Genealogy Humor

I'm only the messenger...
*************************

An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in London, England, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line!!!"

H'mm. I think if I were a Muslim I might report this. Since one of my lovely cousins chose to die in just this way (no idea why) the humour is also slightly diluted for me.

Sorry to be a wet blanket, but can "genealogy humour" have something to do with genealogy? You can always speculate on where the good Muslims will find the 72 virgins that they are allegedly promised in Paradise. Of course there is a theory (and I think a Muslim one) that this is a transliteration error, and what the martyred mujahideen are promised is 72 sweet raisins, which will probably be a disappointment to them. But perhaps not as big a disappointment as 72 virgins who decide to stay virgins.

Mark

You wanted history/genealogy related humor... here is another nursery rhyme's history. Makes one think a second time about teaching these nursery rhymes to children, doesn't it???

14. Old Mother Hubbard Poem

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

To get her poor doggie a bone,

When she got there

The cupboard was bare

So the poor little doggie had none.

Origins of Old Mother Hubbard lyrics in British history: The Old Mother Hubbard referred to in this rhyme's words allude to the famous Cardinal Wolsey. Cardinal Thomas Wolsey was the most important statesman and churchman of the Tudor history period in 16th century England. Cardinal Wolsey proved to be a faithful servant but displeased the King, Henry VIII, by failing to facilitate the King's divorce from Queen Katherine of Aragon who had been his queen of many years. The reason for seeking the divorce and hence the creation of the Old Mother Hubbard poem was to enable him to marry Anne Boleyn with whom he was passionately in love. In the Old Mother Hubbard song King Henry was the "doggie" and the "bone" refers to the divorce (and not money as many believe) The cupboard relates to the Catholic Church although the subsequent divorce arranged by Thomas Cramner resulted in the break with Rome and the formation of the English Protestant church and the demise of Old Mother Hubbard - Cardinal Wolsey. Another rhyme reputedly relates to Cardinal Wolsey is Little Boy Blue.

I would like to point out that phrases such as "I am only the messenger", or even just "re-posting" does not remove the responsibility of each of us to be human -- to exercise our minds and our hearts to make decisions about what we do with our fingers and our tongues (even if by proxy of our fingers).

I ask myself: Does it make any difference where the original 'quote' came from? Do *I* want to be associated with continuing the "message" contained in the 'quote' -- or do I want to stop it from flowing on through my computer/smart-device?

I'm not making a presumption about the basis on which you make such decisions; just be intentional about your decisions.

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was ? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that darn door!
Did I send this to you already from the other room?

I agree with Dan, if we need to say "I'm only the messenger" we probably need to re-think posting the joke here as some may be offended. The purpose of this site is to result in a laugh, chuckle or groan, or to even learn something (ie. going thru doors...) or connected to genealogy in some way (poems, comments by others, etc). I know that some of my humor is not always genealogy related, but hopefully you will agree it is humorous & results in a laugh, chuckle or groan...

Colleen, thanks for explaining about doorways. Now I know about this perplexing problem that I sometimes experience. I will pass it along to my email friends as I am sure there are some there that suffer the same problem!!!

Hugs to all who read this site and to those who contribute!!! Would love to hear from more of you... Your comments/ observations/ contributions let me know we are on the right path (or not).
Pat

As I'm only the MESSENGER of FUN... I hope no one is offended by EGGS.....

...Because this is really Eggciting!

Johnny Carson and Dom DeLuise.
Click: Egg trick
http://www.staged.com/video?v=4Vkc

Norm, that one is FUNNY!!! I hope others watch it and laugh as hard as I did!!!

Genealogist's Dilemma

While looking up my fam'ly tree
A horrid sight there I did see
This horse thief stared right down at me
I turned around and tried to flee

Please stop he called I'm Great gramp Bob
And horses just my side line job
Don't be too quick to be a snob
With the elite I did hob nob

Please do not hide this sad research
I was a pillar of the church
Until I did our name besmirch
And toppled from my lofty perch

For if my acts do you displease
Before you cheer my obsequies
Search your own life for errors please
And any deeds that smell like cheese

The acts that you perform today
Will they look white or dapple-grey
And in the future will they say
Oh no, I have this DNA

Arthur L. Glasgow — 1997

GENEALOGY

Genealogy begins as an interest,
Becomes a hobby;
Continues as an avocation,
Takes over as an obsession,
And in its last stages,
Is an incurable disease.

--Author Unknown

*******

The Wrong Email Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They
planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston ..... A widow had just returned home from her husband's
funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After
reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones.

I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS . It sure is hot down here

Good Advice for Genealogists

▪ Remember that when a family member passes away, they take a library of memories with them. It’s a genealogist’s duty to record them before that happens.
▪ Genealogy is like a magic mirror. Look into it, and pretty soon, interesting faces appear.
▪ The kind of ancestors you have is not as important as the kindness of their descendants.
▪ If you are the last living link between your grandparents and your grandchildren—don’t break the chain.
▪ If you don’t want your descendants to put a twisted spin on your life story, write it yourself!
▪ If you’re the family photographer (and not showing up in photos), your family historian descendants will become upset with you.
▪ To get your family tree done the fastest, run for political office. Your opponents will have it completed way before the election, and then you can resign if you really didn’t wish to run in the first place.
▪ Many genealogists neglect telling their own stories, while in the midst of telling the stories about others. Don’t let that happen to your family.
▪ Your children may not thank you, but if you preserve the family genealogy your great great great great descendants will remember you as super-great!
▪ If someone’s picture looks like they don’t belong in the family tree, well, maybe they don’t.
▪ Some think it’s best to grow a family tree one leaf at a time—but as with the spring, you may find that many buds can be produced at the same time.
▪ Don’t take life seriously. Every genealogist knows nobody gets out alive.

If at first you don’t succeed, search, search again. That is why we call it re-search.

The Top Ten Worst Selling Genealogy Books
(from the ‘Family History UK’ website)

10. Ten Easy Steps to Making Your Own Coffin
9. The Fine Art of Graveyard Maintenance
8. Genealogy Sourcerybook – Trace your ancestors using spells, potions, and incantations
7. HairNetting Your Ancestors – How to dress your deceased loved one for those post-mortem photos
6. The Dead Book – Everything you wanted to know about dead people but were afraid to ask
5. In Search Of Your Canadian Ruts – Or does your Canadian family follow a seasonal mating ritual?
4. The Complete Guide to Erasing Your Family Tree – Or how to survive in the witness protection programme
3. The Family Tree Defective – Tracing your crazy relatives
2. Cyndi’s Lisp – Family history research using those recessive genes
And the number one worst selling genealogy book:
1. DNA Diggin’ – Use of the shovel in obtaining DNA samples

Early Movie & TV Fun Factoids…or...

“Entertainment Genealogy”

*********

* Who was the First Movie (Western) Star?

Maxwell Henry Aronson aka “Broncho Billy Anderson” (B. March 21,1880), had three minor roles in one of the first movies, the 10 minute 1903 “The Great Train Robbery. Soon Max began to write, direct and act in his own westerns. Founding his own studio in 1907, Anderson acted in over 300 short films but gained huge popularity as Broncho Billy in 148 silent western shorts.

*****

* Why Did “Jack Benny” write his Autobiography in the 1960’s and then buy the rights back from his publisher and hide it?

His daughter Joan says she found the manuscript after her mother died in 1983…the story she heard was that Jack’s wife Mary Livingstone objected because Jack had so many stories of his olde girlfriends in it! Joan went ahead and published it.

*****

Who was originally offered the role of Indiana Jones?

Tom Selleck was first offered the Indie role by Steven Spielberg…but at the same time was starring as Magnum P.I. …Selleck really wanted to do the movie but the TV Network wouldn’t let him out of his contract…thus Harrison Ford got his whip.
The really sad part was that due to a TV writer’s strike that lasted over 6 months Tom could have done Indie during his time off!!!

**********

* Who was a catcher for the Boston Red Sox, spoke 7 languages and a spy for the OSS?
“Moe Berg” (B. March 2, 1902) played 15 seasons in the majors mostly as a back-up catcher… In the off seasons he traveled extensively around the world….including two trips to Japan. It turned out he had been working for the OSS as a spy for the U.S. on those trips.
In 1943/44, and speaking German like a native he was touring Nazi occupied Europe, on a spy mission. He had to determine if the Germans were close to an “A” bomb, in which case he was charged with murdering the Nazi scientists who were developing it!

*****

* Who was BEST Ventriloquist ever and created the First Artificial Heart?

The most famous ventriloquist was Edgar Bergen who was a comedian, but he wasn't a very good ventriloquist.
The BEST was “Paul Winchell” (B. Dec. 21, 1922) who with his wooden partner Jerry Mahoney had their own TV Shows in the 1950’s and made many appearances on all the popular variety shows of the time….Paul NEVER moved his lips!
Winchell was also an actor and inventor…he has many medical patents including the device which was exactly the same as the “Jarvik” heart.

*****

* Who was the FIRST “Method Actor”, the FIRST “Bad Boy” Movie Actor…& had the “Largest Funeral” of any celebrity since Rudolf Valentino?

“John Garfield” (B. March 4, 1913) grew up in poverty on New York's Lower East Side…”If I hadn’t been an actor I might have become Public Enemy #1”. “Cutting his teeth” at the Group Theatre …Garfield on Broadway and in the Movies was an early great proponent of the “Method” … He was the predecessor of the Monty Clift, Marlon Brando & James Dean school of acting.
Garfield’s old Group Theater comrade Elia Kazan, who directed Garfield in Gentleman’s Agreement, had wanted him for the role of Stanley Kowalski in the original 1947 production of A Streetcar Named Desire. Had Garfield returned to the stage it would have changed showbiz history...Because an unknown named Marlon Brando replaced Garfield and a new star was born....
With a bad heart and the stress of possibly losing his career because of being named to the “Black List”…John Garfield died of a massive heart attack at 39. Over 10,000 people crowded outside the cemetery at his funeral.

*****

* What Film played a N.Y.C. neighborhood theatre in the early 1950’s that put this up on it’s marquee: Starring “Bernard Schwartz and Rosetta Jacobs”?
“The Prince who was a Thief starring “Tony Curtis” (B. June 3, 1925) and “Piper Laurie” (B. Jan. 22, 1932). Both were locals born on the lower Eastside.

*****
* What Jewish girl at 19 hung out with Hitler & Mussolini, married a “semi-Nazi” munitions dealer, made a “semi-porno film” that got world wide release, ran off to Paris & London where she met Louis B. Meyer & became one of MGM’s biggest stars, was called “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World”, helped invent a process called “Frequency Hopping” used in military code machines & cell phones AND sued “Blazing Saddles” for making fun of her name?

Eva Maria Kiesler aka “Hedy Lamarr”... born November 9, 1914 in Austria.

*****
* What famous stand-up comic saw his first movie, “Shane”, as a little kid while sitting in the lap of singer “Billie Holiday” at the Lowe’s Commodore, N.Y.C.?
“Billy Crystal” (B. March 14, 1948)..."Shane come back...Shane..."

*****
Who was first offered the role of George Costanza (on Seinfeld...because he looked like Larry David) without even having to screen test???

David Letterman’s Bandleader and part time actor…Paul Shafer. He didn’t think it was very good and never returned the producer’s call!!!

*****

* What Future Superstar…as a kid in the 1930’s would pee off the roof of the N.Y.C. tenements on top of parading American Nazi’s who would then chase him from rooftop to rooftop until they finally gave up?

“Tony Curtis” (B. June 3, 1925).

*****
* What famous Hollywood leading lady missed out on playing “Scarlett O’Hara” in Gone with the Wind….over her affair with Charlie Chaplin?

“Paulette Goddard” (B. June 3, 1910). Producer David O. Selznick was afraid Paulette’s fooling around with Charlie would hurt the box office of the movie so he decided against casting her…Paulette then married Charlie!!!

*****

* What famous TV star hung one of his young writers out an 18 story window until they agreed on whether a joke was funny?

Sid Caesar (B. Sept. 8, 1922) hung “Mel Brooks” (B. June 28, 1926), out the window until the other writers restrained Sid!

*****

* What Famous Stand-up once begged Frank Sinatra to stop by his table (in Vegas) to help the comic impress a girl…later when Sinatra stopped to say hello …the comic said.. “Not Now Frank, Can’t You See I’m With Somebody”???

Only the impish Don Rickles (B. May 8, 1926) had the guts!

*****
* What silent film star, known as “The Vamp”, was the first movie “Femme Fatale”?
Theodosia Burr Goodman aka “Theda Bara” (B. July 29, 1885)…at her height she was ranked in popularity behind only Mary Pickford and Charlie Chaplain.

*****
* What Famous Movie Star had “Two” of the world’s largest and finest privately owned art collections in the world?

Edward G. Robinson (B. Dec. 12, 1893). In 1956 he was forced to sell his first art collection, as part of his divorce settlement. Missing his art more than his wife of 29 years…He immediately began to build a bigger second collection!

*****

* What Famous Movie Star “Hunk” wore dresses as a kid?

“Kirk Douglas” (B. Dec. 9, 1916) was the only boy among 4 or 5 older sisters, they couldn’t afford toys so they treated him as their own private dress-up doll. As a teen he muscled up and become macho to prove his manhood... “I am Spartacus”!!!

Very interesting, Norm!!!

Your Smile for the Day

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<>~<>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<>~<>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<>~<>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; 
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<>~<>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<>~<>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<>~<>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<>~<>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<>~<>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<>~<>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<>~<>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<>~<>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<>~<>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<>~<>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<>~<>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<>~<>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<>~<>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<>~<>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<>~<>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<>~<>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

 <>~<>
And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

I wonder if we would find any of these people in Geni??? Any of these in your family tree???

What Were Their Parents Thinking?

http://www.geneamusings.com/2006/04/what-were-their-parents-thinkin...

By: Randy Seaver
Copyright (c) Randall J. Seaver, 2006-2014

Everybody has a name. Most are innocuous, some are peculiar or even funny. I have gathered a few "good ones" from my incessant web searches and some censuswhacking (see this for a definition, some examples and links to other pages) and datawhacking on Rootsweb.

Here is part of my name collection (from many sources):
1. Royal Blood
2. Sweet Justice
3. Freke Dorothy Fluck Lane
4. Desire Ye Truth Thorne
5. Boadicea Basher
6. Be Joyful Tyler
7. Philadelphia Bunnyface
8. Africa, Asia, America and Europe Hamlin (Hannibal Hamlin’s children)
9. Faithful Cock
10. Fertelize Newport
11. Susan Booze
12. Flee Fornication White
13. Elizabeth Disco
14. Hatevil Nutter
15. Edward Evil
16. Cucumber Pickle
17. Girly Beard
18. Fanny Poker
19. Ima Lovely
20. Virgin Rolling
21. May January
22. Cupid Handsome
23. Zany Dummy
24. Victoria B. Home
25. Preserved Fish
26. Hyman Spanker

These are the clean ones! As you can imagine, there are plenty of risqué ones in the records.

Go to this site for “More Census Whacking – PG Rating”: http://www.geneamusings.com/2006/05/more-census-whacking-pg-rating....
Some of the names are a bit naughty. Some are real naughty...

Did you realize that you would learn things from movies??? Well, here are some things you may not be aware that you learned...

Things you would never know without the Movies:

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.


- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.


- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.


- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.


- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.


- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.


- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.


- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.


- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.


- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.


- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.


- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.


- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.


- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.


- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.


- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.


- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.


- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.


- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.


- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.


- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.


- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.


- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.


- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.


- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.


- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

Who knew you could learn all of this???????

REAL GENEALOGY...
Rarely seen moments of U.S. History...

ENJOY

http://earthlymission.com/rarely-seen-enchanted-moments-of-us-histo...

http://www.coolestone.com/media/10796/How-One-Woman-Is-Making-Memor...

This doesn't fall under the category of "humorous", but it certainly is one woman's dedication to making the lives of those who have lost children more bearable. Her sculpture is so lifelike, doing one piece at a time, getting to know the family and the child who has passed. Quite a beautiful video.

I hope you enjoy,

Susie

That was an awesome video!!! Thanks Susie.
Pat

I hope no one will be offended if they find an ancestor listed here. There are some really "unique" names. However, I wouldn't want any of them.

More Census Whacking - Strange or Funny Names

http://www.geneamusings.com/2006/07/more-census-whacking-strange-or...

By: Randy Seaver, Copyright (c) Randall J. Seaver, 2006-2014

I spent a little time on HQO throwing strange or funny names in the search engine for given names and surnames, and found these:

1. Almon Nutter - Aroostook County ME in 1900
2. Jack Spratt - Inyo County CA in 1900
3. Earnest Crapper - St. Clair County MI in 1920
4. Web Ditto - Tarrant County TX in 1900
5. Joe Camel - Johnston County NC in 1900
6. Patience Fax - New York County NY in 1900
7. Flossy Chocolate - Bedford County VA in 1880
8. Vanilla Brown - Newton County GA in 1920
9. Bollish Whiner - Somerset County PA in 1910
10. Shiny Queen - Cass County TX in 1880
11. Turd Gibson - Schuylkill County PA in 1920
12. Sweet Beauty - St Mary Parish LA in 1900
13. Kittie Oatmeal - Travis County TX in 1910
14. Iam Smely - Washoe County NV in 1870
15. Christian Life - Grant county IN in 1910
16. English English - Philadelphia County PA in 1900
17. Iam King - Lenoir county NC in 1900
18. Harry Nutts - Los Angeles CA in 1900
19. Chocolate Maiden - Hale County AL in 1910 (a male)
20. Rush Limbaugh - Cape Girardeau County MO in 1920 (yep, the radio Rush's father).
21. Fannie B. Cheek -
Home in 1880: Morgan, Dade, Missouri
22. Arnold Boogher
- St Louis, Missouri in 1908


What were their parents thinking?

Those poor kids! I hope Iam Smely and Arnold Boogher were not cousins....

QUOTES FROM THE INIMITABLE MEL BROOKS...

*************

“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's BS.”
― Mel Brooks

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
― Mel Brooks

“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.”
― Mel Brooks

“Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We're unrehearsed.”
― Mel Brooks

“If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively.”
― Mel Brooks

“Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you've got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy, colorful and lively.”
― Mel Brooks

“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.”
― Mel Brooks

“Humor is just another defense against the
universe.”
― Mel Brooks

“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.”
― Mel Brooks

“Everything we do in life is based on fear, especially love.”
― Mel Brooks

“If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country. ”
― Mel Brooks

“My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.”
― Mel Brooks

“They make us live in the crap, and now they're taking the crap away? No! ”
― Mel Brooks

“Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.”
― Mel Brooks

“It's good to be the king.”
― Mel Brooks

“We mock the things we are to be.”
― Mel Brooks

“But I have bad taste with a deep fount of intellectuality.”
― Mel Brooks

“Comedy is protest. It's "I beg to differ," if you're fancy, or if you're Jewish, "Hey, listen to this!”
― Mel Brooks

“Feeling different, feeling alienated, feeling persecuted, feeling that the only way to deal with the world is to laugh - because if you don't laugh you're going to cry and never stop crying - that's probably what's responsible for the Jews having developed such a great sense of humor. The people who had the greatest reason to weep, learned more than anyone else how to laugh.”
― Mel Brooks

It may take a moment or two to figure out what some of the words are & how they are supposed to be spelled...(at least it did me.) In spite of the spelling challenges it sometimes has, I am most thankful for the spell checker!!!

The Spell Checker...

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC

It plane lee marks four my revue

Miss steaks eye can knot sea. 



Eye ran this poem threw it.
You sure reel glad two no

Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew. 



A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thymes.
It helps me right awl stiles two reeds,
And aides me when aye rime. 



To rite with care is quite a feet

Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud. 



And now bee cause my spelling

Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite.
Of none eye am a wear. 



Each frays come posed up on my screen

Eye trussed to be a joule.
The checker poured oar every word

To cheque sum spelling rule. 



That's why aye brake in two averse

By righting wants two pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays

Such soft wear for pea seas!

Like it me

Heeeey Pattie...
Dont make fun...I no peeple hoo speek that weigh!

SUCH IS LIFE..........

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
~ Jim Davis

It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.
~ Pierre Auguste Renoir

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
~ Andy Rooney

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
~ Ambrose Bierce

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
~ Erma Bombeck

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
~ Bob Monkhouse

Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.
~ Wallace Irwin

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
~ Johnny Carson

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
~ Henny Youngman

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
~ Rita Rudner

A bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
~ Henny Youngman

Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
~ Lewis Black

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
~ Isaac Asimov

Our lives are not in the lap of the gods, but in the lap of our cooks.
~ Lin Yutang

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
~ Jo Brand

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
~ Andy Rooney

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

Watermelon—it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.
~ Enrico Caruso

Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.
~ Robert Redford

Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts.
~ Charles Lamb

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
~ Douglas Adams

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
~ Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
~ Dave Barry

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
~ Robert Morley

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
~ Fran Lebowitz

There are some really good comments; some real chuckles resulted from many of them!!!

Outdated State Laws Still on the Books

http://voices.yahoo.com/outdated-state-laws-still-books-9067845.html
Donna Hicks, Yahoo Contributor Network
Sep 3, 2011

Laws protect us and punish those who violate them. In some states, you may really want to be careful that you do not break these outdated laws, still on the books.

Alabama
• When you are in Alabama, please obey all the driving laws. It is not only illegal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street; it is illegal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street with a lantern attached to the front of your car.
• It is also illegal in Alabama to drive while blindfolded.
• If you are planning a trip to Alabama, be sure to pack plenty of tissues because "boogers may not be flicked into the wind."

Florida
• No wonder there are so many children in Florida! It is illegal to sell your children in Florida.
• You may want to watch your sexual habits in Florida; it is illegal to have sex with a porcupine! [OUCH!!!]
• If you park an elephant next to a parking meter, you must pay the parking meter fee, just as if your automobile was parked there. [There are Circus elephants there.]

Iowa
• Ministers, please watch your behavior when in Iowa; it is illegal for ministers to carry liquor across state lines without a permit.
• If you are a one-armed piano player, you may as well just apply for disability if you live in Iowa. One-armed piano players in Iowa must perform for free.

Mississippi
• They are serious about church in Mississippi! It is illegal to disturb a church service in Mississippi and if you do so, a private citizen may arrest you.
• You must house your horse at least 50 feet from the road.
• If you are a cattle rustler, you should know that you can be hung for it in Mississippi.

Ohio
• Ladies, please be mindful of what shoes you wear in Ohio. It is illegal to wear patent leather shoes in public.
• Since Ohio is a place where many people like to fish, it is important to know that it is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday and it is illegal to get a fish drunk!
• If you get stopped by the police on July 4th or on Sunday, remind the officer that in Ohio it is illegal to arrest anyone in Ohio on Sunday or July 4th!

Oklahoma
• It is illegal to wear your boots to bed in Oklahoma.
• Your fast food is safe in Oklahoma because it is illegal to take a bite of another person's hamburger!
• Even if a dog makes an ugly face at you, don't make faces back! If you make an "ugly face" at a dog, you can be fined or jailed!

Utah
• You must leave your nuclear weapons at home if traveling to Utah, because it is illegal to detonate them in Utah!
• If you are an ambulance driver or EMT, you should know that it is illegal to have sex in the back of an ambulance in Utah when it is responding to an emergency.

South Carolina
• Guys, take your rifle to church Sunday morning. Every man must take his rifle to church to ward off Indian attacks.
• In South Carolina it is illegal to keep your horse in your bath tub.

California
• California is a state where there are many people on the roads. That makes it especially important to know that in California, it is illegal for a car to be going more than 60 MPH without a driver!
• Ladies, in California, it is illegal for you to drive in your housecoat.
• Peacocks have the right of way on any street or driveway in Arcadia, California.


These laws are courtesy of "Big Government. Small Brains. Dumb Laws."

15. Pop Goes the Weasel

Half a pound of tuppenny rice, 

Half a pound of treacle. 

That’s the way the money goes, 

Pop! goes the weasel. 

Up and down the City road, 

In and out the Eagle, 

That’s the way the money goes, 

Pop! goes the weasel.

Alternative Lyrics
(2)

A penny for a spool of thread, 

A penny for a needle,

That’s the way the money goes.

"A penny for a spool of thread, a penny for a needle" - this version has led to a 'weasel' being interpreted as a shuttle or bobbin, as used by silk weavers, being pawned in a similar way as the suits or jackets owned by the Cockneys.

Alternative Lyrics
(3)

Round and round the mulberry bush

The monkey chased the weasel.

The monkey stopped to pull up his socks

And Pop goes the weasel.

Our thanks go to Jesse from Perth, Western Australia for these lyrics, which seem to be in combination with another children's song 'Here we go round the mulberry bush'. Lee speculates that if a monkey is £500, then perhaps the coat and money are being exchanged back and forth until something else comes up.

Thanks also to K. Saul for reminding me that the line "That's the way the money goes' was often replaced with "Mix it up, and make it nice" especially when the first verse of the rhyme was repeated.

Rhyme & History: The Nursery Rhyme, 'Pop goes the weasel' sounds quite incomprehensible in this day an age! The origins of the rhyme are believed to date back to the 1700's. We have listed two versions of the rhyme on this page. The first rhyme is the better known version - some translation is in order!



Pop and Weasel? These words are derived from Cockney Rhyming slang which originated in London. Cockneys were a close community and had a suspicion of strangers and a dislike of the Police (they still do!) Cockneys developed a language of their own based roughly on a rhyming slang - it was difficult for strangers to understand as invariably the second noun would always be dropped. Apples and Pears (meaning stairs) would be abbreviated to just 'apples', for instance, "watch your step on the apples". To "Pop" is the slang word for "Pawn". Weasel is derived from "weasel and stoat" meaning coat. It was traditional for even poor people to own a suit, which they wore as their 'Sunday Best'. When times were hard they would pawn their suit, or coat, on a Monday and claim it back before Sunday. Hence the term " Pop goes the Weasel"



In and out the Eagle? The words to the Rhyme are "Up and down the City road, in and out the Eagle -
That’s the way the money goes - Pop! goes the weasel". The Eagle refers to 'The Eagle Tavern' a pub which is located on the corner of City Road and Shepherdess Walk in Hackney, North London. The Eagle was an old pub which was re-built as a music hall in 1825. Charles Dickens (1812-1870) was known to frequent the Music Hall. It was purchased by the Salvation Army in 1883 (they were totally opposed to drinking and Music Halls). The hall was later demolished and was rebuilt as a public house in 1901.

From: http://listverse.com/2012/11/28/10-sinister-origins-of-nursery-rhymes/

“Pop goes the weasel” seems at first glance to be a nonsense rhyme, one without any purpose behind it at all – but really it’s an account of poverty, pawn broking, minimum wage, and a serious night out on the town.

The ‘weasel’ in the rhyme is a winter coat, which has to be pawned – or ‘popped’ – in exchange for various things. The first verse describes the cheapest food available; the narrator of the poem has no money, so ‘pop’ goes the weasel. The second verse describes a night out at a music hall called the Eagle Tavern, which was located on the City Road. But music halls – and drinks – cost money. Pop goes the weasel. The third verse is a bit more obscure than the first two; a monkey is slang for a tankard, while knocking off a stick was slang for drinking. The last verse probably refers to the narrator’s day job.

So this little nonsensical ditty is actually about struggling to make ends meet. It’s still an upbeat tune, letting the reader see that a night on the town is well worth the week of terrible food, wages and general living conditions