Genealogy Humor

The first one is a problem for me, only I have stopped reading & going to the BR before going to sleep @ 3am... just can't stop myself from checking the computer one more time......... I can identify with a few others also. How about you???

It's Time You Turn Your Computer Off If . . . 



You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 

You name your first two children "Eudora" and "Dotcom." 

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you'd just pulled the plug on a loved one. 

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap 
and your child in the overhead compartment. ** 

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 

You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 

You start using smileys in your snail mail. 

You find yourself typing "com" after every period 
when using a word processor.com 

You can't call your mother; she doesn't have a modem. 

You check your mail. It says "no new messages"; so you check it again.
You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, 
because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. 

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape. 

You tell the cab driver you live at 
http://1000.garden/house/brick.html 

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

How did you know I do all these things? Are you one of those people that call me and tell me that you have accessed my computer, I have a virus, and you want to fix it for me ? :)

.....Come On...Everyone knows G-d created the 3:00am Pee Break so you can get a headstart on clearing out the 70 or so SPAM messages that will be waiting for you when you wake up for real at 4:45 am!!!

11. Little Jack Horner Rhyme

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner

Eating his Christmas pie,

He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum

And said "What a good boy am I!"

16th Century History origin of the Little Jack Horner story? Little Jack Horner was reputed to have been the Steward to Richard Whiting (1461 - 1539) the Bishop of Glastonbury. The Steward had an important role and was responsible for managing the household, collecting taxes and keeping accounts.

The Church, the King and the Gold: Glastonbury was the largest and wealthiest Abbey in England and this Benedictine Monastery owned extensive lands and manors in the county of Somerset. Between 1536 and 1540, after breaking away from the Catholic Church, King Henry VIII and his chief minister Thomas Cromwell set about the systematic Dissolution of all of the Monasteries in England. The reason for was to loot the monasteries of their gold and silver and seize the monastic lands. By 1539 Glastonbury was the only religious house left in Somerset and it was only at matter of time before Glastonbury Abbey was also seized.

The Bribe: It is rumored that the Bishop tried to bribe the King. He sent his Steward, Richard Whiting, with a gift of twelve title deeds to various English manorial estates. The deeds were said to have been secreted in a pie (valuables were often hidden in this bizarre fashion to thwart thieves). Whiting (Little Jack Horner) realized that the bribe would do no good and was said to have stolen the deeds to the manor of Mells (it being the real 'plum' of the twelve manors).



The Traitor and the Execution: The remaining eleven manors were given to the crown but to no avail. The old Bishop was convicted of treason for remaining loyal to Rome. The jury included his treacherous steward Horner who found Bishop Whiting guilty and sent the old man to a terrible death of being hung, drawn and quartered on Glastonbury Tor. The Abbey was destroyed. Following the destruction of the abbey the steward, Horner moved into the Manor of Mells. Whether Horner actually stole the deeds to the Manor or was rewarded with them for helping to convict the Bishop of Glastonbury is not known but the Manor of Mells became the property of the Horner family who lived there until the 20th century. The first publication date for the lyrics to the Little Jack Horner rhyme is 1725.

Sister Barbara...

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

If these don't result in a few chuckles, you may need to have your funny bone checked!!! Then again, you may agree with tooooo many to laugh!!!

Pondering…

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
... If walking were good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
... A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
... A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise??? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE... ?????????

"The happiest moments of my life have been in the flow of affection among friends." Thomas Jefferson, 1743-1826.

(I'm only the messenger...I swear this sounds like the "Sweddy Balls" X-mas Candy bit with Alec Baldwin on Saturday Night Live)

****************

Mouse balls and mouse ball inspector: I don' t know how they wrote this with a straight face..
This was an actual memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

******

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

Now that I have read thru this again, I am not sure that this is as funny as I initially thought with all that is going on in the world today. However, from a kid's point of view... & not an adult's or religious point of view...

How To Get Into Heaven According to Children

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued: "So, how can I get into Heaven?"

Five-year-old Sean shouted out, "YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD."

A Pregnant Laugh

COURT DOCKET #12659 
-- ???
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. 
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'well your 
Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.


Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick, ' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident! ' ...I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!!' 

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS--Ouch!!
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words:

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.....if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.....for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho
===============

Thanks Susan for your contribution. These are tooooo funny!!!

THE CHOICE

An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king.

The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favorite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:

"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."

The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.

The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.

The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.

Some might consider this one a little "naughty". I hope you laugh anyway!!!

Late again!!

“Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Johnny.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell out at the farm we got this here low down fox.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again, I'm a gonna git him!”

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."

"As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack! Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'


Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'


St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:
What is God's first name?'


Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'


Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'


The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'


Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '


'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?


'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'


'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'


Lord, Give me a sense of humor,
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks!

(I'm only the messenger...this is politically incorrect)

Bungee jump advertisement from Britain...

"Experience Bungee Jumping...
only $125. (pounds) a Jump.

Muslims Go Free...No Strings Attached"!!!

12. London bridge is falling down - Nursery Rhyme

London Bridge is falling down,

Falling down, falling down,

London Bridge is falling down,

My fair Lady.


Build it up with wood and clay,

Wood and clay, wood and clay,

Build it up with wood and clay,

My fair Lady.


Wood and clay will wash away,

Wash away, wash away,

Wood and clay will wash away,

My fair Lady.


Build it up with bricks and mortar,

Bricks and mortar, bricks and mortar,

Build it up with bricks and mortar,

My fair Lady.


Bricks and mortar will not stay,

Will not stay, will not stay,

Bricks and mortar will not stay,

My fair Lady.


Build it up with iron and steel,

Iron and steel, iron and steel,

Build it up with iron and steel,

My fair Lady.


Iron and steel will bend and bow,

Bend and bow, bend and bow,

Iron and steel will bend and bow,

My fair Lady.


Build it up with silver and gold,

Silver and gold, silver and gold,

Build it up with silver and gold,

My fair Lady.


Silver and gold will be stolen away,

Stolen away, stolen away,

Silver and gold will be stolen away,

My fair Lady.


Set a man to watch all nigh,

Watch all night, watch all night,

Set a man to watch all night,

My fair Lady.


Suppose the man should fall asleep, 

Fall asleep, fall asleep,

Suppose the man should fall asleep? 

My fair Lady.


Give him a pipe to smoke all night,

Smoke all night, smoke all night,

Give him a pipe to smoke all night,

My fair Lady.

The Wooden Bridge: 
The 'London Bridge is falling down' Nursery Rhyme is based on the one of the most famous landmarks in London. Its history can be traced to the Roman occupation of England in the first century. The first London Bridge was made of wood and clay and was fortified or re-built with the various materials mentioned in the children's nursery rhyme. Many disasters struck the bridges - Viking invaders destroyed the bridge in the 1000’s, which led to a fortified design, complete with a drawbridge. Building materials changed due to the many fires that broke out on the bridge.

The Stone Bridge: 
The first stone bridge was designed by Peter de Colechurch and built in 1176 and took 33 years to build and featured twenty arches the dimensions of which were sixty feet high and thirty feet wide and was complete with tower and gates. The flow of the Thames under the bridge was used to turn water wheels below the arches for grinding grain. By the 1300's the bridge contained 140 shops, some of which were more than three stories high. (The reference to Silver and Gold in the rhyme relates to the trading which was conducted on the bridge).

London Bridge survived the Great Fire of London in 1666 but its arches and foundations were weakened. (Buildings with thatched roofs were banned in London following the Great Fire of 1666 and this ban was only lifted with the construction of the New Globe Theater in 1994 - the following website is highly recommended for further details of the Globe william-shakespeare.info



The Modern Re-builds!
 In the 1820s a new London Bridge was built on another site, north of the old one. This new bridge opened in 1831 and the old bridge was demolished. In the 1960s yet another London Bridge was built.

The London Bridge of 1831 was transported, stone by stone, to Lake Havasu in Arizona, USA.

NB There is another Nursery Rhyme called 'London bridge is broken down' - its origins relate to Queen Anne Boleyn - fascinating! And for other surprising revelations about Executions, Torturers and Lord Mayors check out London Bells a Nursery Rhyme containing the original lyrics to Oranges and Lemons!

From: http://mentalfloss.com/article/55035/dark-origins-11-classic-nurser...

LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN (1744). In 2006, Fergie got saucy with some of this classic kid tune’s lyrics. But the original song wasn’t much better. Depending on whom you ask, “London Bridge is Falling Down” could be about a 1014 Viking attack, child sacrifice, or the normal deterioration of an old bridge. But the most popular theory seems to be that first one. More specifically: the alleged destruction of London Bridge at the hands of Olaf II of Norway some time in the early 1000s. (“Alleged” because some historians don’t believe that attack ever took place.) The song’s popularity around the world is often cited as further proof that it was the Vikings who created it, believing that they brought the tune to the many places they traveled. Oh, and that whole child sacrifice thing? That’s an idea that is also often debated (there’s no archaeological evidence to support it), but the theory goes that in order to keep London Bridge upright, its builders believed that it must be built on a foundation of human sacrifice, and that those same humans—mostly children—would help to watch over the bridge and maintain its sturdiness. Which we’re pretty sure isn’t a practice they teach you in architecture school.

Bless My Computer too...



Every evening as I'm laying here in bed

This little prayer keeps running through my mortal head



God bless my mom and dad and bless my little child

and take care of my spouse when things start gettin wild...

and God there's one more thing I wish that you could do

hope ya don't mind me askin' but 'PLEASE' bless my Computer too???



Now I know that it's not normal to bless a mother board

but listen just a second while I explain to you, "MY LORD"

you see, that little metal box holds more than odds and ends.
inside those small components rest a hundred of my 'BEST FRIENDS'



Some it's true I've never seen and most I've never met

we've never shaken hands or shared a meal as yet...



I know for sure they like me by the kindnesses that they give

and this little scrap of metal is how I travel to where they live.
by faith is how I know them much the same as I know you.
I share in what life brings them from that our friendship grew.

'PLEASE' take an extra minute from your duties up above...
to bless this hunk of metal that's filled with so much love.

I missed adding one yesterday, so here is an extra one today...

A Loving Husband

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

I never looked at my computer that way before, Pat, but how true.

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a saltshaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
• Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
• Ignition switches on the dashboard.
• Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
• Real ice boxes.
• Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
• Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
• Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Here is another one that is likely to make you feel OLD!!! I remember at least 15 and maybe one or two more that were a little fuzzy. (Lived in the on a farm & our milk came from the source that we pasteurized--it was such a treat when we bought milk from the store & got rid of the cows!!!) My rememberer isn't as good as it once was... How about you??? How many of these do you remember? Would like to hear from you "youngsters" also.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings are at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H green stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really OLD friends…

You may have seen this one before, but I hope you enjoy it again, if so. If not, I hope you get a chuckle from it. You can't help "singing" it as you go thru it... Julie Andrews is a favorite actress of mine & I loved "The Sound of Music."

My Favorite Things

It wouldn't be funny if it weren't so true... Julie Andrews, born 1 October 1935, turned 69 in 2004 and to commemorate her 69th birthday, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.

"Grandma's Invitation (Priceless)"

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.

Not 2:15 - Not 2:05 - Not 3:15

AT 2:00!!!

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home... At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffings without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda..... a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything!!!
... And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma.

Priceless!!!! Sounds like some good rules!!!

This one is a little "naughty," but it is soooooo funny, you won't be able to stop yourself from laughing (I hope).

A new "Little Johnny"

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated”.

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate”.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

To Those of Us Born 1925 - 1970 :

~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!

*********
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. (4 packs of Pall Mall Cigs & 10 cups of coffee a day)

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.


As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.


Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight. WHY?


Because we were always outside playing...that's why!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.
--And, we were OKAY.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.


WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, broomsticks, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts
and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!


The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!


These generations have produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.


The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.


If YOU are one of those born between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the
government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.


While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

The Test… Hanging Out With God

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Oh Patricia! Good one!!

Norm Galston, Amen!

Great Truths of Life
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 


2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 


3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 


4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. 


5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires. 


6. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 


7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 


8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 


9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 


10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.