Genealogy Humor

...not to mention UP-sidaisy...or UP yours...or U.P.eesssss...or UPland, CA ...or UPity...or the h-UP-mobile.....or that Famous Racehorse "U P Freely"!!!

....I'm running down.......

Growing old is hard work. The mind says "yes" but the body says "What the hell were you thinking".

cheer up, make up, suck it up, jazz it up, pick up the tab, Turn it up, shape up or ship out, split up, slip up, turn up your nose, live it up, gas up the car, build up, back me up, bringing up the rear

Sweden got to p in up, upp, means the same.

It is amazing how often we use that two letter word and don't even think about it. I have sent the joke about UP around with the following ending:

If you haven't cracked UP by the end, your funny bone needs a check UP. Someone had far too much time to come UP with all of this!!!! You don't have to turn UP the volume for this one. When there is a higher price for something, the cost is UP. It is amazing how often we use the word UP, isn't it?????? Be aware and see how often you use the word UP tomorrow. I'll bet you crack UP when you become aware of your use of the word, because you will think of this email!!!! Don't forget to count the phrases that use UP (UP hill, UP yours, what's UP?, bouncing UP & down, what is he UP to?, etc) and the words that have UP as a prefix (UPward, UPbeat, UPgrade, UPdate, etc).

How UPlifting was this???????

I found these sites that uses UP in sentences: http://www.manythings.org/audio/sentences/51.html
http://www.wikihow.com/Use-up-in-Everyday-English

How many sentences, phrases or uses could you come UP with that have the word UP in it??? How about words that start with UP??? (Kids would be UP to the challenge of seeing how many they could come UP with, wouldn't they???)

Math Pill

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kinds of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

I thought UP more phrases: Up Up and away, upgrade, upstart, Up to no good, Its up to you, make up your mind, round up, Life's coming up roses, turn up the volume, mix it up

..."I hate to bring this...UP...but it is priceless...in this UPside down world!!!"

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

...Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a
razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

.....We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Good one Norm. i remember many of those things prior to the "green thing"!!! It really burns me UP that we are so wasteful today!!!

How about: What's UP?

I used to take the soda bottles in to the local market...5 cents for the big bottles and 3 cents for the small ones...then I would go to the used bookstore and get 3 comic books for a dime. They were wrapped in three's and without covers (returns to the mfg.)...I could see both sides but the middle one I had to take a chance on!
...believe me every kid took all the soda bottles to the market he could find....and got his money immediately from the checkers...

I agree an empty bottle comes in handy when you are broke. I was already married with two young ones in the same pram my wife and me goes for late evening stroll in park in front of our block of flats any bottle in sight was slip in with the young ones and exchanged at Greeks shop nearby.

I even know of a family of six in the 1960` that comes on holiday to Swakopmund in Namibia and pay for their whole holiday with empty bear bottles they picked up at the beach. (The Namibians are big bear drinkers)

Please don't cheat by looking at the answers first... I'm definitely in the Geezer category... Which group are you in???

Old Farts Exam

:

1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob

b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch

c. Next to the horn



2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing

c. Large salt shaker



3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.



4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack

b. Gin

c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II?
a. Suntan

b. Leg painting

c. Wearing slacks



6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker

b. Nash Metro

c. Tucker



7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter

b. Chocolate licorice bars

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside



8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust


9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot

c. Long pieces of twine



10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts

b. Ask Mom

c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo



11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox

b. AIDS

c. Polio



12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"


a. SUV

b. Taxi

c. Streetcar



13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue

b. Paint

c. Macaroni



14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek

b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores

c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring

b. Princess Sacajewea

c. Princess Moonshadow



16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure



17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos



18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs

b. Dames

c. Ammunition



19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots

b. The Supremes

c. The Esquires



20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett

b. Xavier Cugat

c. George Gershwin


--------------------------------------


ANSWERS


1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on


2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?


3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top


4. a) Blackjack Gum


5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil


6. a) 1946 Studebaker


7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water


8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut


9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck


10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo


11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease


12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni


14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill


15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet


16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high


17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store


18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free


19. a) The all male, all black group: The Ink Spots


20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today


----------------------------------------


SCORING


17- 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy


0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime


I'm at 18 of 20....definitely a GEEZER and I can NEVER find my glasses!!!

PAPER IS NOT DEAD......

https://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0

Norm, I solved the glasses problem by getting glasses that have flex bows (wouldn't have anything else!!!) then when I don't need the glasses I move them up to the top of my head... I have gotten so I only wear my reading glasses around the house for computer work & reading, then switch to bifocals for driving!!! Or you can get those chains that fit around your neck...

Yes there are some things for which paper is still best!!!

Thanks Pat...I hadn't thought about the flex...I'm going for cataract surgery soon & supposedly that will solve part of the problem.

FYI: we saw a movie years ago that claimed there was a fourth dimension that shared the space with us...every once in a while everything would freeze and these people would move among us and move our keys & glasses etc., around and then later move them back again ....just to screw with us! You swear you put your glasses on the end table...you look all over for them, you go back to the table for the 3rd time and there they are....well they weren't there 5 minutes ago???

Another solution if it is reading glasses you "loose"/misplace... buy extra sets and put one in each place that you would use them... by your favorite chair, by the computer, by the bed... , well those are the places I read or would use them, but you get the idea. The trick is to remember to take them off & leave them there when you leave!!!

As for the flex bows, I have them for my other glasses including sun glasses. Wouldn't have anything else!!! (as I said above.)

The above reminded me of this one... Ever have one of THOSE days??? The video at the end is just hilarious-- helps to picture this!!!

A.A.A.D.D.
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS... PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do…
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail......

Do me a favor, will you?
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember whom I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=navopFQ8tHI&NR=1

...a real ITALIAN BAMBINO...

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had just produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average backa home....like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW".... one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "He's a gooda Fifteen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised!!!!!!!!"

This isn't a joke. Attempt to put the jigsaw puzzle together. It took me a little longer than I THOUGHT it should, but I eventually got it together. And as it says there isn't a time limit, so work on it until you get it together... If you are unable to do so, you may want to check with your doctor to see if you have early Alzheimer's.

Moving Puzzle...
If you can put this puzzle together, you can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!
This is really clever and a bit challenging. As more people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.

It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease. Give it a try. If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.

Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together, you do not have to fear Alzheimer's! A really neat puzzle!! This is not a timed test so don’t give up if it takes longer than you think.

CLICK BELOW:

Moving Puzzle / Alzheimers

(Remember to send it on... Before you forget)

The site didn't come thru, so let's see if it does this time:

http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf

I did it in a minute, I guess I do not need to worry yet!

It was easy after I got the basic colors

I solved it in 30 seconds. No worries for me yet!

Glad to hear that none of you will be having that medical problem!!! Have worked in nursing homes where many of the residents had Alzheimer's disease and it is soooo sad when they are in that in between stage--they sometimes know they don't remember some things (even family) & progress to where they are unaware of forgetting things, even when told multiple times!!! It is sadder still for the families when the person finally forgets who their family members are!!! I feel so sorry for the family members, esp when their loved one doesn't recognize them!!!

Am I Really that Old???

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old, do I? WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

‘Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang’ he gleamed with pride.

‘When did you graduate?’ I asked.

He answered, ‘In 1975. Why do you ask?’

‘You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH???’

Ha ha, that one was funny. Reminded me of when I totally was wrong assuming that a neighbor woman had a visit from her son, it was her boyfriend! the same age as her... I Guess she must have had hard to swallow that one...

Patricia, I still may get Alzheimers or something similar, just not yet. My grandmother had an unspecified dementia and it was sad to witness her progression from knowing that she is forgetting to not knowing anyone at all.

Noelle...
My father had an unspecified dementia also for many years from his 60's till his 80's but it was very slowly progressing...he acted like a kid at times but back in the 1970's we just chalked it up to the "almost normal brain drain" of age. He could still function most of the time...you just can't tell...

DON'T BLAME ME FOR THIS I'M ONLY THE MESSENGER...
and NO ONE BETTER FORWARD THIS TO MY "Lovely Wife"...she hits really hard!!!
**********************************************

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today .
Husband : First make it, we will name it later !!!!!

---------------------

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting !!!!!

____________________

A married man's prayer...
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......
____________________

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him... and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers: "Because he's thinking of getting married"
____________________

Couldn't stop sharing this one...

Husband: I found Aladdin's lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh.. darling..love u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
____________________

Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home??

Boss: I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer!!!
____________________

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.

"Was the necklace FAKE?"

"Nooooo! That was the deal !!!"
____________________

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.

*****************************

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :

"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed..!!!"