Genealogy Humor

Stumbled upon this some days ago Noelle,

As censors involved Oelrich anyway in a perhaps decisive way to the rapid development towards 1766 years of and even the internationally significant press freedom regulation.

The result, of course? He became depicted as an caricature for posterity!

Niklas von Oelreich

Just read my previous input about being related to other participants. YOU WONT BELIEVE it Niklas von Oelreich is my 15 th Cousin 8 times removed. Not the Chinese the other one

Yes it is incredible, but not unlikely because you're among the top ten when it comes to high density in the family tree Dries!

Dries Potgieter b1c8d1e5f9g7h4i9 is Ulf Ingvar Göte Martinsson's 21st cousin thrice removed!

http://www.geni.com/path/Ulf-Martinsson+is+related+to+Dries-Potgiet...

My both parents are related to Dries.

Dries Potgieter b1c8d1e5f9g7h4i9 is Ivan Göte* Martinsson's 20th cousin four times removed!

http://www.geni.com/path/Ivan-G%C3%B6te-Martinsson+is+related+to+Dr...

Dries Potgieter b1c8d1e5f9g7h4i9 is Linnéa Marianne* Iréne Martinsson's 19th cousin twice removed!

http://www.geni.com/path/Linn%C3%A9a-Marianne-Ir%C3%A9ne-Martinsson...

I created a project for us to add our pictures and profiles called Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion.. Here is the link:

*[http://www.geni.com/projects/Picture-Board-for-Genealogy-Humor-Disc... Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussions]

Please add your profiles, cartoons, pictures, to this project. I am writing some instructions for how to add pictures to a project and will post a link here when I am finished writing the instructions.

Some cousin, sheep thief could maybe fit in the project?

Kerstin Arvidsdotter, fårtjuv

Add any black sheep cousins to the project that you want!

Ulf, I know I am misusing this Precious space for other things than humor.
It is the last time I am doing this. Thanks for the family line you sent me and the profile photo .We look much a like. Even my wife say so.

the world of Euphemisms....George Carlin......XXXX a little bit....

https://www.youtube.com/embed/vuEQixrBKCc

@Noelle Ochotmy, how do we add pix/cartoons to the Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion??? I have accumulate over 180 pix that I would like to eventually add to that discussion as well as collect more from there. I have often bemoaned the fact that I am unable to share a humorous genealogy related pix/cartoon, so thank you for starting that discussion/project. Is there a way to connect these two discussions??? I do see it listed under "Related Projects". Do we mention here when we have added something there???

Just so you know, Martin Andreas Karl (Dries) Potgieter is my 18th cousin thrice removed.

Niklas von Oelreich is my 13th cousin 12 times removed.

Norm Galston I laughed so hard at the George Carlin skit on Euphemisms that I almost had a "mess" to clean up!!! I changed Sr Citizens to "Oldsters"-- after all we have youngsters. I'm not sure if oldsters is any better than senior citizens or not. What do you all think??? Which would you prefer to be called (esp. if you are in or approaching that age group)???

ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??

ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'


'That's right.'


So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Unbelievable but sadly true... must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)


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TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'


I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'


She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
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THREE


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)
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FOUR


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'


'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk…’

(PLEASE just lie down before you hurt yourself!)
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FIVE


Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier,' the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. (Brunette, by the way!!!)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SIX


A very worried mother calls 911 asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room because the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, when the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer....'


Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!

Heeey Pat...I'm already a "Senior Citizen" (although inside I stopped at 27) .....it's 6 of 1...."Oldsters" is a little "SOFTER"...I guess....I'm glad you liked it...Ole George really had a way with words didn't he?

My friend Piet and his wife Nora lives on a farm. Very friendly people and they always let you feel welcome. They have been married for twenty years and it seems that they never had disagreements.
They are planters and not stock farmers but have a Jersey cow that the workers had to milk every day. Sundays there are usually a misunderstanding, about the milking of the cow. The workers are either drunk or have not returned from their visits over night and then Piet had to stand in for the milking.
This specific Sunday I visited them and found Piet outside a very worried man. I went inside to greet Nora with Piet remaining half outside the door. The atmosphere was so thick you can cut it with a knife or better cut it with an axe.
Piet and me walked outside and after a while I asked him what is going on between you two. Piet tell me that it is difficult to explain actually an embarrassment but he will tell me , maybe I speak some sense in to Nora`s head..
You know that damn Jersey cow, there were no worker in sight this morning and I have to do the milking. She was so obstinate as never before and I have to drive her with sticks and stones into the barn. In the barn she being unused to me wont standstill so I have fasten her two hind legs just above the bend in her leg and pull the two legs together and at the same time put her tail between the ropes otherwise she keep on slapping you in the face with it. After the third time I couldn't stand it any more, I get a small empty drum put it behind her climb on it grab the tail to fasten it at one of the barn beams . I couldn't get hold of another rope so I took of my belt to fasten it. My pants drop down and just at that moment Nora walked into the Barn.
The next time I visited them there were peace again.
The Jersey has been sold at a tremdous lost to get rid of her.

A Student wrote her father a letter asking for money to buy a bicycle because she to attend classes at different buildings.
He sent her the money but on her way to the bicycle shop she passes a pet shop and saw there a lovely monkey. So she leave the bicycle and buy the monkey not telling her father.
After a few months her father receives a telegram "Monkeys hair is falling out what to do.'
He replied back " Sell bicycle immediately"

Since today is Mother's Day, I would like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who follow this discussion & to the men who have a wife and mother (still living) please pass this on to them. It is one of my favorite stories and one I usually share at this time of the year. I hope it will become of favorite of yours also. (Erma Bombeck had such a unique sense of humor.)

A SPECIAL FORMULA FOR CREATING MOTHERS
Erma Bombeck

When the Good Lord was creating Mothers, He was into His sixth day of “overtime” when the Angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”

And the Lord said, “Have you read the specs on this order?”
“She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
Have 180 movable parts—all replaceable,
Run on black coffee and left-overs,
Have a lap that disappears when she stands up,
A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair,
And six pairs of hands.”

The Angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands—no way.”

“It’s not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have.”

“That’s on the standard model?” asked the Angel.

The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks ‘What are you kids doing in there?’ When she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when he goofs and says, ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”

“Lord,” said the Angel touching His sleeve gently, “Come to bed. Tomorrow.”

“I can’t,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick—can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger—and can get a 9-year-old to stand under a shower.”

The Angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.

“But tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this Mother can endure or do.”

“Can it think?”

“Not only think, but it can reason and compromise.” Said the Creator.

Finally the Angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You, You were trying to put too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?”

“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride.”

“You are a genius,” said the Angel.

The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there.”

Patricia, My wife like this one very much.

I didn't show her mine. I would have gotten a slap for being dirty mouthed.

"M" is for...

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

My late brother was a bachelor and he had a friend Jurie , who I thought was also a bachelor, they were both in their late seventy's, I one day asked Jurie if he ever had a girlfriend. It then come to light that he was married for ONE year in his early twenty's. But he simultaneously exclaimed it don't want to speak about that. That was the worst year of my life and still after this sixty years I don't want to think about it. Having one living with you who rule your whole life is the worst thing that can happen to you. It start,s in the morning with. Wake up , shave and bath, come and eat your breakfast, go brush your teeth, take your lunch box and hurry you will be late for work, when you come back look for the mail. In the afternoons why are you late have you been drinking with your friends, where is the mail, rub off your shoes you will bring in dirt wash your hands , hurry up with your drink we have to eat. please help with the washing up. We have to go to bed other wise you will be tiered to morrow. Wash your feet and hands and bruh your teeth, Say your prayers, Kiss me goodnight.

Now the same things are more or less happening in my house and I mistakenly thought that was part of care and love. If I had heard Jurie`s story years back maybe this marriage of 53 years would have only lasts for a year.

Are you all familiar with the Uncle John's Bathroom Reader??? They are interesting books with all kind of info and humor!!! This is from the volume printed in 2006. Hope you find this as fascinating as I did. I will probably be putting some of my findings from it here as I found a bunch of stuff quite interesting and funny. Hope you don't end as these people did. Have a great day.

Died on the John
From: Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader, 2006
Here are some people who took their last breaths in the bathroom.

• In 1016, 27-rear-old King Edmund II of England was murdered in the bathroom. An assassin hid behind the primitive toilet and, as Edmund sat, the murderer stepped out and quickly shoved his sword twice “into the king’s bowels.”

•Another English monarch, King George II, died on the toilet in 1760 at the age of 77. He woke up at six that morning, drank some chocolate, and an hour later went to the bathroom, where he died of a ruptured aorta.

• Evelyn Waugh, one of the greatest English novelists of the 20th century (Brideshead Revisited, The Loved One) had just returned home from Easter Mass. In recent years the 62-year-old had put on a lot of weight. He also drank a lot, smoked cigars, and rarely exercised. He died “straining at stool” in the bathroom, April 10, 1966.

• Perhaps the most famous death-by-toilet is Elvis Presley’s. A combination of weight gain and too many prescription drugs gave the 42-year-old singer a heart attack while he was “takin’ care of business.” (At the time of his death he was reading a book entitled The Scientific Search for the Face of Jesus.)

• Movie producer Don Simpson (Top Gun, Flashdance) died in 1996. While rumors persisted that he died of a cocaine overdose, the truth was more humble and embarrassing: He died of a heart attack while going to the bathroom.

• It’s commonly believed that Catherine the Great of Russia died after being “crushed” by a horse. True? Na-a-a-a-a-y. On that fateful day in 1796, she suffered a stroke while sitting on the toilet but died in her bed several hours later.

"Nominated for... E-MAIL OF THE YEAR"

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
"You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

"You want me to do all this...
..... and then you tell me I CAN'T PRAY???"

I hope you all will check out the Project for Genealogy related pix @ http://www.geni.com/projects/Picture-Board-for-Genealogy-Humor-Disc... I have added a few pix to it and I hope you will also. (Or click on the tag for: Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion up above.

In case you don't know how to add to it, It is easy to add pix/cartoons-- click on Pictures/Documents then drop the pix into the gray space on the next screen.

Norm, we sure do expect a lot from our teachers!!! and don't give enough credit for what they DO accomplish!

I received this in an email & thought I would share it here. It is really interesting.

This is not a Joke but perhaps comes under the "Too Funny to be True" Category: A Jewish Cemetery sits in the parking lot of the Detroit/Hamtramck Auto Plant and is only open to the public twice a year for a total of eight hours: 10 – 2 a.m. on the Sundays before Rosh Hashanah and Passover.

http://nighttraintodetroit.com/2011/09/30/beth-olem-the-cemetery-in...

Love the teacher post, Norm. Having lived with a teacher for 51 years I understand a few of the frustrations they have to put up with.

Little later for mother's day - but my son sent me this video for Mother's day. World's Toughest Job - #worldstoughestjob - Official Video

Here is the site for the above Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB3xM93rXbY

It was an awesome video... Thanks Colleen

Ulf, thanks for the comment on the pix of toes... (If interested, go to the project for Genealogy Humor Discussion Pix & ck out the toes image...)

Hm, one year to next mothers day, yes I'm always late,
so I found something connected with mothers, kids.

Your Grandfather with an apple 150 years ago, really had an apple.
https://iamachild.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/boy-with-apple.jpg

Your grandmother to.
https://iamachild.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/an-apple-today.jpg

When you find one painting of your ancestor and wish you hadn't.
https://iamachild.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/gerard-andriesz-bicke...

Yes, your grandmothers mother also pushed a shopping cart at the market
https://iamachild.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/nieuwmarkt-in-amsterd...

In the Disney version, she's the Kings daughter...here is the farmers.
https://iamachild.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/e-j-g-bouguereau-the-...

This one I read from the right to the left

Boy with gun, Sorry mum, It was an accident,
Mom, I'm gonna kill you!
Man with gun, Now when you're single...
Mother to fallen son, Oh noo, who is now gonna take care of me?
Father in the middle, Now I'm finally going to get a divorce.
Mother in law bending, He wasn't much of support as I always said.
Man with table, I guess he don't need this anymore.
Little boy with cash box slowing backing out of picture, I will get help!
https://iamachild.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/le-cinque-giornate-di...

Remember the Critical Life Lessons Your Mother Taught You

• Logic: "Because I said so, that's why!"

• Stamina: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"

• Envy: "There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

• Hypocrisy: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!"

• Irony: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"

• Weather: "It looks like a tornado went through your room!"

• Behavior Modification: "Stop acting like your father!"

• Physics: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

• Contortionism: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"

• Science of Osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

• Foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident!"
• Time Travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!"

• Religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"

• A Job Well Done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!"

• The Circle of Life: "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"

Mother’s Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 



'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 
'It's not polite.' 



'OK', the little girl says, 
'How much do you weigh?' 



'Now really,' the mother

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.



'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. 
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' 



Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'



The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?’ 



’I also know that you weigh says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' 



Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 



'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 

130 pounds.' 



The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 



'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 



'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'






'Because you got an F in sex.'

If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours.