Genealogy Humor

I must confess that this thread is interesting, not only can we joke about almost everything, we also get to now each other better. Humor is an universally language that in many case can overbridge cultural barriers.

My dad used to laugh at least a couple of times everyday, and even when he low down at the floor after his hemorrhage he made a joke about that last cigarette that he with much difficulty tried to smoke despite half-sided paralysis, "I halve my smoking before I end."

I still believe that smoking was his biggest consolation in his life and without it he would have died long before. I tried to point out that smoking was dangerous to health, he replied that everything was dangerous and that our lives was only on loans, suddenly it ends no matter what we have done. That's maybe true, we can't lay on inch to our life span, but we sure can take away miles.

Ulf....My Grandmother loved her coffee and Pall Mall Cigarettes...in all the years I knew and loved her I never remember her without both except when she was driving.....After she passed away when we would go to visit her grave I would always bring a cup of coffee and a cigarette...I would pour the coffee slowly on the grass and i would dig a little hole and put a cigarette in it. I knew she was smiling at me...as we walked away.

******* THE LIE DETECTOR *******

For an early family Christmas present, a father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He tests it at dinner. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some school work."

The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

..........Robot for sale!!!!!!

You Know You're An Addicted Genealogist When:
1. When you brake for libraries.
2. If you get locked in a library overnight and you never even notice.
3. When you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
4. If you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
5. When you think every home should have a microfilm reader.
6. If you'd rather read census schedules than a good book.
7. When you know every town clerk in your state by name.
8. If town clerks lock the doors when they see you coming.
9. When you are more interested in what happened in 1895 than 1995.
10. If you store your clothes under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks and journals.
11. When Mitchel, Davis, and Tenney are household names, but you can't remember what you call your dog.
12. If you can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst, Kent on a map of England, but can't locate Topeka, Kansas.
13. When all your correspondence begins "Dear Cousin."
14. If you've traced every one of your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it fully documented, and still don't want to quit.

Ooooops, I think that one is a repeat (sent it last May). Sorry. But then again there are some who didn't read it then??? Will see if I can find another one.
Pat

How about some fun "facts"???

Historical Trivia and Fun Facts

1. The Romans ate lead as a cure for diarrhea. Lead is poisonous and thus killed off the entire Roman upper class within two centuries.
2. George Washington's "wooden" dentures were reputedly made from hippopotamus ivory and were mounted on gold.
3. Queen Elizabeth I of England was completely bald. She lost her hair after suffering from smallpox at the age of 29. To disguise her loss she always wore a wig.
4. After failing to cure the daughter of the Emperor Yizong [860-874] of a fever, the 20 best doctors in China were all beheaded.
5. William Pitt the Younger [1759-1806], former British Prime Minister, was advised by his doctors to cure his gout by drinking a bottle of port a day. He died from cirrhosis of the liver, aged 46.
6. When the grey exterior of the Presidential mansion was painted white to cover the fire damage caused by British forces in the War of 1812, the change in colour brought about the change in name of the building to the White House.
7. The designer of the Statue of Liberty, French sculptor Frederic-Auguste Bartholdi, used his wife as the model for the body and his mother as the model for the face.
8. In the nursery rhyme *Jack and Jill, Jack represented the French King, Louis XVI and Jill, his wife, was Marie Antoinette.
9. In 1912 the Titanic was sailing at 22 knots when she hit the iceberg.
10. George Washington wrote in 1774 that 'no thinking man' in America wanted independence from England?

Great Stuff

thanks for the laughs

Pat.....

Veeeery inteeeeerrr-resssssting........und fuuuunnnny too!

(Anyone remember Arte Johnson...as Wolfgang the German... on
Laugh-in..???)

A joke about an ugly baby by Arte Johnson,
please, tell me that one if you remember Norm.

Loved Arte Johnson and Ruth Bussi(?) as the old maid and the dirty old man - in fact I miss the whole cast of Laugh In and doesn't that age me. But - one never failed to have a good laugh .

I also loved "Laugh In"!!! Sometimes you had to listen quickly or you would miss the joke or comments!!!

Is Arte Johnson in Geni???

Ulf: Here is a site that has some info on him: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arte_Johnson
It says the "ugly baby" story was told on the Jack Benny show and later associated with Flip Wilson.

Here is a perspective on telling people how old you are. Hope you chuckle a few times as you read thru it.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're JUST a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Women with ugly baby, a Women with a pram next to her was sitting at bench in a park bitterly crying. A man who passes by stops and ask why are you crying. She told him everybody is making jokes about her ugly baby.
Ach don't worry come with me to the café and have a cup of tea and the little Orangutan can have a banana.

RE: Laugh-In

Being a youngish "stud" back then I was mostly interested in Goldie Hawn's Teenie Weenie Polka Dot Bikini when she was doing her "Go-Go" dance at the party.

Living in L.A. we were able to go to a taping of the show and it kinda ruined it for me. A lot of the fun was in the quick cuts like Richard Nixon saying "Sock-it-to-me" and Ruth Buzzi hitting him with her purse! When they filmed those pieces it took a lot of time to set up each one and then there was a quick filming and on to the next...it took forever...the small audience sat in bleachers in the back where it was hard to see...it was "veeeerrrry intter-esting"...but NOT fuunuuyyy...until a few weeks later when we saw it all put together with the music and cuts from a number of shows.

******** ETHNIC CLEANING???? ***********

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

"Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez, that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife: Increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife: Really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?????????????"

************

I love it ******** ETHNIC CLEANING???? ***********

A Sick Priest and Two Attorneys Joke

An old priest was on his deathbed. He sent a message for the two best lawyers in town to come to his home. When they arrived, they were shown upstairs to his bedroom. As they walked into the room, the old priest held out his hands and pointed for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest took both their hands and held them, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a bit, no one said anything. Both the attorneys were pleased that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also confused because the priest had never given any clue that he liked either one of them.

Finally, the first lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to visit?"

The old priest coughed a couple of times, then he quietly said, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to pass as well."

***** Genealogists say the funniest things!! *****

These quotes are actual correspondence received by the lds church:

* We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.

* My grandfather died at the age of 3.

* Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name.

* The wife of 22 could not be found. somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn-what do you think?

* Further research will be necessary to eliminate one of the parents.

* He and his daughter are listed as not being born.

* I would like to find out it i have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family.

* A 14 year old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do the research for me. Will you please send me all the material on the Welch line, in the US, England, and Scotland countries? I will do the research".

* We lost our grandmother, will you send us a copy?

Newspaper Headlines with Double Meanings

• March Planned For Next August
• L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
• Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
• Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

I found another one on proofreading that even includes a couple of those above. This one has comments after each headline... I really liked the last one!

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

* Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
****************************************
* I just couldn't help but sending this along, it's too funny...
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
****************************************
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
****************************************
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
****************************************
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No ‘good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
****************************************
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
****************************************
* War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
****************************************
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
****************************************
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
****************************************
* Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
****************************************
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
****************************************
* Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
****************************************
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
****************************************
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
****************************************
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************************
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************************
And the winner is...
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

Today is National Hug Day--Hope you hug someone or several someones and receive many hugs!!!
Here's a virtual HUG from me to all who read this discussion!!! :-)

Benefits of hugging
Studies have shown that human contact has many health benefits.
* It has been found that human contact improves both psychological and physical development.[10]
* Hugging can also help build a good immune system, decrease the risk of heart disease, and decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol in women.[4]
* It has been shown that a couple who hugs for 20 seconds has higher levels of oxytocin, and that those who were in a loving relationship exhibited a highest increase.[6]
* According to the American Psychosomatic Society, a hug or 10 minutes of holding hands with a romantic partner can help reduce stress, and its harmful physical effects.[9]
* In a study, adults who had no contact with people had higher blood pressure and heart rate.[9]
* Other studies have indicated that the touch of a friend might not be as helpful as the touch of a partner but should not be avoided.

For more info on it. see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Hug_Day

I have a whole bunch of these, so you may have seen a few of them before. Hopefully there are some you haven't read before.

Questions to Ponder… 1
1. Is there another word for synonym?
2. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
3. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
4. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
5. Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?
6. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
7. If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
8. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
9. Why are there flotation devices under airline seats instead of parachutes?
10. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
11. Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
12. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
13. Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport it by ship, it's called cargo?
14. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
15. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
16. What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
17. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
18. If God sneezed, what would you say to him?
19. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
20. Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
21. Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
22. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
23. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
24. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
25. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Turn up your volume for this one. You may have heard or read this one before, but it will still cause a chuckle & you can't help tapping your toes!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeIsxXDyjlc

GREATNESS

Funny & true, Ulf! Just a couple of weeks ago, my brother & I were joking that it was a good thing we had our respective children before we got into genealogy. Don't think they would have appreciated being named after some of our ancestors!

You know that you are addicted to Geni when

You follow the parents in a long loop and ends up on your own
profile thinking, wow, that's my name too.

You followed a long line while continuously pressing the blue "follow button" without realising that the last one is something on the planet of Mars named "Microbeus"

You have stopped noticing small details as, born 1865, died 1856.

Your 27 Gf was 3 years old when he married his 7 years old wife
who later that same year gave birth to your 26 Gf and you still don't
wonder how it's possible.

You rather spend time here turning down your old friends by telling them that you've just found out when your 6th grandmother died and you have to grieve.

You're trying to convince your grandchildren name their newborn son to "Menkheperre Setepenre Shoshenq III".

You're more concerned about your relatives who lived 500 years ago than your own children.

You've lost 75 kilograms since you joined, that was your life partner,
now you battle which date it was in order to write it down in the profile
but you really don't have a clue...

ULF:
"You followed a long line while continuously pressing the blue "follow button" without realising that the last one is something on the planet of Mars named "Microbeus"

I think I mentioned this here (maybe in a different discussion?). A while back.....I was "following" my wife's family late one night....and I kept going back and back AND ADDING PEOPLE to our tree until about 3:00 in the morning and then picked up the next day ...and kept going all day AND ADDING PEOPLE...finally ending up that night with her distant great grandparents...Adam & Eve! I wasn't aware of the GENI Biblical Bibles and somehow I had tapped into the Olde Testament. On the third day I saw on my GENI home page "Norm G. is related to Adam & Eve". Pretty exciting stuffffff.....so then I decided to go for it ...and went one step further to Adam's dad....(who is listed as a single father...no wife) Now I found we were related to G-d Almighty. I immediately E-Mailed all our relatives on both sides...We were truely "Royalty"! Next time I went to my Geni Home Page I noticed it said ..."Norm G. is related to G-d Almighty, DECEASED"!!!??? I had added G-d and hadn't noticed the deceased button...so I went back and clicked living which I assumed was correct...we're pretty secular but I didn't want to get any E-Mails about me killing G-d! Eventually I did get an E-Mail from the manager of G-d Almighties Biblical Affairs asking Why I was Screwing around with GENI's Biblical Tree. Now I'm listed as a "manager" or whatever on all the olde biblical personalties and am constantly being asked personal questions about them.....as if I would tell them...

Norm--have you walked on water yet???

You may have seen some of these before, but you KNOW you are a genealogist if you can identify with any of these!!! My brother is definitely NOT into genealogy!!! I couldn't talk him into visiting the library, city hall or any other place with potential info when he went on vacation to Disney World in Florida last fall. (One of our great grandfathers lived & died in Orlando!) He had 2 wks there and apparently had tooooo much to do and no time (or interest???) to help me out. Oh, well...

You Know You’re a Genealogist if…
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if the top item on your Christmas list is a genealogy subscription!
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if your email contact list contains more distant cousins than immediate family.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you’ve ever tried to inspire the next generation by whispering in a newborn’s ear, “Genealogy is fun.”
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you evaluate the surnames of acquaintances (along with complete strangers) to see how they might be related.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know all the maiden names of all your female friends—and if you don’t, you surreptitiously try to discover them.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you secretly celebrate a forebear’s birthday.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if the highlight of your last trip was a cemetery visit.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if no family member is ever treated as a black sheep (everyone is welcome).
▪ You know you’re a genealogist when you realize your collection of DNA results is more important than your nick knacks.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you immediately understand these abbreviations: BC, DC, MC and VR.
▪ Answer the first associated words that come to mind: Ellis, family and vital. If you answered Island, history and record, you know you’ve become a genealogist.
▪ You might be a genealogist if you think family history is an ancestral game of hide and seek.
▪ You might be a genealogist if dead people are more interesting to you than the living.
▪ You might be a genealogist if you love living in the past lane.
▪ You might be a genealogist if the phrase “relatively speaking” holds a truly unique meaning.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if a scanner and archival storage containers are more exciting gifts than jewelry (female) or football tickets (male).
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know what inst. and ult. stand for.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you’ve ever repurposed your dining room table, and panic at anyone going near it.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if your vacation bucket list includes Fort Wayne, Salt Lake City, and Washington, D.C. (hopefully all in the same year).
▪ You know your friend is not a genealogist if he/she doesn’t understand why these are top vacation destinations.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if there is a courthouse programmed into your GPS.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you’ve ever had your photo taken in front of a tombstone and you were actually smiling!
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know more about the past than the present.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you know what a GEDCOM and an ahnentafel are.
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you have no problem substituting your great great grandmother’s maiden name for your mother’s (in answer to a security question).
▪ You know you’re a genealogist if you can name the county for most major cities in the United States! Admit it—many of you can assign these cities to their correct county: Atlanta, Cleveland, Newark, Houston, San Francisco…
▪ You know you’re a genealogist when you watch a movie that has a scene in a graveyard, and you’re distracted from the plot by trying to transcribe the tombstones.
▪ If you think your family is normal, you probably aren’t a genealogist!
▪ You know you’re hopelessly hooked on genealogy if you say “Honey, I’ll just be a few minutes on the computer,” and then find yourself awestruck by the sunrise.