Genealogy Humor

I didn't think that anyone would get it. An April 1st baby is called a Fool.

Kevin

Different people have different reactions to Humor. I seldom laughed out loud but express my enjoyment with a smile and sometimes just have good enjoyment feeling inside my wife on the other hand laugh out loud and show her enjoyment . I think she will kill herself with laughter when she reads the one "Men never listen" It nearly happens to me when I once walk in to the wrong door. Luckily an old lady with her handbag as weapon saved me from loosing the "Crown Jewels"

Still on the above one. " Different sense/reaction to humor."
May be you have read out of my accent and use of tenses that I am an Afrikaans speaking South African .

South Africa have 11 official Languages and about six main cultural groupings and each grouping have a different sense of humor. So you must not be offended if 5 out of six doesn't laugh at your jokes.

a Comedian have a bad time if landed with the wrong culture group. I have seen some of them getting a nervous breakdown when people start walking out with out even a smile.

Say for instance an English Comedian walks onto the stage, hook his finger into his collar stretches his neck and kick backwards with his left leg the English part of the audience will fall from their chairs with laughter. Me as Afrikaans speaking South African (we are called Boere as in "Anglo/Boerwar") can even to save my life not laughed at that.

But now the Afrikaans speaking comedian comes on the stage, bend to the audience, scratch his behind (outside his trousers) and smell at his fingers. That is something to laugh about. The English part of the audience grab their children and walk out.

More ore less all our South Africans of English and other European stock are at least 7th cousins. You cant believe that there are still such a gap in humor.

Dries....So I take it what you have is close to the Dutch sense of humour?...or is it closer to the German sense of humour?

Norm, now you have got me, what ever I say somebody will come and kill me I will say we Afrikaans speaking people have a Dutch sense of humor. Considering the Surnames they gave them selves. I have more exposure to German humor then Dutch . I have grown up in Southwest Africa , my mother was born here when it still was a German Colony .Went to a German School speak fluent German we always had German friends. My father came during the first world as a South African Soldier and stay on as policeman. He later became a farmer etc.
At school Afrikaans, English and German were compulsory subjects so you have to pass them before you can move on to the next grade.
I finished school start working got married and was transferred to South Africa where I stayed for forty years. On retirement I return to Namibia The Germans are a strange lot (not badly meant) You can be friends with a German spoke Afrikaans etc. but soon as another German joins they switch to German. They Like singing and beer drinking.( one of the favorite songs are " Meinen das Macdchen und Meinen das beer , kauf sie ein auto and fahr gegen baum dan ist das leben ein draum.) Translated ' Care about the girl and care about the beer . Buy yourself a motor car and crash it against a tree then life is a dream' . Later on the party is getting to slamming your fist on the table to give emphasis to your view/stand point. No fighting is meant. That characteristic got me in much trouble in South Africa, They thought I want to fight.
Their humor is very sub tile They will say in German " Frau Dresselhaus drink nicht mehr (and after a pause) auch nicht minder" (Translation Mrs Dresselhaus doesn't drink any more but also not less)
Once in Swakopmund (that is a place on the West Coast of Namibia still more German than Germany) an old lady lost her under set of dentures She went to the Chemist, German owned ,to put a notice in their window that anybody finding the dentures should hand it in at the chemist. Everybody reading the notice collected dentures and hand it in they even connect other towns to collect dentures so at the end there were a few hundred sets of dentures or more. When she see all the teeth she was not surprised but said '' Gott, Ich hat doch gesag die unten zahne'' God I have said the under set." I would say they play practical jokes but I cant remember an exclusive German joke,.
The Dutch influence on our Afrikaans speaking community are much stronger than the German side although I believe at a stage in our history there were just as many Germans as Dutch in south Africa.

The Dutch have very strange surnames . you could say surnames with double meanings. It all started with the 80 years war with Spain. Before the occupation by Spain they call themselves by names like , Pieter Seun , (son of Peter) or Jan or what ever his fathers name was and some times they put job they are doing with it , as in my case Potgieter (pot moulder/maker)or the place they are staying and so on.

The Spaniards were not satisfied with that and force them to gave themselves surnames, as an action of protest they gave themselves the most weird surnames not knowing, that their offspring will keep that names for ever. It cost only a few Euro to change your surname in the Netherlands. There are state supported society that tries to learn the Dutch to swear less.

My brother once work for a Dutch builder who got cross at him and swear at him as follows " Ek hebt geen tijd jou nou te vloeken maar een duisend donders en tien duisend bliksems vir eers' (I have not time to scold you now but one thousand thunders and ten thousand thunderbolts to keep you busy.

Not humor, but it is close to April Fools Day

1 Apr 1918: Persons living in the vicinity of Pansy Hill were startled this morning by a rumor that a man had hanged himself on the Hill. Investigation proved the rumor to be correct. John Runkle, aged about 70 years, was found suspended by his neck from one of the trees and by the appearance of the body he had died peacefully. A raw hide throng about an inch wide was used. It was knotted and twisted with great deliberation with the largest knot directly back of the left ear of the victim. Mr. Runkle chose a tree in the rear of the Pansy Hill school house, about a half block from the road leading to the Water Works. Thought it April Joke: No one can state just at what hour Mr. Runkle hanged himself. Several workmen who have occasion to use this section of the hill or the road, passed there early this morning and saw the body hanging, but knowing that today is April 1st, the majority of them imagined it was some boys playing a joke on the unthinking passerby. About nine o'clock Elias Kreider discovered that it was a man hanging to the tree and he began spreading the report. In a short while the hillside was dotted with curious neighbors and Mr. Sholly, keeper of the pump house, identified the dead man as John Runkle.

Mr. Runkle had no permanent residence. He stayed with his son and daughters for several months at a time, and his most recent home was with his daughter, Amanda, wife of Stephen A. Erwin, of West Lebanon. Erwins now live in (illegible). When the body was found it looked most natural. There was no grim disfigurations of the features. The eyes and mouth were closed and an expression of peace marked the features. The body was fully clothed even to the collar and hat. One's first impression was that Mr. Runkle was standing at the tree instead of hanging by his neck. Made Repeated Threats: For a number of years Mr. Runkle lived a retired life. Persons who are well acquainted with him state that his financial condition was good and no reason for the rash act can be accounted for other than that he was queer at intervals and many times he spoke of taking his own life by hanging. About thirteen years ago his wife died, and since then Mr. Runkle seemed to wander about with no particular ambition or desire to do anything. Persons with whom he lived stated that it was necessary to watch him practically all the time for fear he would make good his threats of hanging. An Iron Worker: In his earlier life Mr. Runkle was employed at the local iron mills as a laborer. He had many friends throughout the city who are shocked to learn of his tragic end. He leave one son, George Runkel of West Lebanon; and three daughters, Sarah, Amanda, wife of Stephen Erwin, and Elizabeth, wife of Cyrus Gross. Coroner Investigates: Dr. John Light, the coroner, was notified about ten o'clock and sent his deputy to the scene. The body was (illegible) down and taken in charge by Undertaker Frank McGovern. It was viewed later by Coroner Light at the McGovern morgue, who issued a certificate of death by suicide. [Lebanon Daily News]

Dries...we've been to Holland and saw a lot of happy smiling people....we've also been to Germany a couple of times...nothing funny there....very serious people! Both places are beautiful.

***WOMEN ARE SO MUCH BETTER WITH MONEY THAN MEN***

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting,
he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"but in just a few years my father will die
and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card
..... three days later.....she became his stepmother!!!!!!!!!!!

...Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

"Precisely to the extent that a man is refined, he resembles, in gentleness of manners and being, a woman, such as one sees in all men of soul and feeling, and vice versa precisely to the extent that a woman deteriorates, she begins, in all kinds of bad habits and practice, resemble a man."

Thomas Thorild 1759 -1808

7 things you can't buy on geni
1. manners
2. morals
3. respect
4. character
5,. common sense
6. patience
7. a desent reseacher

This article was sent when I was county coordinator for Carroll county Indiana InGenWeb ( I also had 3 other counties by the time I departed) It was entitiled

"I am my own Grandpa"

He would marry again--- and again

The following article appeared in the Delphi (Ind.) Times, the issue dated May 19, 1893. The information was received from Phyllis Moore an avid historian/genealogist at Delphi.

In the early part of the winter of 1824 two young men clad in homespun suits of that date, with their mothers and sisters, made their appearance in Pulaski county (Ind.). Each selected a 150 acre tract of land lying on the banks of the Tippecanoe river near Winamac. They were James Meisley and Robert Wallace. Each erected a log cabin and each married other's sisters. In a year or two babes were born, but the wives died and the two widowers in time sought consolation by marrying their mothers-in-law. Two more babes were rocked in the cradle but the fathers were widowers again.

For the third time they bore the matrimonial yoke by marrying their mother-in-law's cousins. Again their family cares would increased, and two more little ones rolled over the hewed floors. Their wives died and the widowers married their mother-in-law's sisters, and in a year two bright little ones clasped their little hands, and again the widowers solaced each other in their grief.

Again they married, this time widows and a further increase was made to their families. Their wives died, and in the meantime their daughters by the first wives had grown up to womanhood and married and their daughters were blooming into the matrimonial market.

But Jim and Bob did not give up their matrimonial intentions and the married again. In 1888 James Meisley died and Wallace, once more a widower, married Meisley's second daughter, and one child was the result of the union. Wallace's wife died in 1892, and the courts are called upon to decide what is the relationship of the children of both families to each other. Mrs. Wallace says he believes if the right girl comes along he will marry again, although he is 96 years old

Since summer is coming I thought this was appropriate for the season
When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits
of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from
top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there youare," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an over sized
napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came
out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough
day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish
in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would
have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable,and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become
transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this
year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't
about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or
without a stylish bathing suit!

An old lady want to commit suicide because she cant find a bathing suit that fits. To make sure that nothing went wrong she visited the doctor and ask precisely where a persons heart sits. Just under your left breast he replied.

The next day she was taken up in hospital with a knee wound.

Another New Illness to watch out for: Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“So, what’s the matter?” he asks.
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“And what the hell is anal glaucoma?”
“I just can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

Judy, it would be interesting to see how Geni would list this family's relationship chain. (The relationship chain is one of the many things I love about Geni so I don't have to attempt to figure out how I am related to someone, because sometimes it is just tooooo confusing!!!)

Colleen, I had tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard when I got to the end of your story about the lady searching for a bathing suit!!! I plan to share that with my email "family"... it is just tooooo funny!!!!

Here is some food for thought for dealing with those stresses that sometimes seem to dominate our lives.

Stress Management!
This is absolutely wonderful!!!!

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully.. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15 * A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

Today someone asked me if I liked you. I laughed, and I said, "Ha! That's funny!! I absolutely LOVE that woman!! She's funny, caring, crazy as heck, sweet, beautiful, she's reading this email right now & I love her!!" Send this to ten people you love!! & I better be one!!!!

Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ~~ "Oh Crap, He/She’s up!"
Have a Great Day!!!

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Colleen, that is priceless!!!

Colleen, that is good, I smiled while my wife laughed out loud. More of them please

a Scottish woman win a lottery and want to spoil herself a bit . First she hired a butler named James, Then she remember that Cleopatra bath in milk to stay youthful.
James, please prepare a milk bath for me. ". Ordinary or pasteurize''. ? James asked Misunderstanding James, and with Scottish stinginess . She replied "No just pass my arse"

Two elderly ladies met at the Pearly gates.
WANDA: Hello Sylvia – what happened to you?
SYLVIA: Hello Wanda – It was an accident but I froze to death. I shivered for a while but eventually I just drifted off to sleep. It was very peaceful. And what happened to you?
WANDA; I knew my husband was having an affair so I came home early to catch him in the act. He was sitting in his chair in the library so I searched the house – I ran upstairs and downstairs and into the basement. I searched everywhere and got more agitated by the minute and had a massive heart attack and here I am.
SYLVIA: Well, if you had searched the freezer we would both still be alive.

Ladies - here is a link for you:
http://www.hrtwarming.com/they-never-expected-the-doctor-to-say-thi...

Here is the obit for Donald Alexander Malcolm, Jr.

Captain Donald Alexander Malcolm Jr., 60, died Feb. 28, 2015, nestled in the bosom of his family, while smoking, drinking whiskey and telling lies. He died from complications resulting from being stubborn, refusing to go to the doctor, and raising hell for six decades. Stomach cancer also played a minor role in his demise.
Don cherished family above all else, and was a beloved husband, father and grandfather. He met his future wife, Maureen (Moe) Belisle Malcolm, after months at sea, crab fishing. He found her in his bed and decided to keep her. Their daughter Melissa was born “early” six months later. They decided to have a boy a couple years later, and ended up with another daughter, Megan. He taught his girls how to hold their liquor, filet a fish and change a tire. He took pride in his daughters, but his greatest joy in life was the birth of his grandson Marley, a child to whom he could impart all of his wisdom that his daughters ignored.
After spending his formative years in Kirkland, Wash. with a fishing pole in hand, Don decided his life’s calling was to yell at deckhands on commercial fishing boats in Alaska. As a strapping young man of 19, he moved to Dutch Harbor to fulfill this dream. Over the next 40 years, Don was a boat cook, mechanic, deckhand, captain and boat owner. Although Don worked nearly every fishery in the Pacific Northwest at one time or another, his main hunting ground was the Bering Sea. He cut his teeth crabbing; kept his family fed by longlining halibut and black cod; then retired as a salmon gillnetter in Southeast Alaska.
Don had a life-time love affair with Patsy Cline, Rainier beer, iceberg lettuce salads and the History Channel (which allowed him to call his wife and daughters everyday in order to relay the latest WWII facts he learned). He excelled at attempting home improvement projects, outsmarting rabbits, annoying the women in his life and reading every book he could get his hands on. He thought everyone could, and should, live on a strict diet of salmon, canned peas and rice pilaf, and took extreme pride in the fact that he had a freezer stocked full of wild game and seafood. His life goal was to beat his wife at Scrabble, and although he never succeeded, his dream lives on in the family he left behind.
Don is survived not only by his wife, daughters and grandson, but by his father, Donald Malcolm Sr; brothers Howard and Mike Malcolm; sisters Lisa Shumaker, Nicki White, Melinda Borg and Patsi Solano.
He also has many nieces, nephews, aunts and cousins who love him dearly, and deckhands who knew him. He will be having an extended family reunion with his mother, Winifred Thorton; foster parents Marvel and Dutch Roth, brothers Larry and Steve Malcolm, sister Doodie Cake, and other assorted family and friends who died too young.

As you may know we South-Africans are Rugby mad.
We Afrikaans speaking lot have a fictional hero "Koos van der Merwe" Koos is typical' backfelder'" a bit uncultivated afraid of nothing clever, stupid , afraid of nothing , anything you want him to be , so we have a lot of Koos van der Merwe Jokes,
By chance Koos win a Test ticket for a Rugby match of South Africa against France (The Springboks against the Cocks) in Paris plus an air ticket and 5 days stay in a 5 star hotel in Paris.
He arrived there three days before the match and cruise the streets gaping in wonder at all the pretty women with that he walked over one of those big red taps where the fire wagons refill in emergencies hurting his
genitals badly.

He woke up in hospital and hear something like'' we should remove his testic?" Hearing that Koos starts to fight . He kicks , bites , spit ., scold clamping his hands over his shirt pocket. Seeing that he cant speak English and the French themselves a bit stubborn when it comes to English they call on the South African Embassy to come and help with the translation, luckily for Koos they sent a women of the world to translate.
"Koos don't be so stuborn , they just want to remove your Balls'
''But why then did they say TEST TICKETS"

Eldon, You write such nice deep things. I feel ashamed.

Martin Andreas Karl (Dries) Potgieter Thanks but I didn't write it. It was published in the newspaper in Alaska.

April Fools’ Humor
This April Fools’ Day, you may be worried about falling victim to practical jokes and gags, but why spend the whole holiday on guard? Relax, and crack a smile with this assortment of some of our funniest reader submissions:

• Funny Fluke: My dentistry patients are called and reminded the day before their scheduled appointments. During an office visit, one man was in an especially good humor and explained why. “My staff kids me about the high opinion I have of myself,” he said. “Yesterday your receptionist left a message that had them in stitches.” He related the memo his secretary had handed him: “Your crown is ready.” – Contributed by Michael M. Stryker

• Zip It! My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” Mom said, “is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.” After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, “Why does it have to be a secret?” – Contributed by Elizabeth C. Boulter

• …With Some Wit on the Side: Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in front of him — his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!” Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?” – Contributed by Bette Moeggenborg

• All Aboard! In the 22-story office building where I worked, rush hours meant crowds of people waiting a long time for the three passenger elevators. One evening my boss was one of the throng relegated to the freight elevator. When a fellow rider complained about having to take this mode of transportation, my boss replied philosophically, “Better freight than never!” – Contributed by Lamar P. Chustz

• Comic Calling: My younger brother, I explained to a friend, had quite a temper as a boy. Our parents had tried extra love, attention and patience on him, with little success. Then, in the middle of one of his tantrums, they simply handed him a shovel, pointed to the backyard and instructed him to go out and dig and not come back until he had control of his anger. “Apparently,” I said, “the therapy worked, because he’s turned out very nicely.” “What does he do for a living?” my friend asked. “He builds in-ground swimming pools.” – Contributed by Lesley Luth

• Sew in Stitches: Shortly after graduating from veterinary school, I rode with my mother in the Michigan Trail Riders’ annual trek across state. Late one afternoon, I was summoned to look at a horse that had reared up and flipped over in his trailer. Fortunately the horse was not seriously injured, but some lacerations needed stitching. As I worked, I heard my mother chatting with the perturbed owner. “Don’t worry, sir,” she said. “My daughter’s a great vet. She’ll fix your horse up just fine.” “That’s good to hear,” said the man. “How long has she been a vet?” “A week,” replied my mother, proudly. Then hastily she added, “But she’s been embroidering since she was eight years old.” – Contributed by Mary Ellen Linn

• Down Under Droll: While I was working at a delicatessen in Sydney, Australia, a woman overheard my accent and asked if I was American. “Lovely!” she exclaimed when I told her that I was. “I’ve been looking for one of your lot. My son is living in the States with his American wife, and she sent me a recipe that calls for half-and-half. Could you tell me, luv, half of wot and half of wot?” – Contributed by E. Beerheide

• Take a Number: Our chain of travel agencies was small but growing. As office manager, I often got complaints from staff members who deplored the demise of our family-oriented operation and the impending arrival of Big Brother. Then a computer memo from the home office informed us that we all had been assigned employee numbers. We were to use them instead of names in correspondence or telephone communication with the company. “This is the last straw!” said an exasperated worker. “We’ve finally been reduced to a number!” commented another. One employee, however, read on. Imagine our delight when she discovered, at the end of the memo, this message: “In our book, you’re all Number One. Happy April Fools’ Day!” – Contributed by Connie McGough

• Funny Farm: Our farm borders a main highway, and my husband and I wage a perpetual battle to keep our cows from heading for greener pastures across the road. One evening, as I slogged along the perimeter of our property looking for loose fencing, I saw a neighbor, also a farmer. His greeting sent me on my rounds with a lighter step. “I see,” he said, “you’re Secretary of DeFence tonight!” – Contributed by Eugenia Mathes

• Bank on a Blunder: As a bank teller, I was required to obtain identification from customers making withdrawals, even if I knew them. On Mrs. Brady’s third visit to my window in a week, she balked at my request for ID. “I can’t believe you don’t know me after all these years,” she said. A few minutes later, I was relieving the drive-up teller and was surprised to see Mrs. Brady in the next car. “Hi, Mrs. Brady,” I said, laughing. “Back again so soon?” “I’m glad you remember me,” she huffed, “because that girl inside never does!” – Contributed by Lynn Kelly

April fools day joke... Geni\myhertiage is being brought out by ancesty.com Mike Stangel's worst nightmare.

Four Catholic nuns in full habit were travelling from Johannesburg to Bloemfontein when their car run out of petrol. Luckily they have spare petrol with them but getting the petrol in the tank gave them some problems till one of them discover the emergency night pot in the boot .

They were starting to pour the petrol in to tank when a passing Reverend identifies the object and guessing at the contents of the pot in accordance to its normal use. Replied to himself " Those Catholics have faith I envy them"

Boomer Humor
Favorite golden oldie songs modified:

• Olivia Newton John -- Let's Get a Physical 

• Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
• Marvin Gaye and Tammy Terrell -- Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
• The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
• Chuck Berry -- Johnny B. Olde
• Little Eva -- The Lack O' Motion
• Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

• Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

• Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

• Willie Nelson -- To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before

• The Beatles -- A Hard Day's Nap

• Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

• Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

• Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the Grape Nuts
• Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

• Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

• The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
• Abba -- Denture Queen

• Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

• Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

• Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again