Genealogy Humor

Here’s poet John Skelton (c. 1463-1529) defending his doggerels:

For though my rhyme be ragged,
Tattered and jagged,
Rudely rain-beaten,
Rusty and moth-eaten,
If ye take well therewith,
It hath in it some pith.

I love limericks! Here is one of my favorites.

There once was a young lady named bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night

In honor of Pi Day, March 14, 2015:

Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign
I would fix it at 3
For its simpler you see
Than 3 point 14159

I know lots of limericks but I am afraid they are to risque to print here

St Patrick's Day is rapidly approaching so thought I would include some things about the holiday.

Symbols/Myths/Legends about Leprechauns

A Leprechaun in Irish folklore was, a little sprite, or goblin.


The name leprechaun may have derived from the Irish leath brogan or shoemaker, although its origins may lie in luacharma'n Irish for pygmy.


These apparently aged, diminutive men are frequently to be found in an intoxicated state, caused by home-brew poteen. However they never become so drunk that the hand, which holds the hammer, becomes unsteady and their shoemaker's work affected. 


Leprechauns have also become self-appointed guardians of ancient treasure, burying it in crocks or pots.


If caught by a mortal, he will promise great wealth if allowed to go free. He carries two leather pouches. In one there is a silver shilling, a magical coin that returns to the purse each time it is paid out. In the other he carries a gold coin, which he uses to try and bribe his way out of difficult situations. This coin usually turns to leaves or ashes once the leprechaun has parted with it.


by Micha F. Lindemans:
Very small sprites who sometimes live in farmhouses or wine cellars. They are known to aid humans and perform small labors for them. Sometimes they ask humans for supplies and furniture, for which in return they give objects which bring luck and fortune. Leprechauns are called fairy cobblers, for they make shoes for elves (but always one shoe, never a pair). They are seen quite often by humans and are described as merry little fellows gaily dressed in old-fashioned clothes; green, with a red cap, leather apron, and buckled shoes. (The internet must not have read this as I looked for one that looked like this under several headings and didn't find even one that fit this description--no red cap or leather apron & none that looked like cobblers!! They all wore green suits or some variation!)

When they finish their daily tasks, leprechauns like to organize wild feast, during which time they are referred to as cluricauns. These (often drunk) cluricauns can then be seen riding in moonlight on the back of a dog or a sheep.

According to popular belief, a leprechaun possesses a treasure (usually a pot of gold) which a human may obtain if he succeeds in capturing one, which is extremely difficult. Even after capture, a person may not take his eyes off of him for an instant, for then he will vanish. Leprechauns are mainly found in Irish folklore.

Derived from the Gaelic luacharma'n, "pygmy"; or leith brogan "maker of one shoe".

The leprechaun 'family' appears split into two distinct groups - leprechaun and cluricaun. Although the leprechaun has been described as Ireland's national fairy, this name was originally only used in the north Leinster area. Variants include lurachmain, lurican, lurgadhan.

Hey Sydney, the more risque the limerick, the better!

Just trying, plz, correct any misspelling.

There once was a president in Washington
who was just as clever as an simpleton
when asked to beg some old voters
he went and hired some floaters
to dig up the cemetery in Arlington

There once was a man in New York
who had an accident with his fork
as the waiter handed the bill
he stabbed himself very ill
it was too expensive for the dork

There was a young maid from Saint Paul
Wore a newspaper out to a ball
There came a great fire
Which burned her attire
Front page sport section and all

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was gray had long ears and ate grass

Here are a few more:

There was an Old Lady of France,
Who taught little Ducklings to dance;
When she said, “Tick-a-tack!”
They only said, “Quack!”
Which grieved that Old Lady of France.

There was a young lady from Pratt
Who had triplets Tim, Tom and Tat
It was OK in the breeding
But when it came to feeding
There was no tit for Tat.

There once was a laddie named Pat,
Who always played with Rylee Cat,
They liked to play joust,
With help of a mouse,
Until one of them would go Splat!

At times I’m so mad that I’m hopping.
My angriness sets my veins popping.
I lament and I curse,
With swearwords diverse,
But my wife does much worse: she goes shopping.

There was a young boy from Crewe
Who found a bug in his stew
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about
Or the rest will be wanting one to.

There once was a boy named Joe
Who dropped a big brick on his toe
He asked with a frown
“Will the swelling go down?”
And the doctor said “yes I think so.”

Though quantum descriptions are nice,
I’m determined they do not suffice
They may explain much
About stuff you can’t touch,
But remember—God doesn’t play dice.
(Albert Einstein)

Did you know there is a place called Limerick, Ireland??? Here is a site that has some pix that you might enjoy...
http://www.shutterstock.com/s/Limerick,+Ireland/search.html

St Patrick Day Info
From: http://wilstar.com/holidays/patrick.htm

The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385. His given name was Maewyn, and he almost didn't get the job of bishop of Ireland because he lacked the required scholarship.

The Pagan Saint?
Far from being a saint, until he was 16, he considered himself a pagan. At that age, he was sold into slavery by a group of Irish marauders that raided his village. During his captivity he became a Christian and adopted the name Patrick.

He escaped from slavery after six years and went to Gaul where he studied in the monastery under St. Germain, bishop of Auxerre for a period of twelve years. During his training he got the notion that his calling was to convert the pagans to Christianity.

His wishes were to return to Ireland, to convert the native pagans to Christianity. But his superiors instead appointed St. Palladius. But two years later, Palladius transferred to Scotland. Patrick was then appointed as second bishop to Ireland.

Spreading the "Truth"
Patrick was quite successful at winning converts. And this fact rightfully upset the Celtic Druids, who had their own native religion. Patrick was arrested several times, but escaped each time. He traveled throughout Ireland, establishing monasteries across the country. He also set up schools and churches which would aid him in his indoctrination of the Irish country into Christianity.

His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick's Day ever since.

Maewyn Myths
Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick's Day. Not much of it is actually substantiated.

Some of this lore includes the belief that Patrick raised people from the dead. He also is said to have given a sermon from a hilltop that drove all the snakes from Ireland. Of course, no snakes were ever native to Ireland, and some people think this is a metaphor for the conversion of the pagans. Though originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into more of a secular holiday.

Symbolism
One traditional icon of the day is the shamrock. And this stems from a more bona fide Irish tale that tells how Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the Trinity. He used it in his sermons to represent how the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit could all exist as separate elements of the same entity. His followers adopted the custom of wearing a shamrock on his feast day.

The St. Patrick's Day custom came to America in 1737. That was the first year St. Patrick's Day was publicly celebrated in this country, in Boston.

Good Things Come from Pagan Conversions
Today, people celebrate the day with parades, wearing of the green, and drinking beer. One reason St. Patrick's Day might have become so popular is that it takes place just a few days before the first day of spring. One might say it has become the first green of spring.

Happy St Patrick's Day to one and all who read this discussion site.
May God give you:
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

Keep in mind:
EVERYTHING will be alright in the end.
If it is not alright--It is not the end.

An Irish Toast

A guy raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!" 



"What's that mean?" 



"That is an authentic Irish toast." 



"Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon." 



"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?" 



"That's French toast."

These are winners & olde favorites from an on-line contest:
*****************************************
There was a young Greek named Odysseus
Who thought the occasion auspicious
To venture abroad
For to rescue a broad
But his wife thought it quite injudicious.

There was a young man at Trinity
Who took the square root of Infinity
The number of digits
Gave him the fidgets
He gave up Math and took up Divinity.

an EXcel- / -lent POet / named PEter
said LIM'ricks / should FOLlow / a MEter
the STRESSes / poSItioned
in WAYS pre- / -conDItioned
and THEN it / will SOUND that / much SWEETer.

There once was a man named Narcissus
Said 'I'm nobody's mister or missus
But I'm not on the shelf
I'm in love with myself'
Then he gazed in a pool and said 'Kiss us!'

the limerick epithalamion
dates back to times pre-abrahamian
when adam and eve
were yet to conceive
and make such a mesopotamian

{Ogden Nash poems I learned as a child. Not limericks per se,
but fit well with . . .}

Fog comes in on little cat feet
sits silently waiting
then moves on

Rhinoceros!
preposterous!

EDIT: The earliest attribution I could find was to Prof. A. H. Reginald Buller, University of Manitoba, some time in the early 1920s:
There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was far faster than light.
She set off one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

I was inspired to write this limerick after overindulging in one of my favourite treats (two prunes OK; three prunes not OK):
...Prunes are sweet and delicious
But one of my fervent wishes
Is eating my fill
Without feeling ill
From gastrointestinal swishes.

There are "clean" limericks that are pretty funny:
...The limerick's an art form complex
Whos subject runs largely to sex
It's full of young virgins and masculine urgins
And vulgar erotic effects
Or
The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she runs to the slums and promptly becomes disorderly drunk and obscene

A limericks beats are quite few
Eight or nine in lines 1 5 and 2
Line 3 and line 4
Have but 5 or 6 more
With the rhyming as in this review.

There was a girl-puppy named Loki
who believed that leash-walking was hokey.
She rather would run
till she got to the sun,
dragging handler to gimpy from pokey.

There was a young lad from New York
well mannered with etiquette fork.
But here on the farm
we note with alarm
that he calls the sow-mamma a pork.

A surrogate mama named Blum
Says business is starting to boom
She sells all the issue
Produced by her tissue
And lives off the fruit of the womb.

And while we're on the subject of Limericks:
..."There was once a young lady from Exeter,
Who could make all the men crane their necks at 'er,
And some who were brave
Would take out and wave
The distinguishing marks of their sex at 'er."

Went to Ireland to drink me some whisky,
Found the lasses I met to be frisky,
Nonetheless please do note,
That you must have a coat,
For walking home alone it's gets very brisky!

one of my favourite limericks which even has a rhyme in the last line:
...There once was a lass from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were gifts from God.
But it wasn't the Almighty who pulled up her nighty,
It was Roger the lodger, the sod.

There was this poor fellow named Clyde
Who fell into a privy and died.
Along came his brother
Who fell into another
And now they’re interred side by side.

A limerick was what the guy needed,
My inner voice I should have heeded,
He sent back a note
Said the piece that I wrote
Was not what he'd judge had succeeded.

There once was a gal who loved sex,
Without it she felt quite perplexed.
Done with one lover,
She wanted another.
She used all her men like Kleenex.

There was a young man in a truck
And crossing the road was a duck
He avoided the bird
And also the word
You were thinking; oh baby, what luck!

Hey Norm, I also love Ogden Nash!

Remember this one?
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!

Part two:
"I promise no more less you give me 'what for'!!!"

From the same contest as above but these are called CLARIHEW'S

MEANING:
noun: A humorous, pseudo-biographical verse of four lines of uneven length, with the rhyming scheme AABB, and the first line containing the name of the subject.

ETYMOLOGY:
After writer Edmund Clerihew Bentley (1875-1956), who originated it. Earliest documented use: 1928. Here is one of his clerihews:
Sir Christopher Wren
Said, “I am going to dine with some men.
If anyone calls
Say I am designing St. Paul’s.”

Biblical Noah
Collected zoa.
So did the lexicographer, from A to Z
Into his American Dictionary.

“Commanders-in-chief have long been targets for jokes:

Founding dad James Madison
was sad he never had a son.
His parental contribution?
Father of the Constitution.

Turf defender James Monroe
warned the Europeans, “Whoa!
If you trespass, you’ll be shot.
That’s my doctrine, like it or not.”

Your clerihew,
it threw
me till someone said
that Z is zee not zed.

I wonder if Clerihew
ever knew
that his poetry style
would last a while

President Barak Obama
tried to negotiate with big pharma.
Angry politicians railed against him
ignoring healthcare is their maxim.

Mata Hari could steal and lie,
Two qualities of a great spy.
Still, history finds it hard to hate her
Because she was such a lovely traitor.

Attila the Hun
Refused to be outdone
He even set off to conquer Rome
But admitted defeat and headed for home.

Webster said to Johnson, "Look see!
"I've made a dictionary from A to Z!"
Samuel Johnson replied "I'd rather be dead
"Than to not pronounce the final letter as Z."

Biblical Noah
Collected zoa.
So what did the carnivores eat?
Were herbivores their crunchy treat?

Said the young auto man Henry Ford,
"With our colors you'll never be bored.
No tint or shade or hue do we lack;
You can have your pick, as long as it's black."

King Alfred the Great
Wished the border wars would abate;
He had little liking

For anyone who might be a Viking.
circling the oak tree trunk
I follow footprints of a skunk;
Then, like an evil witch’s spell,
the air is filled with a musky smell.

'Twas most disconcerting for Hannibal,
When introduced to a cannibal,
Who expressed the very highest opinion
Of cold pickled Carthaginian."

Barrack Hussein Obama
Get out of the White House, he oughta.
The people of this country stand in shame,
because the Constitution he has defamed.

Wisconsin's Scott Walker
Is quite the bold talker,
But do teachers equate
With an ISIS-led state?

There once a violinist named Ansgarius
Whose perch on his chair was precarious
The music never slowed
As he furiously bowed
And the result was rather hilarious

There once was a gal who loved sex,
Without it she felt quite perplexed,
Done with one lover,
She wanted another.
She used all her men like Kleenex.

There was a transvestite named Danny
who traded his **** for a fanny
when he stood up to pee
he said, "deary me"
I don't think that was very canny

The Yanks, yes they have Mr. Obama,
And all of his fun-a-rama,
but up here we have Harper,
and frankly...well, he's sharper.

Thumbed Hillary C.
"You cannot find me!
Every bit, every byte
Stays well out of sight."

My limerick to you,
Got sent into
The category clerihew
Boo hoo hoo

Words, I adore
Sports, I abhor
Fit I will be
But from A to Z

From a childhood flower book I have lost and pined for for years:

Bleeding Heart upon the wall
Told her woes to one and all
Live Forever said "Forget it!
Life treats you the way you let it!"
The clocks jumped forward last weekend
Prompting me to wonder "Where will it end?"
The answer was no mystery at all:
The clocks will leap backwards in the fall.

Why do we toil
Worrying about the price of oil?
It's much more fun
Utilizing the power of the sun.

We just broke up.
Now I'm drinking from the cup
not of sorrow
but cheers for tomorrow.

Violet's lines on Downton Abbey
Range from wry to kind of crabby.
Sometimes funny, sometimes mournful,
She's a pro at being scornful.

(this writer apologized in advance)
Ms. Lewinsky's slim résumé
Says little of what she did every day.
But it's factually true, though many might laugh,
That she worked for a time on the President's staff.

Amelia Earhart, grown tired of the spotlight
Sought solace in a long circumglobular flight.
She took a wrong turn, crashed and died, some folks say,
But she runs a kite shop in Tahiti today.

Louis Camille Maillard,
making pie from beef tartare,
his delicious Reaction,
gave us satisfaction

Living quietly in Key West
Warm weather is the best.
But during the North's storms of snow
We develop friends we don't even know!

K-----, never bashful
with pockets never cashful
loves the snow, takes off her clothes
for tossed coins as the traffic slows

A young lady from these parts is callipygian.
Although her mind is most stygian,
She she uses her rhetoric
To good effect, but this clerihew should have been a limerick!

Winter weather is a pain.
Instead of shoveling snow I'd rather dodge the rain.
And summer's heat is not inspiring,
I spend most of the hottest days perspiring.

Remaining calm is the thing to do
whenever danger threatens you.
But you will get a bigger thrill
when you learn "this is just a drill".

If we are going to get a little raunchy:

A gay man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

There was a young lady named Myrtle
Who amused herself with a sea turtle
And what was phenomenal
The swelling abdominal
Revealed that the turtle was fertile

"Ode to the Colorectal Surgeon"

....drop dead funny if you're NOT squeamish.....

http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM

hi noelie, If you want risqué emails send me your email address
Mine is fred.fox1@hotmail.cpm

Heeey Noelle..."Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!"...is one of my favorites.

Sidney...
I love the "risque" jokes, limericks & stories, etc. Buuut I don't think GENI would appreciate it ????

Norm, I loved the "Ode to the Colorectal Surgeon"!!!

Sydney, I agree with Norm about the "risque" humor for here. Slightly "naughty" is ok, but still need to be careful that it isn't tooooo naughty! Our goal is to result in laughs, chuckles or groans. I'm glad you gave a home email address for those who might be interested in the risque. It allows those who may enjoy that type of humor to contact you.

Touring Ireland

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said.

"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.

Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”

We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."


"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."


"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some sites with more info about the Blarney Stone:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blarney_Stone
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blarney_Castle
http://syque.com/ds/pix/summer_hols_07/holiday_summer_07_limerick.htm

The Blarney Stone is actually incorporated into the outer wall of the parapet, between two corbels. It is mounted as part of the sill of one of the machicolations. See where the baton is pointing? That is the Blarney Stone. It is believed to be half of the Stone of Scone, or the Coronation Stone, that originally belonged to Scotland. Scottish kings were crowned over the Stone because it is believed to hold special powers. Legend has it that half of the Stone was given to Cormac McCarthy by Robert the Bruce in 1314 in appreciation for his support in the Battle of Bannockburn.

Some of those sites had pix of where the Blarney Stone actually is!!!

The Blarney Stone is rated as one of the world's dirtiest objects. In the days before it was gated, local teen boys used to haul beer up to the roof & urinate on the stone. The gardens there are really lovely & don't get enough mention!

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son . . . .


I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.


Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.


I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it. Then I got him a Murphy's; he didn't like it either, so I drank it.


It was the same with Beamish and O'Hara's and Kilkenny.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .


I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Norm, I laughed when I got to the end, but wonder what Mom's thoughts were about Dad's sharing with his son??? I had to share that one with my email "family".

This one is a little naughty, so I hope no one is offended and all will laugh when you get to the end.

Bingo Winnings…

Young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright lights of London. Comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi, wearing a full-length mink coat.


"Begorrah, Colleen" says her mother. "'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' - an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"


Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London."


When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.


(Same exchange with mom -- same "Won it at bingo." Then Colleen returns to the bright lights once again.)


A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all at the bingo. Then she asks her mom to run her a bath, as she needs to freshen up. Her mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin'" replies her mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo ticket wet now, do we?"

Doing a good deed…

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill...
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO RALPH'S..................

Yesterday I was at my local Ralph's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think...I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.


I told her no..... I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me!!!

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Ralph's won't let me shop there anymore.

Norm, that was tooooooooo funny. I knew the ending was going to be good, but didn't expect that ending!!! I will be sharing this one with my email family.

A Test for seniors to take to keep those "aging" gray cells active!

**************************************************************************

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
...What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.
...What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
.... what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
...Why not?

8. What was the President's name
.... in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
.... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
...how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

**************Here are the Answers****************

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [duh!]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

******************IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD*************

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

******************Ten (10) Things I know about you.***************

1) You are reading this.

2) You are probably human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person and everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

*************You are reading this because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category!!!*******************************

I answered your list, then when I got to the last question, I saw that you had posted the answers.

1. Johnny
2. Meat
3. Mt. Everest
4. The hole is empty
5. Incorrectly
6. He lives in Australia
7. It would be invalid
8. Obama
9. 2nd.
10.None, it's yellow
11. One