Genealogy Humor

From Autobiography of "the Wonderful Mark Twain":
Volume 1 by Mark Twain. Samuel Clemens attempted to write his autobiography over several decades but never finished, and instructed that the draft not be made available for 100 years. In recently-released manuscripts, Clemens wrote of his early schoolboy friendships with black slaves, including characters that appeared later in his most famous fictional works:

"All the negroes were friends of ours, and with those of our own age we were in effect comrades. I say in effect, using the phrase as a modification. We were comrades, and yet not comrades; color and condition interposed a subtle line which both parties were conscious of, and which rendered complete fusion impossible.
"In my schoolboy days I had no aversion to slavery. I was not aware that there was anything wrong about it. No one arraigned it in my hearing; the local papers said nothing against it; the local pulpit taught us that God approved it, that it was a holy thing, and that the doubter need only look in the Bible if he wished to settle his mind --and then the texts were read aloud to us to make the matter sure; if the slaves themselves had an aversion to slavery they were wise and said nothing. In Hannibal we seldom saw a slave misused; on the farm, never.

"There was, however, one small incident of my boyhood days which touched this matter, and it must have meant a good deal to me or it would not have stayed in my memory, clear and sharp, vivid and shadowless, all these slow-drifting years.

We had a little slave boy whom we had hired from some one, there in Hannibal. He was from the Eastern Shore of Maryland, and had been brought away from his family and his friends, half way across the American continent, and sold. He was a cheery spirit, innocent and gentle, and the noisiest creature that ever was, perhaps. All day long he was singing, whistling, yelling, whooping, laughing -- it was maddening, devastating, unendurable. At last, one day, I lost all my temper, and went raging to my mother, and said Sandy had been singing for an hour without a single break, and I couldn't stand it, and wouldn't she please shut him up. The tears came into her eyes, and her lip trembled, and she said something like this --
'Poor thing, when he sings, it shows that he is not remembering, and that comforts me; but when he is still, I am afraid he is thinking, and I cannot bear it. He will never see his mother again; if he can sing, I must not hinder it, but be thankful for it. If you were older, you would understand me; then that friendless child's noise would make you glad.'

"It was a simple speech, and made up of small words, but it went home, and Sandy's noise was not a trouble to me any more. She never used large words, but she had a natural gift for making small ones do effective work. She lived to reach the neighborhood of ninety years, and was capable with her tongue to the last -- especially when a meanness or an injustice roused her spirit. She has come handy to me several times in my books, where she figures as Tom Sawyer's 'Aunt Polly.' I fitted her out with a dialect, and tried to think up other improvements for her, but did not find any. I used Sandy once, also; it was in 'Tom Sawyer;' I tried to get him to whitewash the fence, but it did not work. I do not remember what name I called him by in the book."

Norm, that was very interesting... How times have changed!!!

Class Reunion Of A 60+ Year Old Lady

I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.

I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them. Bravely I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way!
Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the bodybuilding and highlighting shampoo and conditioner; the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow; but first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

Okay, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too! The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm!

Oh no... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.

I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh... why did I buy heels with buckles? Then I had to pee again.

So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the high school reunion.

If this did not give you a good laugh -- you're too young!

...........Now this is "Religiosity".....

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side!"

Threaten with Scripture…

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at church service when an intruder startled her.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "STOP! ACTS 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of the lord, so that your sins may be forgiven.)



The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you."



"SCRIPTURE?!" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

Beatitudes of a Family Genealogist

• Blessed are the great-grandmothers, who hoarded newspaper clippings and old letters, For they tell the story of their time.
• Blessed are all grandfathers who filed every legal document, For this provides proof.
• Blessed are grandmothers who preserved family Bibles and diaries, For this is our heritage.
• Blessed are fathers who elect officials that answer letters of inquiry, For--some--they are the only link to the past.
• Blessed are mothers who relate family traditions and legends to the family, For one of her children will surely remember.
• Blessed are the relatives who fill in family sheets with extra data, For them we owe the family history.
• Blessed is any family whose members strive for the preservation of records,For theirs is a labour of love.
• Blessed are the children who will never say, "Grandma, you have told that old story twice today."

Source:
• Prairieland Pioneer, Prairieland Genealogical Society, Southwest Historical Center Room 141, Southwest State Univ. Marshall, MN 56258 Summer 1995 Edition; St Louis Genealogy Society; SWNGS Ancestors Unlimited; Duluth Gen. Soc. Branching Out; Ottertail County Gen. Soc.

WEDDING BELLS

The Spuds had three daughters, all of whom went away to college. There they met and dated several different people. All three became engaged at the same time, and went home to tell their parents.

The oldest daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I'm getting married!"

The parents asked, "So who is the lucky fellow?"

"His name is Daniel Russet," the daughter said, with a hint of pride in her voice.

"Wonderful!" The proud parents exclaimed. "The Russets are a distinguished line of potatoes!"

The middle daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have good news, too. I'm also engaged to be married."

"And who are you going to marry, dear?"

"His name is Benjamin Idaho," the daughter replied.

"Oh, the Idahos are a fine old potato family," Mom and Dad Spud said. "We're so happy for both of you!"

The youngest daughter's turn came. She said, "Mom, Dad, you won't believe this. I'm engaged, too!"

"And who is your lucky fellow?" the parents wanted to know.

His name is Tom Brokow," was the reply.

At this the parents looked at their youngest daughter with a disapproving stare. "But, honey," they gasped. "That won't do at all! Why, he's just . . . a common tater!"

This one I found @ 3 different sites so it is a little long... It is based on rather gruesome history, and yet it was taught to children. Wonder how many parents were aware of its' true meaning???

13. Mary Mary Quite Contrary

Mary, Mary, quite contrary


How does your garden grow?


With silver bells and cockleshells


And pretty maids all in a row.



The origins are steeped in history... Bloody Mary!
 The Mary alluded to in this traditional English nursery rhyme is reputed to be Mary Tudor, or Bloody Mary, who was the daughter of King Henry VIII. Queen Mary was a staunch Catholic and the garden referred to is an allusion to graveyards which were increasing in size with those who dared to continue to adhere to the Protestant faith - Protestant martyrs.

Instruments of Torture! The silver bells and cockle shells referred to in the Nursery Rhyme were colloquialisms for instruments of torture. The 'silver bells' were thumbscrews which crushed the thumb between two hard surfaces by the tightening of a screw. The 'cockleshells' were believed to be instruments of torture which were attached to the genitals!

The "Maids" or Maiden was the original guillotine! The 'maids' were a device to behead people called the Maiden. Beheading a victim was fraught with problems. It could take up to 11 blows to actually sever the head, the victim often resisted and had to be chased around the scaffold.

Margaret Pole (1473 - 1541), Countess of Salisbury did not go willingly to her death and had to be chased and hacked at by the Executioner. These problems led to the invention of a mechanical instrument (now known as the guillotine) called the Maiden - shortened to Maids in the Mary Mary Nursery Rhyme. The Maiden had long been in use in England before Lord Morton, regent of Scotland during the minority of James VI, had a copy constructed from the Maiden which had been used in Halifax in Yorkshire. Ironically, Lord Morton fell from favour and was the first to experience the Maiden in Scotland!

Executions! Another form of execution during Mary's reign was being burnt at the stake - a terrible punishment much used during the Spanish Inquisition. The English hated the Spanish and dreaded the idea of an English Inquisition. The executions during the reign of Bloody Mary were therefore viewed with a greater fear of the Spanish than the executions themselves - it is interesting to note that executions during her reign totaled less than 300 an insignificant amount compared to the executions ordered by her father King Henry VIII which are believed to have numbered tens of thousands!

From: http://mentalfloss.com/article/55035/dark-origins-11-classic-nurser... MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY (1744)

“Contrary” is one way to describe a murderous psychopath. This popular English nursery rhyme, which reads like a solicitation for gardening advice, is actually a recounting of the homicidal nature of Queen Mary I of England, a.k.a. Bloody Mary. A fierce believer in Catholicism, her reign as queen—from 1553 to 1558—was marked by the execution of hundreds of Protestants. (Silver bells and cockle shells are torture devices, not garden accouterments.)

From: http://listverse.com/2012/11/28/10-sinister-origins-of-nursery-rhymes/

This one has a bit of a sad, nostalgic ring to it – only increased when you realize that in some versions, ‘garden’ is replaced with ‘graveyard’. The Mary here is probably Mary I, daughter of Henry VIII and sister to Elizabeth I.



Henry VIII was initially married to Catherine of Aragon, and the couple had one child, Mary. But Henry wanted a son – and always true to the notion of killing two birds with stone, he decided to do this by getting into the pants of Anne Boleyn, one of his wife’s ladies in waiting. To cut a long story short, Henry was refused a divorce by the Pope – so he created the Anglican Church with himself at the head, thereby isolating himself from Catholic Europe. After divorcing Catherine and marrying Anne, he had one child with the latter – Elizabeth. Needless to say, that marriage didn’t work out either. Henry had Anne executed, and went through another couple of wives in an attempt to find a son.

After his death, the throne went to Mary, who promptly tried to make England Catholic again. So Mary went ‘quite contrary’ to England’s wishes – by this stage, a lot of people were happily Protestant. In the rhyme, ‘garden’ sounds a lot like Gardiner – the name of Mary’s only religious supporter. It could also be a dig at Mary’s own infertility, or if ‘garden’ is replaced by ‘graveyard’, a reference to the growing pile of dead Protestants.

Given that silver bells, cockleshells and maids are also terms for torture devices of the age, it no longer seems such a pretty little rhyme. 



Wonder if she is a blond??? (sorry blonds...)

Divorce Joke…

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A Case of Ethnic Brotherhood....???

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

WAR IS HELL...

During the early part of the Hitler regime, prior to the infamous "final solution,"German Jews taught their children to conform, outwardly, to Nazi customs, for the sake of survival.
One such Jew was teaching his young son how to conduct himself when eating in a restaurant where he might be observed by others. "When saying the blessing,"he reminded the youngster, "the correct form of grace is 'Thank God and the Fuehrer.'"
"But suppose the Fuehrer dies?"queried the boy.

"In that case, my son....."the father explained... "you just thank God."

I thought way before the time of ww2 in the civil war it was william tescushmush sherman that coined that war is all you know what phrase unless i'm wrong..

Old Folks are worth a Fortune

Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold
in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs.

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will
Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with
Ben Gay. What a life!

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time.
No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, Now, what am I here after?"

Signed,
An old gal

Heeey Mike:
"War Is Hell" is a common phrase dating back at least as far as a speech by William Tecumseh Sherman.....BUUUUT I like your line better.... "william "tescushmush" sherman that coined that war is all you know what phrase unless i'm wrong"???????..it's much better...& it's funnier...

********PUNOGRAPHY*******

* I TRIED TO CATCH SOME FOG. I MIST.

* WHEN CHEMISTS DIE, THEY BARIUM.

* JOKES ABOUT GERMAN SAUSAGE ARE THE WURST.

* A SOLDIER WHO SURVIVED MUSTARD GAS AND PEPPER SPRAY IS NOW A SEASONED VETERAN!

* I KNOW A GUY WHO'S ADDICTED TO BRAKE FLUID. HE SAYS HE CAN STOP ANY TIME.

* HOW DOES MOSES MAKE HIS TEA? HEBREWS IT.

* I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT TO SEE WHERE THE SUN WENT...
THEN IT DAWNED ON ME.

* THIS GIRL SAID SHE RECOGNIZED ME FROM THE VEGETARIAN CLUB, BUT I'D NEVER MET HERBIVORE.

* I'M READING A BOOK ABOUT ANTI-GRAVITY. I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN.

* I DID A THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE ABOUT PUNS...
IT WAS A PLAY ON WORDS.

* THEY TOLD ME I HAD TYPE A BLOOD, BUT IT WAS A TYPE-O.

* THIS DYSLEXIC MAN WALKS INTO A BRA .

* PMS JOKES AREN'T FUNNY, PERIOD.

* I DIDN'T LIKE MY BEARD AT FIRST. THEN IT GREW ON ME.

* A CROSS-EYED TEACHER LOST HER JOB BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T CONTROL HER PUPILS.

* WHEN YOU GET A BLADDER INFECTION, URINE TROUBLE.

* WHAT DOES A CLOCK DO WHEN IT'S HUNGRY?
IT GOES BACK FOUR SECONDS.

* I WONDERED WHY THE BASEBALL WAS GETTING BIGGER...
THEN IT HIT ME!

* BROKEN PENCILS ARE POINTLESS.

* WHAT DO YOU CALL A DINOSAUR WITH AN EXTENSIVE VOCABULARY?
...A THESAURUS.

* ENGLAND HAS NO KIDNEY BANK, BUT IT DOES HAVE A LIVERPOOL

* I USED TO BE A BANKER, BUT THEN I LOST INTEREST.

* I DROPPED OUT OF COMMUNISM CLASS BECAUSE OF LOUSY MARX.

* ALL THE TOILETS IN LONDON POLICE STATIONS HAVE BEEN STOLEN.........POLICE SAY THEY HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON.

* I TOOK THE JOB AT A BAKERY BECAUSE I KNEADED DOUGH.
(I remember this one from the old radio show "It Pays to be Ignorant"

* VELCRO - WHAT A RIP OFF!

* CARTOONIST FOUND DEAD IN HOME. DETAILS ARE SKETCHY.

Norm, these are priceless!!!! Will pass these on to those in my email address book...

How many of these can you identify with??? Oh, ohhhhhh...

You Know You Are Getting Older When...

1. You fuss at how "cheap mirrors" distort your reflection. On the other hand, your eyes are worse and you say to yourself, "I don't look so bad."
2. Your toupee turns gray.
3. You bend over and wonder if there's anything else you can do while you are down there.
4. You get the urge, but can't remember what for.
5. Your idea of getting out, getting fresh air and exercise is driving with the windows open.
6. The waitress wants payment for your breakfast in advance. The grocer asks if, "you really want green bananas."
7. During love making, you are proclaimed a "wild animal." Upon further examination, the animal is a sloth.
8. A fortuneteller offers to read your face.
9. During your bus ride from the gym, a young lady offers you her seat.
10. Your hunting trips are for your reading glasses.
11. When comfort triumphs over fashion.
12. Your birthday candles set off the fire alarm.
13. You remember when errors were blamed on people instead of computers.
14. Money put into the collection plate is no longer a donation, but an investment.
15. You forget to zip up. You're even older when you forget to zip down or up.
16. You can whistle while you brush your teeth.
17. The names in your little black book are doctors.
18. As Moms Mobley said, having romance with the hubby is like trying to push a Cadillac up a hill with a rope.
19. Your head makes commitments your body can't keep.
20. You start conversations with, "In my day."
21. Your back goes out more than you do.
22. You take longer to get over a good time than to have it.
23. Books are in the past. You look forward to evening, so you can sink your teeth into a good glass.
24. You hang out with older people to feel younger.
25. You stop chasing men/women and hook them with your cane.
26. Your wife is as pretty as she was when you were classmates in school, but it takes an hour longer. Plus, she is now ten years younger than you are.
27. You stop chasing women/men because you're too fine, too decent, too old.
28. Your class reunion is no fun because it's just a bunch of old people.
29. You move the mirror from the bedroom ceiling to the dining room table ceiling. 



30. AGE HAPPENS .... if you're lucky
31. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
32. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
33. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
34. I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
35. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
36. Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
37. The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)
38. As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)
39. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
40. As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
41. I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)
42. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
43. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
44. You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
45. You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
46. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
47. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
48. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
49. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
50. A recent statistic in USA Today showed what senior citizens do to modify their homes. It found 18 percent replace faucets, 23 percent add lighting, and nearly 95 percent cover all the furniture with plastic.

The Dash ©1998
by Linda Ellis

I read of a reverend who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning... to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth…
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
(You could be at "dash mid-range.")

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile…
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read
with your life’s actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your
elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I'm on the left. With your
elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow?"

"What ............You're coming empty handed?????"
_______________________________________________

Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a
single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice, and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby,
Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered,
"I don't know; I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .....
buuuuut all men ...are men!!!!!

Norm, those were great. Here is another one that shows that not all blonds are, well less than bright... This one is for you blonds!!! Enjoy.

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She promised she would take care of them and put them in the crew's freezer. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning that he was a lawyer and what would happen if she let them thaw. Needlessly to say she was very annoyed. Shortly before landing she went on the intercom and said, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand." Not one hand went up - so she took the crabs home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as folks think they are.

Retirement Is Different For Everyone

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me. I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. ‘Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They're retired prostitutes, - they're having a yard sale.’

Although not humor per se...this is certainly an amusing and an unusual look at the war between the states...also it's the Genealogy of the U.S.

-- from "Rebel Yell"
by S.C. Gwynne.....

For the soldier, the American Civil War was the most grim and devastating of all the American wars. 600,000 soldiers died, the most in any American war, and regiments often lost the majority of their men in a single day -- Winter was a respite from the horror, and the passage below describes the lives of these soldiers camped in Virginia in the brief, quiet interlude between the terrifying battles of 1862 and 1863. There was an unforgettable moment when 150,000 soldiers from the two opposing armies directly across the Rappahannock River from each other joined together in song:

"Though there were duties to keep the men busy that winter -- there was also a good deal of free time. ...

"Mostly that winter there was just talking, a lot of it, in the tents, around campfires, on long walks and rides that their lessened duties now afforded them. ...

"Private soldiers seemed ... swept up in this new, lighthearted feeling. In December they built a theater out of logs and clapboard and staged amazingly elaborate performances every night, a combination of variety shows and burlesques on officers, quartermasters, and commissaries. In one a soldier is told that his head wound would require his head to be amputated. He replies that at least then he will be able to get a furlough, only to be told that his headless body is needed as a decoy to fool the enemy.

"The grandest show of all took place in February, put on by the Washington Artillery with music by the 12th and 16th Mississippi Regiments. Programs were printed in Richmond, and people came from twenty miles around to see it. Though Lee sent a letter of regret, Longstreet and other generals attended in full dress. The main feature was titled Pocahontas or Ye Gentle Savage, which brought the house down several times. The show concluded with a thumping rendition of 'Bonnie Blue Flag.' (A month later a group of soldiers quartered near Fredericksburg put on an all-male burlesque in which one of the principal actors completely disrobed.)

"Probably the most fun the soldiers had that winter were the snowball fights. Many of them had never seen snow before. Now there was lots of it, and they knew just what to do. Every time it snowed -- which was frequently -- there were battles, usually involving small groups of soldiers. But on at least one occasion they mounted a fight on a massive scale. Two armies were formed, of 2,500 men each, complete with authentic generals, colors, signal corps, fifers and drummers beating the long roll, couriers, and cavalry. They conducted head-on assaults and flank attacks. There were probably demands under flags of truce, and fortifications everywhere. 'It was probably the greatest snowball battle ever fought,' wrote one participant, and showed that 'men are but children of larger growth .... ' If all battles would terminate that way it would be a great improvement on the old slaughtering plan.' Robert E. Lee, who came out to observe the battle, was struck by several snowballs. The Richmond newspapers each devoted several columns to accounts of the fight.

"The sweetest and saddest moment of this dreamy season came one evening when several Union bands appeared on the northern bank of the Rappahannock to play some favorites, songs such as 'When This Cruel War Is Over' (by far the most popular), 'Tenting Tonight on the Old Campground,' 'John Brown's Body,' and 'The Battle Cry of Freedom.' Thousands of soldiers in groups on the hillside sang along while the rebels listened. Finally the Confederates called out across the river, 'Now play one of ors!' Without missing a beat the Yankee bands pitched into 'Dixie,' 'Bonnie Blue Flag,' and 'Maryland, My Maryland.' They ended the concert by playing 'Home Sweet Home,' with 150,000 men on both sides choking up as they sang it."

Norm, yours is awesome. Too often we focus on the battles, forgetting that there was time between that needed to be filled. Unfortunately they didn't have the USO or similar options to fill their down time, so it looks like they used their imaginations and created their own entertainment.

Here is another awesome message. Hope you think so also. We often forget to be thankful for what we do have!!!

The Difference Between Rich and Poor People

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.

“Oh yeah,” said the son.

“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered:
“I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are.”

Isn’t perspective a wonderful thing?

Make you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don’t have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Pass this on to friends and help them refresh their perspective and appreciation.

Life is too short and friends are too few.

A man in the Middle East (I suppose I must try to tie this to genealogy) was complaining about being poor and wondering what he would do if he was rich. As he walked along he kicked a leather pouch with stones inside.

He sat by a river and ounted his imagined desires by throwing one stone after the other into the river.

1) "If I were rich, I would have four wives, all of them on Geni and all of them devoted to me"

2) "If I were rich, I would have lots of children, all of them devoted to me, and to Geni, to keep memories of me alive"

3) "If I were rich, I would have a huge palace to keep all these people in"

etc etc.

As he was about to throw the last stone, the sun came out from behind the clouds, the stone shone, and he realised that he had been throwing away real diamonds for false and unrealisable wishes.

Mark

3)

PS. Those who are Christians will of course find Jesus making a joke like this. ("Who among you can, by worrying, prolong his life by an hour? If you cannot do such an easy thing, why worry about the rest? Consider the lilies of the field, they toil not, neither do they spin; yet I tell you, Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. And if God clothed even the grasses in the field like this, what will he not do for you")

Well, life does not always feel like that. But those who are religious should sometimes recall that what they have learnt to regard with due solemnity may have had the original listeners rolling about laughing, as well as recognising a truth being put across.

Mark

Hey Woodman....is OBE...Order of the British Empire ...or Out of Body Experience?

I'm Norm Man...I'm an EAD!

A cousin sent me these thoughts:

"Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most." Unknown

"Lord, it's alright if you take my mind but please don't take my sense of humor. I'm ok with being happy and not knowing why".

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, " What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have their ducks in a row."