Genealogy Humor

Here is an interesting perspective on one word...

UP
I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

Read until the end... you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ’UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book… or not… it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!

If you haven't cracked UP by the end, your funny bone needs a check UP. Someone had far too much time to come UP with all of this!!!! You don't have to turn UP the volume for this one. When there is a higher price for something, the cost is UP. It is amazing how often we use the word UP, isn't it?????? Be aware and see how often you use the word up tomorrow. I'll bet you crack UP when you become aware of your use of the word, because you will think of this email!!!! Don't forget to count the phrases that use UP (UP hill, UP yours, what's UP?, bouncing UP & down, what is he UP to?, etc) and the words that have UP as a prefix (UPward, UPbeat, UPgrade, UPdate, etc).

How UPlifting was this???????

You can feel down and low, sometimes high, but never up.

Some of you who may have a problem with a lead foot from time to time, may want to remember this one... (after you stop laughing!!!)

Ticket or No Ticket???

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir, and please slow down," replied the trooper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Albert Einstein

Linda Wellman: RE: the about section..

I really agree with you... I've tried to leave comments about all the relatives I've put up but didn't know or barely knew...also info that I've found out about them via census etc., so any future interested family member will have a head start. Unfortunately I haven't left any stories about my immediate family...I guess we can all do a better job with our loved ones on GENI.
The empty comments sections reminds me of all the lonely graves in the "cemeteries" that no one ever visits.

Someone tell a joke fast....

Sweden is well known around the world for it's gender equality,
but still women complain that they only have 90% of men's pay,
even though they also have their own salary as well.

I'm afraid its UP to you

Kindergarten teacher,
- What did come first, the chicken or the egg?

Little John, - The roaster!

Random Thoughts As We Age...

* Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller

* Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

* I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

* Old age is coming at a really bad time!

* When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a
grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

* The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."

* Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when
I finally snap!

* I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

* My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

* The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".

* I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do
that second week.

* Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

* Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer
me to someone I can't understand anyway?

* Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

* Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

* At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.

* Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant
which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!

Happy New Year

Good ones, Norm!

Norm, there were tooooo many that I could identify with!!! I liked that first one especially!!!

It is flu season, so I thought you might enjoy this one...

Better Than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied. 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Norm - I particularly like the one about pressing one for English

I love Maxine's sense of humor and this one is missing a pix of her with the comment: "This contains adult material. Read it, Delete it, But Don't Give Me Any Crap About it!"

To make it stand,
You wet it !
To make it we,
You suck it !
To make it stiff,
You lick it !
To get it in,
You push it !

Damn !!!!!!

Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH!!!
(Now what were you thinking???)

Mrs. Murphy entered a poultry store and asked the price of stewing
chickens.
"One dollar and forty cents a pound," said the butcher.
"One dollar and forty cents!" shrieked Mrs. Murphy. "Why, just around the corner O'hara sells for one dollar and thirty-six cents a pound."
"If O'hara sells stewing chickens for one dollar thirty-six a pound, why don't you buy there?" asked the butcher impatiently.
"Because he happens to be out of them today."
"Look, lady," said the butcher, "as soon as I run out of stewers, I'll sell them to you for only twelve cents a pound -- and you can't beat that price anywhere!"

**********

A destitute man went from door to door asking for alms because his house was destroyed in a fire.
"Have you a document from your priest affirming that your story is true?" "no," he replied. "That, too, was destroyed in the fire!"

*********

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's anti-white and anti-Jewish newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "the Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel... all kinds of troubles for the Jewish people.
I like to read about good news."
"Farrakhan's paper says...
The Jews have all the money... the Jews control the press... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control Hollywood. At my age it's better to read nothing but good news!"

*********

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table.
He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.

***********
Testamental Humor

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house and home.

re: "What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?"
The disciples were all in one Accord.

23 Benefits of Laughter

It relaxes the whole body
It boosts the immune system
It triggers the release of endorphins
It protects the heart
It lowers stress hormones
It relaxes your muscles
It enhances resilience
It adds joy to life
It improves your mood
It strengthens relationships
It enhances teamwork
It helps defuse conflict
It eases anxiety and fear
It lowers blood pressure
It increases memory
It helps oxygen flow to the brain
It maintains healthy blood sugar levels
It promotes better sleep
It is contagious
It improves alertness
It makes you more creative
It is a workout for your abs, shoulders and diaphragm
It gives you more energy
LAUGH MORE!!!

To much to handle or just to hasty to deem?

Be brave!
A man who managed to escape from a prison breaks into a house
looking for money and clothes, finds a young couple in the bedroom,
he ties up the man to a chair, then the woman, he bends forward and
it seems like he kisses her in the neck, then he goes in to the bathroom.
When he's out of sight the man says to his wife; - It's obvious that he's
an escaped prisoner who hasn't seen a woman in a long time and if
he wants to have sex with you, just satisfy him as much as he wants,
he looks dangerous and otherwise he may kill us both. Be strong and
brave and remember that I love you, do what he wants for our lives sake!
The wife responded, -He did not kiss me in the neck, he whispered that
he's gay and that you looked cute, he wondered if we had any vaseline
in the bathroom, please, be brave and remember, I love you too!

Story of an old man, a boy & a donkey

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.

The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.

The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.

The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Geriatric Traffic Jam....

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/08/geriatric-traffic-jam/

I know it was staged - very funny and kind of sad - I hope they remember this in 40 years - when they are using walkers and wheelchairs! Not one of them got out of their cars to help push a wheelchair or lend an arm. I hope they are more patient with their grandparents!

My Travel Plans for 2015

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
-I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
-I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and work.
-I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
-I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
-I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
-Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
-One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
-I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Colleen, I think I have been to some of the same places as you mentioned & would enjoy joining you at some that you haven't been yet...

*******BIBLICAL HUMOUR...Don't Ask Questions******

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,
Got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said,
"I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked G-d to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up,
Driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off
of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said:
"Yes, my daughter is sick.
I've locked my keys in my car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute
The car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said,
"Thank You, G-d,
For sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied,
"Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday;
I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing,
"Oh, thank you, G-d!
You even sent me a Professional!"......

10 Reasons why God created Eve


10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)



8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."



1. And the No. 1 reason of all: 

[Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]


God stepped back, looked at Adam and declared: "I can do better than that."



The Latest Medicines (1998)

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Inc. is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more childcare tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. 
(Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. 
Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. 
Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. 
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Well, I'm not sure that this is funny, but it's some thoughts that I have.

What is genealogy humor, I don't really know, but I guess it would concern relatives, or the humor they have or not have. This make me think of reactions when you follow someone, they are mostly until that point an complete strangers, but anyhow relatives to you.

So what kind of reactions might we get, I listed some types.

I see that you follow me, who are you, I don't recognize your family name, I'm myself have this bla. bla. bla bla relatives, but I have never seen any bla? How are we connected???

Then we got the opposite one, the overexcited,
Oh my, I see that we are related (69 Cousins 250 times removed husbands dead brother in law's cousins sisters friends dog etc...
I could never imagine that, wow, this make the world seems a lot smaller... ...never to be heard of again...

Then we got the ones living in their shell or private bubble with a hugh amount of integrity.
Hi 24 cousin twice removed!
I see that, it's pity that we can't choose relatives at that distance....

There's also the sensitive ones, I quit following you if I suspect that we don't share belief or common values, this is maybe what's going on in their minds when they disconnect you.
What a son of a *** go to **** I hope u *** because I'm better than you, I have moral and a lot of ethic, go to ***

Then there's the groupies, who only follow blue line within a very small range, if you are not a part of their mothers mother's side, you probably do not exist at all in their minds.

Then we got the stalkers, who do not only follow people but come with suggestions, like, Hi, you seem nice,
here's my @@@ PLS, contact me ; )

There's also the scammers,
Hi I'm an invalid war veteran who battled in I and A and lost my legs,
I'm also deaf and blind but that's not why I contacted you, my mother 97 this summer, have got a serious grave disease, and without expensive treatment she'll die, please send x amount of $ to ....

Or, hi, you're a distant relative to Mr X who just passed away leaving two hundreds of trillions dollar to be split amongst 10 of his cousins, in order to get the money you must put in 10.000 dollar on my account due to legal expenses and fees etc. common b*s*.

Then there's the petty ones, 16 cousins so you say, that means that we are hardly relatives, it wouldn't even show up in a DNA test, but okay, we share some millionth part or so.... a drop of blood in the ocean etc..

The one I like most it the critics, yes I see that we share this king in common who lived for 800 years ago, but do you have any document
to prove YOUR line?

The sceptics are some kind of types for them self, not only does not
any linkage to individs who lived for more than 250 year ago count,
they really do not believe that the person who are put up as the fathers for so many generation actually could really be the fathers, because of the human nature...
Without a DNA proof they're not even sure that their own father really is the biological one. Still they have not any problem in following "ancestors" who lived 3000 years ago, but if one of them is a fictitious person, they really see red!

Then we got the royal and nobility fans, who only follows genuine blue bounds. I would guess that the fact that if they only had these line would made them highly inbreded won't stop them. If there are no linkage they really would create one, in the top they will find them self having one end married to each other and single gf gm to all of the rest down the line to them self, what a bottleneck.

Excellent, Ulf! Or, perhaps I should say 23rd cousin 4X & close, personal friend!? LOL

Ulf, you have hit the nail on the head squarely!!! I have been surprised at some who are following me & some of their comments... Thankfully I have come across only a few of the ones you describe!

Family Tree Humorous Quotes

1. Some family trees have beautiful leaves, and some have just a bunch of nuts. Remember, it is the nuts that make the tree worth shaking. ~ Author Unknown


2. GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. ~ Ambrose Bierce 


3. I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. ~ Fred Allen
4. “My ancestors were all famous for military genius.”
 My Lady smiled graciously. “It often runs in families,” she remarked: “just as a love for pastry does.” ~ Lewis Carroll



5. A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato—the best part of him is underground. ~ Henry S F Cooper



6. My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. ~ Elayne Boosler




7. We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with. ~ Don Marquis


8. We've uncovered some embarrassing ancestors in the not-too-distant past. Some horse thieves, and some people killed on Saturday nights. One of my relatives, unfortunately, was even in the newspaper business. ~ Jimmy Carter



9. It is fortunate that each generation does not comprehend its own ignorance. We are thus enabled to call our ancestors barbarous. ~ Charles Dudley Warner



10. I found that they knew but little of the history of their race, and could be entertained by stories about their ancestors as readily as any way. ~ Henry David Thoreau


11. What can they see in the longest kingly line in Europe, save that it runs back to a successful soldier? ~ Sir Walter Scott 


12. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~ Author Unknown


13. Nothing is so soothing to our self-esteem as to find our bad traits in our forebears. It seems to absolve us. ~ Van Wyck Brooks 


14. When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. ~ George Bernard Shaw


15. The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life's essential unfairness. ~ Nancy Mitford



16. The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you. ~ Kendall Hailey, The Day I Became an Autodidact



17. Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~ Marsha Norman



18. The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to. ~ Dodie Smith


19. The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us to become our best while looking our worst. ~ Marge Kennedy


20. "A friend who is near and dear may in time become as useless as a relative." ~ George Ade
21. A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato—the best part of him is underground. ~ Henry S F Cooper
22. My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. ~
Elayne Boosler
23. We've uncovered some embarrassing ancestors in the not-too-distant past. Some horse thieves, and some people killed on Saturday nights. One of my relatives, unfortunately, was even in the newspaper business. ~
Jimmy Carter
24. What can they see in the longest kingly line in Europe, save that it runs back to a successful soldier? ~ Sir Walter Scott 

25. The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~ Erma Bombeck
26. The lives of great men all remind us we can make our lives sublime and departing leave behind us footprints on the sands of time. ~ Thoreau

Ulf...you seem to know some of my veeery distant relatives.....you didn't mention the one that claims we share King David together and wants me to tell him what King Dave was really like!!!

Like I'm gonna tell him....