Genealogy Humor

Both clips were tooooooooooo funny!!! I could watch Tim Conway all day and not get tired of his humor!

***** What the hell??? *****

A budding theology student in a chemistry class!
___________________________________

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

.....Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

A+++ ; )

A very touching ...AND FUNNY...speech made by the Father of the Bride to the Groom that shows this father's love for his daughter.

http://biggeekdad.com/2013/02/father-of-the-bride-speech/

Norm that is weird . I am still waiting for my DNA results to see if I am Jewish or not. What ever the results. No cutting of my fore skin or Bar mitzvah. It seems that I have some Cohen genes. What ever the case I am going to keep all that I was born with. The parts has served me well over the years.
You know Paul Kruger (our Boer Idol as in Anglo/ boer war.} Give double plots in Pretoria to all the church nominations except the Jewish Congregation who only got one plot. The rabbi`s confronting him with this discrimination was confronted with the argument that they only believe in one part of the bible. That is 1 for quick thinking.. Another thing about our Boers is that we give our children Jewish names.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things… 12

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Capital of America
Two kindergarten kids are talking while having a lunch break.
Girl: What is the capital of America?
Boy: Washington D. C.
Girl: No! "A" is the capital of America. You already forgot our lesson: capitalize proper nouns!

Little Brother?
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said. 


"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" 


"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Meal Prayer
My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen." 


One evening, however, he offered thanks for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. 


I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart. 


But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer, my food is still too hot!"

Math Review
A Mom was helping her son review his math while her daughter was in the kitchen. 


"You have seven dollars and seven friends," she said. "You give a dollar to two of them but none to the others. What do you have left?" 


From the kitchen her daughter called, "Two friends."

Math Homework
Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced. "You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"

The Message
Mother to four-year-old: "How did you get that big bruise on your leg?" 


"It's not a bruise, Mommy. It's a message." 


"How did it happen?" 


"Well, I was jumping on the couch even though you told me not to, and I fell off and hit the table. That's when I finally got the message."

The Great George Carlin...& duh injins!!!

http://biggeekdad.com/2015/04/indian-staff-sergeant/

25 Signs That You're An Old Fart

1. Your houseplants are alive, but you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6 You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald 's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"



Bonus: 


26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt, then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it too.

Thank you for the George Carlin! I grew up with him. I remember my father playing a George Carlin album (the actual vinyl kind) that included the 'list of bad words' for my cousins and I. We laughed soooooo much!! He was a very wise man that we lost too soon.

Today I really need your input and advice . My dentures (we call it false teeth) which I have for twelve years break. The upper pair I actually never wear because they irritated my gums, never mind how much scratching I did with my pocket knife. Over time they get lost that's not to worry because I have a long upper lip and it covers the spaces where there should have been teeth completely. Any way for six years nobody had remarked about that so I took it that they haven't notice it.

Now with the lower set it is a Problem , There are two maulers (teeth at the back of my mouth) gone that doesn't worry me much. But now my four front teeth are gone and there is a big gap and I speak with a lisp. A dentist had previously , about six years back mended the teeth but now he tell me it cant be mended and I have to go for a new pair. Tha t also is not a problem. You see we are not a socialistic country and the government doesn't supply you with any thing , what you want you have to pay for. I am on a medical scheme for about sixty years but they have watered the down the benefits and I now only qualify for plastic teeth or has to pay a considerable amount for the real thing The owner of the nearby CHINA SHOP OF WHICH HERE ARE PLENT assured me that they are within the following month or so going to bring out an '' ONE SIZE FITS ALL. . I IN

the meantime use my grand child's Dracula teeth to hide my shame.
I have tried to fix the teeth with "WONDER GUM' it kept for one day and again with PRATLEY PUTTY' the quickset kind. It kept for three minutes.

Now considering my life Expectancy what shall I do;
1. Stay as I am
2. wait for the One size fits all from China
3 Use the medical benefits and pay In the shrotage of a few Nam $1000
4 Try to get another pair from somebody.
5 keep on pretending that I am Dracula

There are one other option . I have read some where or was it just cold war stories that Abraham Lincoln, had him made a pair of cement/Concrete dentures. You Americans Is that true. If so please send me the recipe and instructions

This is a growing problem also in Sweden, nearly half a million of the people here are without a real work, thus having a very low income, and 2 million are living on pensions that are for the vast majority of them very low, making it hard for many to get a decent teeth care. Nowadays more and more people are seen at an increasingly younger age going around with bad teeth in spite of the fact that Sweden is a semi socialistic country. Some have found out that the care is cheaper in Poland and Ukraine, plus some other Baltic countries and had their teeth fixed abroad, others are to poor for such solutions and have to live on without proper care. The rich have been getting richer, and the poor poorer,
the result of this development is clearly visible in peoples mouths,
just as it was a hundred years ago...

I Owe My Mother

**************************************

1.. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why." ;

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident..."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8... My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS ..
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER..
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16... My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.."

17.. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE....
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19.. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE ... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!

"Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional."

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, a jug of "Crown" in one hand, a case of "24" in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
"WOO HOO what a ride!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was a good one Colleen and sadly yes, I have in fact heard them all uttered by my parents at different occasions. Some of them I have thought of still upon to day, like " 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident..." "

A severe accident could mess up your underwear so much that it would be impossible to determent if the undergarment were clean before the incident, how do you really avoid that if you couldn't even avoid the accident? Parents act and says inconsistently things no matter where you live.

Colleen, those are priceless!!! I can remember hearing some of them. Because I don't have any children, I can honestly say I never used any of them! However, I may have used a few (ie #4) when babysitting.

Colleen, as I was thinking about the Lessons I learned from my mom, I came up with at least one that isn't included above. My mom always made us try a new food/dish, at least one or two bites, even if we didn't THINK we would like it based on appearance or smell or name or ingredients (1 or more)... "Try it, you might like it..." This stood me in good stead when I was stationed in Taiwan as a Navy Nurse and we had hale & farewell dinners for the Navy nurses with the Chinese nurses who worked with us ordering the food -- I learned to try a food before asking what it was or what was in it!!! Soooo- She taught me to be a CONNOISSEUR OF FOOD with "Try it, you might like it." This still works when eating at someone else's home... have enjoyed many dishes I wasn't sure I was going to like!!! If unsure, I would take a small (very small) serving and did find that my thought was right on occasion, so only had to eat a couple of bites of it!!! If I liked it I could always take more.

It also took me a long time to learn that I didn't have to belong to the "Clean Plate Club". Now I take about 1/2 of my dinner home when my girlfriend & I go out to eat so I am not miserably full. Will take even more home if we get a dessert with the meal! This is a blessing in 2 ways-- I get 2 meals (at least) for the price of one AND I leave the restaurant comfortable instead of being miserably full!!!

Ulf, you are right about the clean undergarments... It is a good idea to go to the bathroom before going out--decreases the potential for having a mess in your underwear should you be in an accident.

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Colleen....I can't help it but that story just reminds me of one of the most famous movie quotes of all time...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdIXrF34Bz0

Jack Nicholson in 5 Easy Pieces...

Truths for Mature Humans...

Universal Truths For Those of a Certain Age

People of a certain age develop certain concepts on life during moments when we reflect on what we know. Below are a few of those universal truths that all adults will recognize.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. Definitely!

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to!

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. YES!!!!

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand then take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

26. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

29. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

30. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my butt everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

32. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important . . . Ladies. . . quit Laughing!

Pat that was waaaay too true...
I forwarded it to a friend and here was his answer:

Norm
after reading your last email I suddenly realized that one of the most important if not the ultimate fact was not present.
To stop time you only need to plan a vacation in the near future.
Until that day arrives time will slow down, until the day prior when it comes to a complete stop. If you need proof.... plan a vacation...
Bob

This is for Animal Lover's only...

...can't get the sound on, but this is when the s--- hits the fan...

http://i.imgur.com/wmlCPQn.gifv

Here is another one for animal lovers... I prefer cats & have one at present.

Where Pets Came From
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much You love us.’

And God said, ‘I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will love Me even when you cannot see Me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and will call him DOG.’

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, ‘I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

I Was Thinking…

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people just didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve, cause I got lots of them.
*****
Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life,
And remember all the good times,
And live them again, in your mind.

*******************LIVING WILL FORM************************

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should
my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers, doctors, hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Martini
______a Margarita
______a Scotch and soda
______a Bloody Mary
______a Gin and Tonic
______a Glass of Chardonnay
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______ The remote control
______ a bowl of ice cream
(or a Cappuccino /Heath bar Blizzard from DQ)
______The sports page
______Sex
______or Chocolate.

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to
raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________ Date: __________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on to me!

"The Great Houdini...Honey Badger "

https://www.youtube.com/embed/c36UNSoJenI?rel=0

Why not just set him free?

Top 10 Indicators that You've Become a Gene-aholic:

10. You introduce your daughter as your descendent.
9. You've never met any of the people you send e-mails to, even though you're related.
8. You can recite your lineage back eight generations, but can't remember your nephew's name.
7. You have more photographs of dead people than living ones.
6. You've taken a tape recorder and/or notebook to a family reunion.
5. You've not only read the latest GEDCOM standard, but you also understand it.
4. The local genealogy society borrows books from you.
3. The only film you've seen in the last year was the 1880 census index.
2. More than 1/2 of your book collection is made up of marriage records or pedigrees.
1. Your elusive ancestor has been spotted in more different places than Elvis!

"Top Ten Ways To Tell You're a Genealogist"

10 You talk about towns no one has ever heard of.
9 You take a trip to Salt Lake City in winter and don't ski.
8 You read EVERY Roots-L Posting.
7 You never leave home without $4 in quarters.
6 You call ATM's "stamp machines".
5 You've memorized the counties, their seats, and their addresses for three states.
4 You KNOW that people who have been dead for 200 years are laughing at you.
3 You visit cemeteries carrying food and cosmetics.
2 You check out office supply stores "just looking".
1 You've changed computer programs three times this year

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

***************** "lie detector robot" ****************

A father buys a "lie detector robot" that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to test it out at dinner.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs & says, "Well, he certainly is your son........"

.......The robot slaps the mother!!!!!

Robot for sale.

Lot

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read... "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city and never look back. But his wife did look back and so was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"