Genealogy Humor

I don't know if any of you are superstitious about Friday the 13th, but if so, dust off those superstitions... There are 3 of them this year--Feb, March & Nov.
Here is some info about the day... Sorry it is so long.

Friday the 13th Info

Friday the 13th, also known as Black Friday in some countries, is considered an unlucky day in Western superstition. It occurs when the 13th day of the month in the Gregorian calendar falls on a Friday. There is no written evidence for a "Friday the 13th" superstition before the 19th century, and the superstition only gained widespread distribution in the 20th century.

The fear of the number 13 has been given a scientific name: triskadekaphobia; and on analogy to this the fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskevidekatriaphobia, from the Greek words Paraskeví (Παρασκευή, meaning "Friday"), and dekatreís (δεκατρείς, meaning "thirteen")

Legend has it:
• If 13 people sit down to dinner together, one will die within the year.
(thought by some to derive from the Last Supper or a Norse myth, that having thirteen people seated at a table results in the death of one of the diners.)
• The Turks so disliked the number 13 that it was practically expunged from their vocabulary (Brewer, 1894).
• Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue. Many buildings don't have a 13th floor.
• If you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck (Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names).
• There are 13 witches in a coven.
• The Chinese regarded the number as lucky, some commentators note, as did the Egyptians in the time of the pharaohs.
• Never change your bed on Friday; it will bring bad dreams.
• If you cut your nails on Friday, you cut them for sorrow.
• Don't start a trip on Friday or you will encounter misfortune.
• Ships that set sail on a Friday will have bad luck, as in the tale of H.M.S. Friday. One hundred years ago, the British government sought to quell the longstanding superstition among seamen that setting sail on Fridays was unlucky. A special ship was commissioned and given the name "H.M.S. Friday." They laid her keel on a Friday, launched her on a Friday, selected her crew on a Friday, and hired a man named Jim Friday to be her captain. To top it off, H.M.S. Friday embarked on her maiden voyage on a Friday — and was never seen or heard from again.

'A day so infamous'
One theory, recently offered up as historical fact in the novel The Da Vinci Code, holds that the stigma came about not as the result of a convergence, but because of a catastrophe, a single historical event that happened nearly 700 years ago. That event was the decimation of the Knights Templar, the legendary order of "warrior monks" formed during the Christian Crusades to combat Islam. Renowned as a fighting force for 200 years, by the 1300s the order had grown so pervasive and powerful it was perceived as a political threat by kings and popes alike and brought down by a church-state conspiracy, as recounted by Katharine Kurtz in Tales of the Knights Templar (Warner Books, 1995):

On October 13, 1307, a day so infamous that Friday the 13th would become a synonym for ill fortune, officers of King Philip IV of France carried out mass arrests in a well-coordinated dawn raid that left several thousand Templars — knights, sergeants, priests, and serving brethren — in chains, charged with heresy, blasphemy, various obscenities, and homosexual practices. None of these charges was ever proven, even in France — and the Order was found innocent elsewhere — but in the seven years following the arrests, hundreds of Templars suffered excruciating tortures intended to force "confessions," and more than a hundred died under torture or were executed by burning at the stake.

There are problems with the "day so infamous" thesis, not the least of which is that it attributes enormous cultural significance to a relatively obscure historical event. Even more problematic for this or any other theory positing premodern origins for a superstitious dread of Friday the 13th is the fact that no one has been able to document the existence of such a superstition prior to the late 19th century. If folks in earlier times perceived Friday the 13th as a day of special misfortune, no evidence has been found to prove it. Some scholars are now convinced the stigma is a thoroughly modern phenomenon exacerbated by 20th-century media hype.

The book that started it. Friday, the Thirteenth
A Novel by Thomas W. Lawson 1907

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/12345/12345-h/12345-h.htm

The art of comparing

A 6 year old boy is playing with his bucket on the beach together with his mum, suddenly a curvy blonde walks by, the boy point his finger and shouts loudly; -Look mama, what a pair of giant breast she have! Everyone nearby turns around and smiles, but the mother becomes both upset and sad. The little boy realizes that he had said something wrong so he decides to comfort his mum so he gentle says;
-But mummy, yours are much longer!

Oh, my!!! I don't know which comment would be more embarrassing!!!

Since Valentine's Day is Saturday, I thought I would include some info about St Valentine and related history... Hope you find it interesting. Is he in Geni???

6 Surprising Facts About St. Valentine

1. The St. Valentine who inspired the holiday may have been two different men. Officially recognized by the Roman Catholic Church, St. Valentine is known to be a real person who died around A.D. 270. However, his true identity was questioned as early as A.D. 496 by Pope Gelasius I, who referred to the martyr and his acts as “being known only to God.” One account from the 1400s describes Valentine as a temple priest who was beheaded near Rome by the emperor Claudius II for helping Christian couples wed. A different account claims Valentine was the Bishop of Terni, also martyred by Claudius II on the outskirts of Rome. Because of the similarities of these accounts, it’s thought they may refer to the same person. Enough confusion surrounds the true identity of St. Valentine that the Catholic Church discontinued liturgical veneration of him in 1969, though his name remains on its list of officially recognized saints.

2. In all, there are about a dozen St. Valentines, plus a pope. The saint we celebrate on Valentine’s Day is known officially as St. Valentine of Rome in order to differentiate him from the dozen or so other Valentines on the list. Because “Valentinus”—from the Latin word for worthy, strong or powerful—was a popular moniker between the second and eighth centuries A.D., several martyrs over the centuries have carried this name. The official Roman Catholic roster of saints shows about a dozen who were named Valentine or some variation thereof. The most recently beatified Valentine is St. Valentine Berrio-Ochoa, a Spaniard of the Dominican order who traveled to Vietnam, where he served as bishop until his beheading in 1861. Pope John Paul II canonized Berrio-Ochoa in 1988. There was even a Pope Valentine, though little is known about him except that he served a mere 40 days around A.D. 827.

3. Valentine is the patron saint of beekeepers and epilepsy, among many other things. Saints are certainly expected to keep busy in the afterlife. Their holy duties include interceding in earthly affairs and entertaining petitions from living souls. In this respect, St. Valentine has wide-ranging spiritual responsibilities. People call on him to watch over the lives of lovers, of course, but also for interventions regarding beekeeping and epilepsy, as well as the plague, fainting and traveling. As you might expect, he’s also the patron saint of engaged couples and happy marriages.

4. You can find Valentine’s skull in Rome. The flower-adorned skull of St. Valentine is on display in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome. In the early 1800s, the excavation of a catacomb near Rome yielded skeletal remains and other relics now associated with St. Valentine. As is customary, these bits and pieces of the late saint’s body have subsequently been distributed to reliquaries around the world. You’ll find other bits of St. Valentine’s skeleton on display in the Czech Republic, Ireland, Scotland, England and France.

5. Chaucer may have invented Valentine’s Day. The medieval English poet Geoffrey Chaucer often took liberties with history, placing his poetic characters into fictitious historical contexts that he represented as real. No record exists of romantic celebrations on Valentine’s Day prior to a poem Chaucer wrote around 1375. In his work “Parliament of Foules,” he links a tradition of courtly love with the celebration of St. Valentine’s feast day–an association that didn’t exist until after his poem received widespread attention. The poem refers to February 14 as the day birds (and humans) come together to find a mate. When Chaucer wrote, “For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne’s day / Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate,” he may have invented the holiday we know today.

6. You can celebrate Valentine’s Day several times a year. Because of the abundance of St. Valentines on the Roman Catholic roster, you can choose to celebrate the saint multiple times each year. Besides February 14, you might decide to celebrate St. Valentine of Viterbo on November 3. Or maybe you want to get a jump on the traditional Valentine celebration by feting St. Valentine of Raetia on January 7. Women might choose to honor the only female St. Valentine (Valentina), a virgin martyred in Palestine on July 25, A.D. 308. The Eastern Orthodox Church officially celebrates St. Valentine twice, once as an elder of the church on July 6 and once as a martyr on July 30.

Fear of Friday the 13th is called Paraskevidekatriaphobia. I was born on a Friday the 13th so I consider it a good day!

Here is a list of top 10 Friday the 13th trivia.

1. 90% of US skyscrapers do away with floor number 13, according to reports by the Otis Elevator Company, the world's largest elevator manufacturers.

2. In 1881, a group of 13 people came together to form The Thirteen Club. Their main objective was to dissipate some of the ominous associations of number 13. The number of members eventually rose to 400 which included 5 US presidents namely, Benjamin Harrison, Grover Cleveland, William McKinley, Theodore Roosevelt and Chester Arthur. It is therefore that Theodore Roosevelt placed the cornerstone for a new county courthouse in New York on Friday, 13th July in the year 1900.

3. It was a Friday on 16th of September, 1814 when Francis Scott Key finished composing the poem 'Defence of Fort McHenry', from which came the lyrics of the national anthem of the United States of America, "The Star-Spangled Banner".

4. The report issued by the Dutch Centre for Insurance Statistics on June 12, 2008, states "fewer accidents and reports of fire and theft occur when the 13th of the month falls on a Friday than on other Fridays, because people are preventatively more careful or just stay home." This in turn was reflected in the reports received by Dutch insurance companies, in the last three years, which showed that on normal Fridays, the number of traffic accidents touched a figure of approximately 7,800 but it decreased to 7,500 on a Friday, the 13th in The Netherlands.

5. On Friday, 13th November, 2009, NASA scientist Anthony Colaprete, confirmed the discovery of 25 gallons of water in the southern polar region of the moon.

6. Lizzie Borden, the prime accused in the infamous Hatchet Murder Case of 1892, uttered a total of 13 words during her trial and got acquitted.

7. For Muslims, Fridays are extremely auspicious days, for example: 'Solah Shukravar Vrats' fasting for 16 consecutive Fridays.

8. The 32nd President of the United States, Franklin Roosevelt, never travelled on a 13th and refused to have a meal with 13 people at the table.

9. The deadliest associations with number 13 are the facts that there are 13 stairs leading to the gallows; the blade in a guillotine fell from a height of 13 feet; and a hangman has 13 knots in a hangman's noose.

10. Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx, the celebrated American actor produced exactly 13 feature films with his brothers, entertaining us all for many years.

The oldest known Valentine's Day message in the
English language was uncovered by the British Library.
Written in Norfolk more than 500 years ago.

"Unto my right well-beloved Valentine John Paston, squire,
be this bill delivered.

"Right reverent and worshipful and my right well-beloved valentine,
I recommend me unto you full heartedly, desiring to hear of your
welfare, which I beseech Almighty God long for to preserve unto
his pleasure and your hearts desire.

"And if it pleases you to hear of my welfare, I am not in good
health of body nor of heart, nor shall I be till I hear from you.

"For there knows no creature what pain that I endure,
And even on the pain of death I would reveal no more.

"And my lady my mother hath laboured the matter to
my father full diligently, but she can no more get than
you already know of, for which God knoweth I am full sorry.

"But if you love me, as I trust verily that you do,
you will not leave me therefore.

"For even if you had not half the livelihood that you have,
for to do the greatest labour that any woman alive might,
I would not forsake you.

Love you truly

"And if you command me to keep me true wherever I go,
indeed I will do all my might you to love and never anyone else.

"And if my friends say that I do amiss, they shall not stop me
from doing so.

"My heart me bids evermore to love you truly over all earthly things.

"And if they be never so angry, I trust it shall be better in time coming.

"No more to you at this time, but the Holy Trinity have you in keeping.

"And I beseech you that this bill be not seen by any non earthly
creature save only yourself.

"And this letter was written at Topcroft with full heavy heart.

"Be your own Margery Brews."

Margery Brewse is Ulf Ingvar Göte Martinsson's 10th cousin 17 times removed!
http://www.geni.com/path/Ulf-Martinsson+is+related+to+Margery-Brews...

Margery de Brewse

Ulf, Margery is my 4th cousin 17 times removed! (My 19th great grandfather & her great great grandmother were brother/sister) What a very small world we live in!!!

Here are some possibilities for you to use for that special Valentine in your life.

VALENTINE’S DAY QUOTATIONS

1. Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.- Aristotle
2. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.- Lao Tzu
3. My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite.- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
4. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
5. Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.- Henry Ward Beecher
6. Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.- Anais Nin
7. Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
8. Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires; To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully.- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
9. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.-Helen Keller
10. Love does not dominate; it cultivates.- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
11. Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.- Zora Neale Hurston
12. Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love.- Leo Tolstoy
13. Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.- Dorothy Parker
14. I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.- Alice Walker
15. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.- Pablo Neruda, “Love Sonnet XVII”

Without needing to confirm, I remember that
Shakespeare, Goethe and Tolstoy were all
cousins to me, and I suspect more of them are,
anyway, expressions of love is often ear candy.

Ulf, thanks for posting Margery's valentine. She is my 6th cousin 10X.

Ever say one word when in actuality you really should have used another? I still remember the embarrassment I felt in high school geometry class when we were discussing the circumference of a circle... only I said circumcision (not once, but twice because I didn't realize what I had said!!!) Talk about turning 10 shades of red!!!!!!!

Medical Condition/Vocabulary Choice

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it together.

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

I have indeed once crushed my sternum, scrotum, pelvis and my tailbone, unfortunately, none of it was done at the same time.

Human progress

-It's incredible what the surgeons nowadays has become skillful,
I heard about one accident where a man lost his eyes,
they replaced them with two blueberries and now he sees just
as good as before.
- So you say, I heard of a man who got his fingers blown off in
an explosion, they replaced the fingers with teats from a cow's
udder and his hand became just as good as new.
-Amazing, has anyone seen it?
-Yes, the man with the blueberries.

A bit late for Valentine's Day, but what do you think of this (from JohnWilmot, Earl of Rochester, to his wife)

"Dear Madam,

You are stark mad, and therefore the fitter for me to love; and that is the reason, I think, that I can never leave to be

Your humble servant"

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T!"
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.”
13) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
14) "Don't you think the olives were a little much."

The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just give it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh!

Who Came First?

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

"You know, woman to woman."

......this is sooo baaaad........

**************A NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING********

Olaf Swenson, while out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony,
he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said:
"How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, iz still a virgin -- in every vay.
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together...making quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, he married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Picturesque DownTown Duluth. That night in the gorgeous Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

"Look at dis Lena .....it's still in DA ORIGINAL CRATE!"

Norm, That is just tooooooooo funny!!! I didn't see the end coming!
I have to share this with my email group!

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven!!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair –
No Matter How Big They Are.

Norm and Patricia, these are funny!!! Thanks for a little humor in the morning.

"RELIGION at the SUPERBOWL".....

*************************************************************************
Late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter..........2/17/2015
*************************************************************************

Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time.

Magna Carta

A bus full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England. 



They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." 



A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" 



"1215," answers the guide. 



The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

Lost in Canada

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. 



Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?" 



The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." 



The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

God Created and the Devil Responded

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

The Last Wish

A man convicted for murder faced the execution platoon. “Do you have any last request”, asked the executioner?

“Yes, first I wanted to repeat that I'm innocent, but since nobody believed me before it's meaningless, so instead I want a last blowjob!”

“Well, sex is the last thing a man in your position would think about, so your wish is the first of its type I've ever encountered, so I will have to consult my chief.”

The executioner went away and came back after a short while with a prostitute he had grabbed at the corner. –“ Your wish were granted, 
I was at first doubtful but a dying mans last wish should always be granted if it's possible.”

The whore was briefly instructed and took her position; the platoon turned their heads away in respect for some privacy.

Just a short while after that, they heard a scream and the woman ran away and when they looked at the man they could all see that a part of him gone missing.

“Oh my god,” screamed the executioner, “what happened?”

-“Well, I have always said to myself that if I ever lost my cock I would kill myself, but then again, I knew I couldn't do that because I'm not a murderer and now I finally have both a reason to die for and I don't have to kill myself.”

The executioner shook his head, then he turned around and said, - “Ready, aim ,,,”

Just as he was going to say fire, a man ride in on his horse and shouted "STOP! “Release that man, they have found the real murderer!”

Magic Lamp

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish." 



The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the Middle East." 



The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits." 



The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, let them ask for sensible changes before I start writing the programs and no changes after I start." 



Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

A weak result

A middle age man went to the doctor in order to do a fertility test.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, - Take this jar and came back tomorrow with a sample in it.
Next day the man came back and gave back the jar to the doctor,
empty, just as clean as the day before.

The doctor wondered what happened and the man replied:
- I'm so sorry, but first I tried with my right hand, nothing happened.
Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing happened.
So I called on my wife for help. She also tried first with her right hand and then with her left hand without any result. Then she tried with her mouth, but it didn't help.

Then we knocked on the door to our neighbor, an old lady but they sometimes can really surprise.

She also tried with her hands, then with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then without them, she even tried in her armpit and finally when nothing worked, she tried to squeeze it between her knees, without any result.

The doctor was shocked.
- You can not be serious! Did you really ask your neighbor for help?
- Yes, said the middle aged man. But how much we yet tried, we couldn't get the lock off.

Animals can teach us a lot:

<http://wallythekat.tripod.com/A_Pages/AA-Videos-YOU-Tube/Clydesdale...;