Genealogy Humor

Point 37. That's what happens constantly with me .

Pattricia - this is for you in your nursing capacity.

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Colleen,
Nursing pay-back can be interesting... (I wouldn't have thought of this, but it is funny!!! I will have to share it with my nurse friends. I know they will get a chuckle from it also!!!) Here is another nurses pay-back story:

Never Anger Your Nurse

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Paticia - .loved it. It is coming to our 55th reunion this fall for much laughter.

KIDS REACT TO......a TYPEWRITER...????

https://www.youtube.com/embed/vfxRfkZdiAQ?feature=player_embedded

Oh, yes, I remember the typewriter, carbon paper and erasures/ whiteout!!! I can't use my keyboard w/o my fingers being in the right place!!! I am beyond the hunt & peck... and It would take me forever if I had to rely on using only my thumbs... (Guess I am stuck in the 20th century, reluctantly pushing the 21st!) If I had to go back to the typewriter I would have problems as I would miss backspacing to correct a mistake or the spell checker's underlining to alert me to spelling mistakes; and I love the highlighting to copy/cut/paste in computers as well as the auto returns at the end of a line. I feel sorry that the kids of today don't have the experience of using typewriters. They might realize & appreciate the technological advances we have made!

Here is another example of pay-back for bad behavior! Way to go!!!
Pat

Missed Connection

My friend's flight from Boston to New York City was delayed, so she missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other passengers in line at the ticket counter, each hoping to book seats on the next flight to that destination. 



All the travelers waited patiently except for one man, who treated the agent very rudely. "I had an aisle seat reserved, and I better get an aisle seat when we get on another plane," he demanded. A few minutes later everyone was relieved when they learned that there would be room for all. 



"And, sir," the ticket agent said, turning to the obnoxious man, "I am happy to tell you that you will have an aisle seat." Still muttering, he picked up his carry-on and left for the gate. "And I'm also happy to announce," the agent continued, "that the rest of you will be seated in first class."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be aware, this one is a little naughty, but I know you are going to laugh when you get to the end!

MY PRIVATE PART DIED



An old man, Mr. Austin, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. 


Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Austin, 
'my Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
 


Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, 
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Austin. Please accept my condolences.'
 


The following day, Mr. Austin was walking down the hall with his Private Part
 hanging out of his pajamas. 
 He met Nurse Tracy.

'Mr. Austin,' she said, 
'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. 
 Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
 


'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Austin. 
 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
 


(You've gotta love this...) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
 
 


IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

I seem to be the only one to be adding pix to the Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion Project. I have added how to add pix to it, just in case you may not know how to do so... I hope others will start adding some pix to it also. I did add a few more today...

Hugs & laughs,
Pat

Surnames for Sale

Surnames that I have in my ancestral line,
Four hundred now listed and all of them mine.
Are often most common like Jones or like Smith,
Like Johnson or Barber that we can live with;

But then there are others that lift, I suppose;
I've a Bliss and a Jasper, a Heaven and Rose.
And then there are some that just hit 'tween the eyes
And give you a shock, or a laugh, of surprise.

For years I have had one with name of John Death.
When I first had found him it near took my breath,
But then I thanked goodness I found not such often;
Then this week - believe it! - discovered Beth Coffin!

My wife I have teased about her pedigree,
That listed some queer ones as on my own tree,
For she has a Webb and a Cobb in her line.
Cobwebs in your ancestry surely is fine!

They say of our forebears we ought to be proud,
And not be supposing we're born 'neath a cloud,
But some of our names that we find make us wail
And tempted to offer some surnames for sale.

--Ora Barlow

I hope you all will check out the Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion Project as I have added more pix. I will be adding cartoons by Wendell Washer, with his permission--Gene Toons. I hope you chuckle as you look at them as I have. Some more than others really express the frustrations that genealogists often experience.

To get to the Project easiest, just click on it above under "Related Projects" and once there, click on "View all". Then you can click on the individual ones to enlarge them as it is difficult to read them in the smaller version... Sorry to those who know how to get around there, but this is for those who may be new to Geni and may not know... I also added directions there on how to add pix to the Project, again for those who may not be familiar with the process...

Dust off your funny bone as there are some good pix in the project. I hope others will be adding pix there also.
Hugs,
Pat

@Patricia - I tried to add a cartoon but it ended up just showing up as a news feed. Obviously I have trouble following instructions.

Private Andrea Day (Roy) did I miss a step in the direction I posted in the Project???
1) Go to box to Rt of Smily face & click on Photos & Documents
2) Click on "Add Photo"
3) Select one of your albums that they will also go into (I entitled mine: Geni Humor Project Pix" or something similar)
4) Select & drop your pix into the gray box where indicated.
5) I always go back to main screen & click on "view all" so I can check to see that the pix(s) are there...

See if this works for you...
Pat

***************What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?******************

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in an Ace Hardware."

I found this online & even though it is quite long, since Father's Day is rapidly approaching I thought you might enjoy one lady's tribute to her Father. I hope it might remind you of your own father (or father figure.) (I don't know if the author is in Geni or not...)

Daddy's Hands

Visions of my daddy's hands linger in my mind.
His hands were wrought with hard work and daily struggles;
But were diverse in their ability and use.
They are sorely missed by many, but especially his first born, me.

As a child, his hands...
Caressed his mother's for a loving touch;
Crawled on the wooden floors of home;
Played in the dirt of the North Carolina mountains;
Closely held things that pleased him;
Pushed away things he didn't like;
Attempted to touch things that could hurt;
Wiped away tears that came from fear or pain;
Proudly carried a tin lunch pail to school;
Firmly held a pencil to practice his ABC's and arithmetic;
Wrote with chalk on a well-worn blackboard of slate;
Turned the pages of his textbooks;
Combed his red and curly hair;
Washed his fair and freckled face;
Buttoned up his shirt;
Snapped up his overalls;
Drew up his socks;
Laced, with pride, his newly half-soled shoes;
Pulled a warm quilt up to his chin in Winter;
Hid green bean shells under his plate;
Peeled and pared an apple with his pocket knife;
Delighted in playing in the cold water of a mountain stream;
Eagerly held biscuits laden with butter and honey;
Peeled the skin of his Christmas orange;
Happened to be the eldest male hands of his parents' children;
Were required, after 4th grade, to leave childhood behind;
Assumed tasks of a grown man.

As a man, his hands...
Used many a hammer and many more nails;
Learned, from his father, to measure a tree for it's board feet;
Tossed feed to the farm animals;
Cleaned the stalls of horses and cattle;
Opened and closed many a gate;
Controlled a plow behind a cantankerous mule;
Knew well a hoe, a shovel, a saw and an ax;
Signed up to join the U. S. Navy during WWII;
Held the hands of the one he would marry;
Placed, at age 21, a ring on the finger of his new bride;
Labored long and hard at whatever task was set before him;
Adeptly drove cars and trucks of many makes and models;
Bled, when working in the frigid winter air;
Played silly tricks on friends and family;
Gingerly removed eggs from the chicken's nest;
Found no job too menial or too difficult;
Made gestures when telling a tall tale;

Placed fence posts in smelly liquid tar;
Held the pitchfork that chased away an angry bull;
Carried groceries over a mile in deep snow;
Changed tires on cars and trucks;
Placed many a cashew in his mouth;
"Attempted" to play a fiddle when we were snowed in;
Smelled of sawdust and tobacco;
Pumped gasoline into the tractor;
Loosened his "bothersome" necktie;
Turned potatoes, frying in an iron skillet, over an open campfire;
Carried Christmas trees laden with snow into the basement to thaw;
Repaired many things that were broken;
Applied paint or paper to a needy wall;
Figured, on any paper available, ways to get ahead;
Paid for many tracts of land and homes;
Knew, by touch, whether a steak was medium or medium-well done;
Placed money in the bank for rainy days;
Emanated confidence with those that shook his hand.

As a father, his hands...
Proudly held his first born daughter, me;
Lifted me up to touch the ceiling in the kitchen;
Securely held me while bouncing me on his knee;
Held me gently, as I slept in his lap, as he plowed;
Controlling the Ford tractor all the while;
Spanked really hard when discipline was needed;
Picked me up and carried me everywhere he went;
Lovingly made a swing on the crossbar of the clothesline;
Thoughtfully spoiled me with candy, 5 cent Cokes and ice cream;
Pitched a baseball in the back yard;
Bought a bicycle, a sled, and then my first car;
Paid for tires when I was too proud to ask for help;
Slipped money in my pocket while whispering not to tell;
Eagerly became the hands of a loving grandfather;
Tenderly held his first granddaughter, then, his first grandson;
Never knew the touch of his second grandson,
Flipped open his wallet to show off the pictures of his grandchildren.

At the end of his days, Daddy's hands were...
Held in my hands, in a loving caress;
Frail and weak, mere phantoms of what they once were;
Conveying his great love for me, his first-born child;
Needing my touch as much as I needed his;
Lingering with that last precious touch in life;
Waving good-bye for the very last time;
Praying to be reunited again in heaven above.

If you can hear me, "I love you Daddy." This is just for you from me.

By Wanda Harrell Stalnaker
September 23, 1997
In tribute to Billie Harrell, 25 Jan 1926 - 22 Sep 1977

Oh, my....I am new to this site and discovered and LOVE this thread! I can't stop laughing! So glad I am not alone!

Deb Welcome to this discussion. Contributions & comments are appreciated. I hope you will also ck out the Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion Project and add any cartoons or pix that are genealogy related to that site.

Pat

This one has been around before, but I don't remember if I put it here last year or not... Even if you have seen it before, it is a good re-read. I really enjoy Erma Bombeck's unique sense of humor!!!

How Fathers Were Created
By Erma Bombeck

When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high? He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping. And God smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?" 



And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove splinters caused by baseball bats." And God smiled and said, "I know, but they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face." 



And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?" And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a sleepy head on the way home from the circus." 



God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?" And God smiled and said, "They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill." 



God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm, authoritative voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?" 



The angel said nothing more. 


What Are Fathers Made of?
By Paul Harvey

A Father is a thing that is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic.

A Father is a thing that growls when it feels good and laughs loud when it is scared half to death.

A Father is sometimes accused of giving too much time to his business when the little ones are growing up.

A Father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in his child’s eyes.

He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks he is and never quite the man his son believes him to be. This worries him sometimes, so he works too hard to try and smooth out the rough places in the road for his son who will follow him.

A father is a thing that gets very angry when school grades aren’t as good as he thinks they should be. He scolds his son although he knows it’s the teacher’s fault.

Fathers grow old faster than other people.

While mothers can cry where it shows, fathers have to stand there and beam outside – and die inside. Fathers have very stout hearts, so they have to be broken sometimes or no one would know what is inside.

Fathers give daughters away to other men who aren’t nearly good enough so they can have grandchildren that are smarter than anybody’s.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena, which is sometimes called an office or a workshop… where they tackle the dragon with three heads—weariness, work, and monotony.

They are knights in shining armor.

Fathers make bets with insurance companies about who will live the longest. Though they know the odds, they keep right on betting. Even as the odds get higher and higher, they keep right on betting more and more.

One day they lose.

But Fathers enjoy an earthly immortality and the bet is paid off to the part of him he leaves behind.

I don’t know where a father goes when he dies. But I have an idea that after a good rest, wherever it is, he won’t be happy unless there is work to do. He won’t just sit on a cloud and wait for the girl he’s loved and the children she bore. He’ll be busy there, too… repairing the stairs… oiling the gates… improving the streets, smoothing the way.

I added a few cartoons about Father's Day to the Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion Project that I hope you will check out.

Happy Father's Day to all you Dad's out there.
Hugs & Angels be with you,
Pat

Hi Patricia ,
I was gone for a while ( Luckily still on earth) and miss a few things.

How do I get to the cartoons.

Dries, welcome back.

To get to the pix/cartoons go up to the Projects listed here up above on the left & click on: "Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion"

Once there, click on "Photos & Documents" to the right of that laughing yellow face. Once there, click on "view all". Just in case you don't know, you can click on the pic to enlarge it.

There are directions on the main page of the project on how to add pix in case you don't know how to do so... Be aware that the pix also go to YOUR photo albums so you will need a name for an album if you plan to periodically add pix/cartoons. I think I named mine "Geni Humor Discussion Pix" so they don't go into the albums for family or my main one...

Hope you enjoy what is there.

Four Business Dads

Once there were four businessmen. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And 1!"
The nurse goes away.
Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"
The nurse goes away.
The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"
The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"
The nurse goes away.
The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.
She asks, "Why are you crying"?
The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!!

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up!

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it.”

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, “Oh, please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!” On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So god gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away – laughing with delight all the while.

God an Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

“What’s it called?” asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.

I will be adding a pix to the Picture Board For Genealogy Discussion Project that goes along with the above story--2 boys with pants down & little girl looking on...
Hope you check it out--it is funny!
Pat

Fathers then & now

Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan/SUV.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughter’s suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So... how long have you had that earring?"

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, redbrick building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

The Why's of Men!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know... it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart!

One for the ladies...
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '.

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

British 1881 Census Details…

Interesting details discovered during the process of indexing the British 1881 Census. (Found in the Ensign magazine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, March 1996, p. 58.)

* The wife, mother, and daughter of James Christmas were all named Mary Christmas
* Frank Guest was listed as a visitor
* Harriet Goodhand was listed as a domestic servant
* The families of William Lovegrove, Henry Dearlove, and William Darling all lived on the same block in Oxfordshire
* A woman named Rose married Robert Garden
* Emma Boatwright married a seaman
* Mr. Thorn lived in Rose Cottage
* Robert Speed, a bus driver and post runner
* Robert Robb, a detective officer
* Phoebe Brain, a scholar
* One woman's birthplace was listed as "in stage coach between Nottingham and Derby"
* John Pounder, a blacksmith
* William Scales, a piano maker
* Herman Hamberger, born in Greece
* Curious occupations: dirt refiner, hoveller, moleskin saver, piano puncher, sparable cutter, spittle maker, tingle maker, and whim driver
* Twin four-year-olds named Peter the Great and William the Conqueror
* Brothers named Seaman and Landsman
* The occupation of three daughters was entered as "They toil not, neither do they spin"

Mother/Daughter Banquet

At our Mother/Daughter banquet, the pastor's wife asked for the daughters to come forward to share what their mothers had taught them. She choose my 14-year-old daughter first. As I sat there reviewing all the wonderful things I had taught her, she said to the crowd, "My mom taught me to love my body now, because I'm going to hate it when I'm 40."