The Robin Hood Legend! Another interpretation of the Jack Sprat Nursery rhyme relates to the story of Richard I (Richard the Lionheart 1157 - 1199) and his younger brother King John (1166 - 1216). Both of whom feature strongly in the traditional legend of Robin Hood.

Prince John, Richard the Lionheart and the Ransom! In 1189 John (Jack Sprat) married Joan, the ambitious and greedy daughter and heiress of the Earl of Gloucester ("Joan ate all the fat"). When King Richard went on Crusade, from 1190 to 1194, John attempted to take the crown of England - a ruthless and treacherous usurper). On his return from the Crusades King Richard was taken hostage by Duke Leopold demanding a ransom of 150,000 marks. John reluctantly had to raise the ransom, leaving the country destitute for years and reducing John's inheritance ("They picked it clean"). The ransom was paid and Richard was released. John was crowned King of England following the death of Richard in 1199. He had his marriage to Joan annulled, she was never acknowledged as queen. She then married again to Geoffrey de Mandeville and her third husband was Hubert de Burgh.

I love Maxine, but she does tend to be kind of negative when it comes to men, soooooo I thought I would give the men something they can say, "You've got that right" or something similar... You have all seen Maxine in at least one cartoon... Marvin has a mustache and potbelly & is sitting in a chair in his BVD's, holding a can (beer?) and his feet on a footstool. He also has a red cap on with the bill in the back---(not much variety for him--just comments that differ!) Hope you laugh at these!!! Be aware, there are a couple that are very "naughty", but then he's a guy...

Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!!

"Her job is to Bitch... Mine is to give her a reason!"

Men strike back!

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Fact: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
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Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
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Q. When will women be equal to men?
A. When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Fact: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Fact: I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Guns don't kill people.... Husbands who come home early kill people.
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When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
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My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your butt, but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."
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I was walking down the road and saw my Arab neighbor, Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"
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I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
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I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning..." He said, "No, just taking a shit."
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I'm not attracted by a girlie's mind... But by what she doesn't mind.
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Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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There are only two four letter words that are offensive to me--don't and stop... unless they are used together.
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A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises... without restricting the view.
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Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle it!

AND MAXINE SAYS............ 'MARVIN'...
"Wipe you mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips."

thanks I have more then a few people here that i'd love to send it too all of them are on geni but some might take it the wrong way ha ha

Michael, (and everyone else),
Please feel free to copy/paste any of the info/humor here. After all, humor is meant to be shared. You may want to preface any that are a little "naughty" just to avoid offending others... Sorry to say, but some people are all to ready to be offended!!! My goal with this discussion is to create some laughs, chuckles, groans or even a "Hummmmm, I didn't know that...".

Food for thought: "If worry is interest paid on troubles we haven't had yet, quilt is pain wasted on what can't be changed."

Have a great day. Share a smile. You never know what kind of day those you come in contact with are having.
Hugs & Angels be with you,
Pat

Ooops that should be guilt is pain wasted....
Pat

The food for thought above brought to mind how often we all let worry dictate our thoughts and sometimes actions (myself included!) Soooo, I looked to see what I could find on worry. Hope some of this "speaks" to you. I know there were several that "spoke" to me...

Worry Humor & Quotes

If you don't worry about things until they happen, you'll save yourself a lot of trouble, because most of the things we worry about never happen.

"I am an old man and have had a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." ― Mark Twain

Worrying takes up just as much time as work, but work pays better dividends.

"Worry, the interest paid by those who borrow trouble." ― George W. Lyon

"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us." ― Voltaire

"Worry is an abuse of God's gift of imagination." ― Corrine Lajeunesse

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength." ― A. J. Cronin

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due." ― W. R. Inge

"Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime, and too sleepy to worry at night." ― Leo Aikman

Worry: Mountain climbing over molehills. Daffynition And Definition Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laught...

Worry is like a rocking chair; It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere. ― Author Unknown

Don't worry that there won't be a tomorrow; it's already tomorrow in Australia.
Don’t worry, just Breath. If it’s meant to be, it will find it’s way to you.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ― Corrie ten Boom

“How would your life be different if… You stopped worrying about things you can’t control and started focusing on the things you can? Let today be the day… You free yourself from fruitless worry, seize the day and take effective action on things you can change.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

“If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.”
― Śāntideva

“Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not.” ― Ana Monnar

Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and keep you very busy doing nothing.

Don’t worry about what people say behind your back, they are the people who are finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life.

One small crack does not mean that you are broken; it means that you were put to the test and you didn’t fall apart. ― Linda Poindexter

Since the last was sort of serious, I wanted to add something that may result in a laugh or a groan.

Cruising at 40,000 Feet…

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crewmember attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Groan!

Job: Worry for Me…

Ted, fresh out of business school, was being interviewed for a job as an accountant. The interviewer was a very nervous man who ran the small business he had started by himself.

The man said, "What I'm in need of is someone with an accounting degree. Mainly, I'm looking for someone who will do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" Ted said.

"I worry about many things, but I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job would be to take all the financial worries off my back," replied the man.

"OK. How much does the job pay?" asked Ted.

"To start, sixty-five thousand dollars," was the man's reply.

"Sixty-five thousand dollars!" exclaimed Ted. "How on earth can such a small business afford a salary like that?"

"That, Ted, is your first worry!" was the reply.

Here is another Nursery Rhyme FYI:

10. Little Boy Blue Rhyme

A Little Boy Blue come blow your horn,

The sheep's in the meadow the cow's in the corn.

But where's the boy who looks after the sheep?

He's under a haystack fast asleep.

Will you wake him?
No, not I - for if I do, he's sure to cry

The Origins of the Little Boy Blue story - A Connection with Tudor History?
 The words and story of Little Boy Blue cannot be positively connected to any historical figure in history but there is, however, a theory that 'Little Boy Blue' refers to Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (1475-1530) dating back to English Tudor history and the reign of King Henry VIII. Wolsey was an extremely rich and arrogant self-made man with many enemies at court and was unpopular with the people of England. He was called the "Boy Bachelor" after obtaining his degree from Oxford at the unusually early age of fifteen. The expression "Blowing one's own horn" meaning to brag was certainly practiced by Cardinal Wolsey. Between 1514 and 1525 he transformed a medieval manor into the magnificent Hampton Court Palace. It was an ostentatious display of his wealth and his power giving rise to the rhyme uttered by his enemies:
"Come ye to court? Which Court?
 The King's Court or Hampton Court?"

The anti-Wolsey propaganda worked and in 1529 Henry declared all of Wolsey's lands and possessions forfeit and they became the property of the Crown. At this time England was a prosperous nation largely through the wool trade and the export taxes on wool had augmented both Henry's treasury and Wolsey's assets. The words "where's the boy who looks after the sheep?" could refer to Wolsey's concern with lining his own coffers as opposed to that of the country. The cardinal's robes were scarlet but Wolsey's Blazon of Arms included the blue faces of four leopards - perhaps this was why the title of the rhyme is Little Boy Blue? The Little Boy Blue rhyme may have been a secret message of dissent concerning the greed of the statesman prior to his downfall. Open criticism of the Cardinal would have lead to imprisonment, confiscation of property or even death. Another rhyme reputedly relating to Cardinal Wolsey is Old Mother Hubbard.

The Bickerson Family…

I'm sure I have run into a few descendants of this family on the genealogy mailing lists. How bout you??

The BICKERSONS
• Ima Bickerson married R.U. Crabby years ago........
• Their children -
• Discontented Devan
• Erritable Ella
• Grouchy Gerta
• Unhappy Ulam
• Patience and Respect (twins) died off early
• THIS FAMILY SPREAD IT'S SEED COAST TO COAST

Here's another Naughty Story (I'm only the messenger)...and of course "Naughty is only in the eye of the beholder...."

A young couple returned from their honeymoon. The brides mother could hardly contain herself and kept pumping her daughter for the details. The daughter finally gave in and told her mother it was one of the most terrible times she ever had.
She said, "Mom it went on all night. It was in and out, up and down then in and out all over and over again...it didn't end...I couldn't get a moment's sleep!!!"
Mom remarked that if her new son-in-law was such a self obsessed "putz".... the daughter was welcome to move back home.

The daughter thanked her mother and said..." oh no he was wonderful, it was just the damn elevator across the hall from our room!!!"

Too funny!!!! That one was one of those "Where was your mind?"

Anno Domini
Translated from latin scroll dated 2BC



Dear Cassius:


Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

The moneylenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It’s an ill wind....

As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

If you have any ideas please let me know,

Plutonius

Most of you are too young to know who "The Bickersons" really were. We bought a Comedy Album of theirs in the 1970's they were drop dead funny...although a little dated:

The Bickersons was a radio comedy sketch series that began in 1946 on NBC, moving the following year to CBS where it continued until 1951. The show's married protagonists, portrayed by Don Ameche and Frances Langford, spent nearly all their time together in relentless verbal war.
The typical Miller introduction would set the scene:

The Bickersons... have retired. Three o'clock in the morning finds Mrs. Bickerson wide awake and anxious, as poor husband John, victim of contagious insomnia, or Schmoe's Disease, broadcasts the telltale signs of the dreaded affliction. Listen...
The listener heard a chorus of low-roaring snoring, punctuated occasionally with something that sounded like laughing. Blanche would awaken John, even at three in the morning, and the feuding would continue with their trademark arguments about John's job, Blanche's domestic abilities, John's alleged eye for neighbor Gloria Gooseby, Blanche's shiftless brother Amos (played by Danny Thomas) or John's taste for bourbon. Rounding out the cast was future children's television favorite Pinky Lee in occasional supporting roles.

As New York Herald Tribune critic John Crosby described them (in the May 25, 1948 column which gave the couple their nickname, "The Bickering [Battling? See Talk] Bickersons"):

Blanche... is one of the monstrous shrews of all time. She makes her husband... take two jobs, a total of 16 working hours, in order to bring in more money which she squanders on minks and the stock market. Meanwhile, he can't afford a new pair of shoes and goes around with his feet painted black. In the few hours he has to sleep, she heckles him all night with the accusation that he doesn't love her. Her aim appears to be to drive her husband crazy and she succeeds very nicely. The harassed John's only weapon is insult, at which he's pretty good.

As transcribed by John Crosby, this was a typical Bickersons exchange:

B: You used to be so considerate. Since you got married to me you haven't got any sympathy at all.
J: I have, too. I've got everybody's sympathy.
B: Believe me, there's better fish in the ocean than the one I caught.
J: There's better bait, too.
B: I don't see how you can go to bed without kissing me good night.
J: I can do it.
B: You'd better say you're sorry for that, John.
J: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
B: You are not.
J: I am too. I'm the sorriest man that was ever born.
B: Is there any milk for breakfast?
J: No.
B: Then you'll have to eat out.
J: I don't care, I've been doing it all week.
B: What for? I left you enough food for six days. I cooked a whole bathtub full of rice. What happened to it?
J: I took a bath in it.
B: Why didn't you eat it?
J: I've told you a million times I can't stand the sight of rice.
B: Why not?
J: Because it's connected to the saddest mistake of my life.
B: You stopped loving me the day we were married.
J: That wasn't the day at all.

Norm,
Thanks for the explanation. I didn't realize it was a radio program. I just thought the names were funny. Now it is even funnier!!!

CAUTION



From The Greensborough Patriot (a weekly published newspaper)
17 March 1830



Whereas my wife THANKFUL (or more properly speaking THANKLESS) 
manifests no disposition to act the part of an obedient companion, 
but continues to run me in debt beyond my ability to pay. 
This is therefore to inform all whom it may concern that I have resolved 
to be hen-pecked no longer and that I am determined to pay no more debts 
of her contracting. Now reap the benefits of your doing! 

Guilford, March 7, 1930 signed: ROBERT ARMFIELD


COMPUTERS WERE INVENTED TO DO GENEALOGY



A computer is a typewriter with an attitude. 

Computer Genealogy: working out where your computer came from. 
FAM_TREE.LST not found. Create new genealogist? (Y/N) 

I have to stop now. My fingers are getting hoarse! 

"I had quite a problem making a GEDCOM transfer of one of my ancestors into another genealogy program. 

Things got so bad I had to give him mouse to mouse resuscitation!" 
Death is just nature's way of dropping the carrier. 

If only ancestors came with pull-down menus and on-line help... 

My life has become one large GEDCOM!! 

New mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)

Not tonight dear, I'm loading in Family Tree Maker 5.0b! 
PAF the Magic Dragon: a carriage to the past. 

Ancestor files - a meeting place of cousins! 

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a 600 mhz Pentium II so you can reboot faster. 
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 

{-------- The information went data way --------} 

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression 
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding 

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay… 

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" 
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? 
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . 

Who is General Failure & why's he reading my disk? 

Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... 
SYSTEM ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS 

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 


things money can't buy 1. Honesty
2. Luck
3. Respect
4. Wisdom
5. Class
6. Happiness
7. Integrity
8. Humility
9. Compassion
10. Patience
11. Common Sense
12. A Long Life
13. Good Friends
14. A Great Idea
15. Peace Of Mind
16. Skill Building
17. Self Sufficiency
18. Close Knit Family
19. Proper Perspective
20. Strong Work Ethic
21. Work Life Balance
22. A Good Reputation
23. Well Adjusted Kids
24. An Honest Politician
25. A 2nd Chance At A Missed Opportunity
26. Preparedness For Your Family
27. Appreciation Of Simple Things
28. A Golden Anniversary
29. Peace In The World
30. Enough Hours In A Day
31. A Clear Conscience
32. A Worry Free Day
33. A New Beginning
34. Purpose In Life
35. Time To Relax
36. Natural Beauty
37. Grandchildren
38. Good Health
39. An Open Mind
40. A Happy Home
41. Education
42. Good Karma
43. True Love
44. Manners
45. Justice
46. Talent
47. Equality
48. Trust Faith, Knowledge, Experience, Time and Inner peace but more importantly enough cash to buy the books of research for all your ancestors!

AMEN!!! Michael, what a comprehensive and awesome list!!!

I agree with most of them. Money does help with some - at least for some of them - Skill Building - A 2nd Chance At A Missed Opportunity- A New Beginning - Education - . You sure got the last one right - " and definitely enough cash to buy the books of research for all your ancestors!"

Elise, you're right, money can't buy most of them, but it can or is needed to buy the support for some of them...