Genealogy Humor

Mother's Dictionary

1. Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also. 


2. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. 


3. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. 


4. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. 


5. Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. 

6. Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him or he has done something wrong. 


7. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. 


8. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. 


9. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. 


10. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
11. Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. 


12. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. 


13. Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. 


14. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. 


15. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. 


16. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. 


17. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. 


18. Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. 


19. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. 


20. Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. 


21. Verbal: Able to whine in words 


22. Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Rodney Dangerfield’s Humor

1. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
2. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
3. Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
4. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
5. A hooker once told me she had a headache.
6. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
7. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
8. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
9. I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
10. My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
11. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
12. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
13. My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
14. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.
15. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
16. My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
17. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
18. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... Put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
19. I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
20. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
21. I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
22. I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
23. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
24. I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.
25. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
26. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
27. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
28. I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
29. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said... "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
30. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
31. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
32. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
33. One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.
34. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

GRANDPA'S DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few
days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the
house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep
in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the
truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily...
'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse..... It's called BunkBeds....And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'!!!!!

Just goes to show that it is a good idea to ask "why are you asking?" or for clarification as kid's thinking/understanding of the world around them is different than that of adults!!! Although it never hurts to clarify when adults ask questions also as this story shows! Hope you chuckle as you read it...

What Causes Arthritis

A man who smelled like beer sat down next to a priest on the subway. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. Opening his newspaper, he began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!"

In response the drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned" and returned to his paper.

Thinking about what he had said, the priest nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to come on so strongly. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father . . . I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.

As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills..

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks ... .And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on kid. Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!


BIOLOGY EXAM:

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and
it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

A RIDE IN THE TAXI

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy!
They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

Fourth of July Thoughts: Signers of the Declaration of Independence

(I could not find the original source for this and I hope that it is accurate, but as so much that passes through the Internet, I cannot guarantee its truthfulness. Whether or not this piece is true, it does offer us the opportunity to reflect on the meaning of the Fourth of July Holiday)
By: Steven M Sultanoff, Ph.D.

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
• Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.
• Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
• Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.
• They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?
• Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
• Carter BRAXTON of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
• Thomas McKEAM was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family 
was 
kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
• Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of
 DILLERY, HALL, CLYMER, WALALTON, GUINETT, HEYWARD, RUTTLEDGE and MIDDLETON.
• At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas NELSON Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis LEWIS had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
• John HART was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. NORRIS and LIVINGSTON suffered similar fates.
• Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."


• They gave you and me a free and independent America.
• The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British.
• We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government! Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn’t. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It’s not much to ask for the price they paid.

Remember freedom is never free!
GOD BLESS THE USA!!!

Hope everyone has a safe & happy 4th of July.

4th of July Humor

How Many States Can You Name?
Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

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4th of July Jokes
• The difference between a duck and George Washington is: One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!
• What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for? 
Liberty!
• What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War? The Battle of Bonkers Hill.
• Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants? 
Because they lived in colonies.
• What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog? 
A revolutionary warthog!
• Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
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More 4th of July Humor
Nicholas took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.
Later, Nicholas and Bryan attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'

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Little Andy Was At His First Day of School
Mrs. Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the "Pledge of Allegiance"*** and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.
As Mrs. Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag........', when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.
'Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,' she demands.
Andy looks up and replies, 'It is over my heart.'
After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte enquires, 'Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?'
'Well Miss,' answers Andy, 'because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, "Bless your little heart," and my Grandma never lies.'
*** On September 8, 1892 a Boston-based youth magazine - The Youth's Companion' published a 22-word recitation for school children to use during planned activities the following month to commemorate the 400th anniversary of Columbus' discovery of America. Under the title "The Pledge to the Flag", the composition was the earliest version of what we now know as the Pledge of Allegiance.

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Q: Teacher: “Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”

A: Student: “On the bottom!”

Q: Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
A: To get to the other tide!

Q: What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
A: The Americans licked the British!
Q: What did the big firework say to the little firework?
A: My pop is bigger than your pop!

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The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands
on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

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A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta where he purchased two diamond necklaces. On his return flight to the United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list everything he had purchased on his trip. So he made the declaration of Indian pendants.

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Two elderly aunts Nellie & Ellie were retired school teachers. It was an unmentioned fact that both ladies suffered from incontinence and wore protective undergarments. Nellie asked the kids if they knew what holiday we were celebrating.
They all answered 4th of July.
Ellie said, "That's the date but does anyone know the real name.
Little Steven hollered, "I know. It's "In Depends Aunt's Day."

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"NO JOKE for HARVARD.....BUT IT's a GREAT AMERICAN
TRUE STORY!!!"

THE GINGHAM DRESS

A lady in a faded gingham dress, and her husband, dressed in
a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and
walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University
President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods,
country hicks had no business at Harvard, & probably didn't even
deserve to be in Cambridge. "We'd like to see the president",
the man said softly.

"He'll be busy all day", the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait", the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple
would finally become discouraged and go away.
They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally
decided to disturb the president, even though it was a
chore she always dreaded. "Maybe if you see them for a few
minutes, they'll leave", she said to him.

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance
obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, and he
detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up
his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the
couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard
for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here, but about a
year ago he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like
to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus".

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.
"Madam", he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every
person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would
look like a cemetery".

"Oh, no", the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue.
We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard".

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress
and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have
any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven
and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at
Harvard".

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased.
Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that
all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our
own?"

Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr.
and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to
Palo Alto, California, where they established the university that
bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that
Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they
treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes

Funny Genealogy Expressions & Slogans
1. Definition of genealogy: When a step backward is true progress!
2. Don’t let your family tree suffer from root rot!
3. Finding a new ancestor is a blast from the past!
4. Genealogist’s favorite game: Ancestor Hide and Seek.
5. Genealogist’s favorite game show: Family Feud.
6. Genealogist’s hunting season: 12 Midnight 1 January — 11:59 P.M. 31 December.
7. Genealogist’s least favorite activity: Pruning the family tree!
8. Genealogists are always in a family way!
9. Genealogists are family tree huggers!
10. Genealogists are forebear hunters!
11. Genealogy is not done until the “past lady” sings!
12. Genealogy is simply TREEific!
13. Genealogy disease: Gensomnia.
14. How a genealogist greets a stranger: “Are you sure we aren’t related?”
15. How a genealogist greets another genealogist. “Would you like to join my famclub?”
16. How a genealogist introduces his children: “I’d like you to meet my descendants!”
17. How a genealogist introduces his parents: “Have you met my ancestors?”
18. I’m ancestrally challenged!
19. If you want to have some fun, say “Who’s your daddy?” to a room full of genealogists and watch the heads turn.
20. It’s hard to be humble with ancestors like mine!
21. Money doesn’t grow on trees—but ancestors do!
22. Murphy’s law of genealogy: After solving a dead end ancestor mystery that consumed your entire adult life, your sister reports, “I could have told you that!”
23. Murphy’s law of genealogy: Paying for a vital record and then finding it right under your nose!
24. Old genealogists never die. They just haunt archives.
25. Organization to help with genealogy addiction: AA (Ancestors Anonymous).
26. Popular sign in a cemetery: “Dead End.”
27. The best ancestors want to be found!
28. The “mother lode” of genealogy is discovering a great grandmother’s maiden name.
29. Time and genealogy wait for no man!
30. To a genealogist, the expression “Mother Nature” takes on a whole new meaning!
31. Transcribers of headstones generally work the graveyard shift!
32. True genealogists wonder why the Academy Awards don’t have a category for best microfilm!
33. Ultimate success to a genealogist: Proving that Elvis isn’t dead!
34. What a genealogist should not say on a blind date: “Isn’t it great? I did your tree and we’re related!”
35. You know you’re a genealogist if you find the certainty of ancestral death and tax records exciting. (Paraphrased from Ben Franklin’s “Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.”)
36. If you think Castle Garden is something out of a fairy tale, you’re probably not a genealogist!

Hummmmmm,....

Origin of the Human Race:

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race start?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Census Whacking #1

http://www.geneamusings.com/2006/04/census-whacking-1.html

By: Randy Seaver
Copyright (c) Randall J. Seaver, 2006-2014

The Genealogue introduced us to Census Whacking in 2005. From what I was able to gather, the present formulation of it is to find unique or interesting Surnames, Given Names, Birthplaces or Occupations in the Census Records. This has become specialized to find census listings of famous people, fake or wrong census listings, or duplicate census records for individuals and families.

I tend to favor the unique combination of given names and surnames, to wit:

1. Osman Nervous – 1920, St. Louis MO
2. Chip Buffalo – 1900, Raymond NE
3. Julia Happiness – 1920, Story County, IA
4. J.H. Wonderful - 1910, Chicago IL
5. Tiger Tadpole – 1900, Cherokee Indian Territory
6. Harry Bald – 1920, Spokane WA
7. Peter Fuzzy – 1910, El Paso TX
8. Frog Super – 1920, Greenville SC
9. Evil Blessing – 1900, Middleton OH
10. Lullaby Lee – 1920, Choctaw, OK
11. Charles Cuckoo – 1900, Florida, NY
12. Jean B. Stupid – 1870, Vermillion, LA
13. Usano Miserable – 1900, New York City, NY

And those are the clean ones! You wouldn't believe what you can find using George Carlin's seven magic words.

Have you found "unique" names in the census? Tell me what, when and where.

There was 1 response:
• I'll bet Chip Buffalo hated those "last name first, first name last" situations.

Watch in AWE.....or maybe Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

http://biggeekdad.com/2015/07/wendy-the-talking-dog/

This is kind of long, but I think you will enjoy it.

THE BACK NINE

I FIRST STARTED READING THIS EMAIL & WAS READING FAST UNTIL I REACHED THE THIRD SENTENCE. I STOPPED AND STARTED OVER READING SLOWER AND THINKING ABOUT EVERY WORD. THIS IS VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING. MAKES YOU STOP AND THINK. READ SLOWLY... AND THEN IT IS WINTER...

... You know... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. 


But, here it is... the back nine of my life and it catches me by surprise... 

How did I get here so fast? 


Where did the years go and where did my youth go? 


I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that I was only on the first hole and the back nine was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like. 


But, here it is… my friends are retired and getting gray... they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me... but I see the great change... Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant... but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become. 


Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit! 


...And so... now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the back nine, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth... it's over. A new adventure will begin! 
Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done... things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime. 


So, if you're not on the back nine yet... let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the back nine or not! 


You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life... so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember... and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!! 


"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY...

Remember... 
"It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.

LASTLY, CONSIDER THIS:
~Your kids are becoming you... but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good... Coming home is better!
~You forget names... But it's OK because some people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything like golf.
~The things you used to care to do, you aren't as interested in anymore, but you really do care that you aren't as interested.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV 'ON' than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
~You tend to use more 4-letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers... always...
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

... It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN; YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS!!!

*********** Why Are You Crying?**************

It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed. She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

"What's the matter, honey?" she asks. "Why the heck are you down here at this hour?"

Her husband looks up at her. "Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?"

"Sure." She answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness. "And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?"

"Yes, of course."

"And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said: 'You either marry her or I'll put you in jail for 20 years?"

"Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!?" she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said:"It's just that...
......I would have been out today!!!!!"

THIS IS SERIOUS & TRUE...but also FUNNY as "The Worm Turns"...

"Alleged Law Office Bomber Tells Court He Is Having Trouble Finding A Lawyer"?????

It is sometimes difficult to find counsel for people for various reasons: limited means, specialized cases etc. Guido Amsel has a particularly difficult circumstance: he is accused for trying to blow up the last lawyers that he dealt with. The accused bomber told a court in Winnipeg that he cannot secure a lawyer after he was arrested for setting off an explosive device went off in a Winnipeg law firm, severely injuring 38-year-old Maria Mitousis. Mitousis represented his ex-wife.

Amsel was going through a bitter divorce when he allegedly sent three explosive devices in the mail. In addition to the law firm, he targeted a second law firm and an automobile body shop. He is now charged with two counts of attempted murder and other charges.

What is interesting is that a number of lawyers were able to cite an easy and poetic reason: they donated to a Go Fund Me page for Mitousis’s recovery. It appears a lot of lawyers have made such donations and insist that it creates a conflict of interest. Not only do you help a victim and fellow lawyer, but you receive a tax and client write off.

I remember the old clothesline!!! For a family of 5 +, first it had to be washed (we had a winger type washer with 2 tubs for rinsing) then one had to hang everything up, then several hours later, if there was a good breeze, after the clothes dried, you had to take everything down and fold it all--then put it away (and it wasn't just one basket full!!!) I hated wash day until we got a used dryer! Wonder if this will bring back any memories for you???

The Clothesline

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the fancy sheets
and towels on the line;
You'd see the company table clothes
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors raised their brows, and looked
Disgustedly away.

But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryeres make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess

I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!

Author unknown

Pat...I still remember the wonderful smell of sheets on the clothes lines... my mother always seemed to get her fingers caught in the ringers of the olde washers.
In L.A. we also had incinerators where every evening I got to take the trash out and burn it!!! It's a wonder I didn't turn into a FireBug!!! The SMOG out here forced the end of the backyard fires.

You’ve been hit with the genealogy bug if…

When introducing someone you say, “this is my sister’s grandmother’s father’s son.”

You are more interested in what happened in 1815 than in 2015.

A perfect vacation includes trips to cemeteries, archives and libraries.

A family vacation is going to visit an ancestor’s hometown.

Your doctor asks about your family background and you reply, “how many generations back?”

Many family albums are filled with photos of ancestors.

You explore unusual, non-related family names for fun, as well as your own family names.

You know more about your ancestors than your oldest relatives who knew them.

You thrive on finding an old family heirloom and learning about its history.

If you could have any tech gadget, it would be a time machine to go back and meet your ancestors.

You’ve called in sick because you woke up late after a research all-nighter .

You filed your taxes in GEDCOM format.

You named your kids in alphabetical order to make indexing easier.

Do you have any others to add?
Posted by Emma on May 26th, 2015 - 10:06
Tagged as: Family History, Genealogy, Genealogy Bug, You know you're a genealogist

For those of my generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists…..

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I go down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, what I will be doing and plan to do.
I freely spout my political and religious thoughts without regard to theirs.
I give them pictures of my family, my friends, my dog, my vacations, my gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have 3 persons following me:..........2 police officers and a psychiatrist !!

CHILDBIRTH AT 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Lost in the Supermarket

A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Kids Talk About Love, Part 3

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
• You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10
• No person really decides before they grow up who they going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
• Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER!!! by then. Camille, age 10
• No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
• You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
• Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
• Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
• On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
• I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
• When they're rich. Pam, age 7
• The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
• The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
• It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
• There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kevin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
• Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10

Fart Jokes
Q: What do you call a person that doesn't fart in public?
A: a PRIVATE TUTOR.

Q: What's the definition of bravery?
A: a man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Q: What's the difference between Mozart and Mr. Methane?
A: One is music to your ear; the other is music from his rear.

Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married.

Q: What is the Definition of bravery?
A: Someone who has diarrhea and chances a fart.

Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A: A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions?
A: Tear Gas.

Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: What did the high Priest comment before he flushed the toilet?
A: Holy Crap!

Q: What does Mitt Romney say when he farts?
A: Obama did it.

Q: What do you call "fart" in German?
A: Farfrompoopin!

Q: What is it called when Queen of England farts?
A: A noble gas.

Q: What does it mean to 'cupcake' someone?
A: Fart in your hand and put you hand in someone's face

Q: What's the difference between a museum and a Mr. Methane act?
A: One has artifacts; the other does farty acts.

A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place. But in the end it couldn't 'cos it had no guts.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

I fart. Why?... because it's the only gas I can afford.

If you fart during a game of Twister, you are dead to me.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

While at dinner party, a man farts. Another man says “How dare you fart in front of my wife”. First man says “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn”.

Doctor's Visit
* Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"
* Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
* The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
* Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."
* "Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
* The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
* "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Car Shopping
* A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind.
* Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
* As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
* Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
* He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Pilots
* There was a Mexican, an American and a Japanese pilot.
* They were taking turns flying over each of their countries so they were flying over Japan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said, "Because I love my country!"
* So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said, "Because I love my country"
* So they went on to America and the American drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said, "Because I hate my country"
* So they landed in their respective countries and the Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said what’s the matter and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head.
* Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit him in the head.
* Then the American was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and he said, "I farted and the building behind me exploded"

Teachers Lesson
* The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
* Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
* The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
* To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants."

Restaurant
* A woman walks into a restaurant and takes a seat. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly, with the Waiter right behind her. Shocked, she sits back up abruptly, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop That!"
* To which the Waiter replies "Sure, Which Way Did It Go?"

Fart Dixie
* A broke dirty Cowboy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey."
* The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first."
* "I'm broke, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie!"
* The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves.
* The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not shit all over my stage!"
* And the Cowboy replies, "Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"

Starbucks
* A man walks into a Starbucks with his iphone... He suddenly realizes he needs to fart. He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking 'the music is loud no one will hear.' So he farts... When he looks around, everyone's staring at him. Then he realizes... He was listening to his iphone with headphones.

Brothel
* Man goes to a brothel. The Madam is out of women but since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door. The Polack comes out in five minutes.
* "How was it?" says the Madam.
* "I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"

Elderly Couple
* An elderly couple goes to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husband’s ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
* The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/barjokes/fartjokes.html

Have you all run out of interest in this discussion??? I am not seeing any comments or contributions from you. Here are some thoughts about genealogy.

Ancestry and Roots ~ 21-30
21. It must be confessed that the Pilgrims possessed but few of the qualities of the modern pioneer. They were not the ancestors of the American backwoodsmen. They did not go at once into the woods with their axes. They were a family and church, and were more anxious to keep together, though it was on the sand, than to colonize a New World... It is true they were busy at first about their building, and were hindered in that by much foul weather; but a party of emigrants to California or Oregon, with no less work on their hands, —and more hostile Indians — would do as much exploring the first afternoon, and the Sieur de Champlain would have sought an interview with the savages, and examined the country as far as the Connecticut, and made a map of it, before Billington had climbed his tree.... Nevertheless, the Pilgrims were pioneers, and the ancestors of pioneers, in a far grander enterprise. ~ Henry David Thoreau 




22. I have often felt as though I had inherited all the defiance and all the passions with which our ancestors defended their Temple and could gladly sacrifice my life for one great moment in history. And at the same time I always felt so helpless and incapable of expressing these ardent passions even by a word or a poem. ~ Sigmund Freud





23. These battles sound incredible to us. I think that posterity will doubt if such things ever were, — if our bold ancestors who settled this land were not struggling rather with the forest shadows, and not with a copper-colored race of men. They were vapors, fever and ague of the unsettled woods. Now, only a few arrowheads are turned up by the plow. In the Pelasgic, the Etruscan, or the British story, there is nothing so shadowy and unreal. ~ Henry David Thoreau




24. All his successors gone before him have done ’t; and all his ancestors that come after him may. ~ William Shakespeare 



25. Rights! There are no rights whatever without corresponding duties. Look at the history of the growth of our constitution, and you will see that our ancestors never upon any occasion stated, as a ground for claiming any of their privileges, an abstract right inherent in themselves; you will nowhere in our parliamentary records find the miserable sophism of the Rights of Man.
 ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge



26. The blood weeps from my heart when I do shape,
In forms imaginary, th’ unguided days

And rotten times that you shall look upon

When I am sleeping with my ancestors. ~ William Shakespeare 


28. A spirit of innovation is generally the result of a selfish temper and confined views. People will not look forward to posterity, who never look backward to their ancestors. ~ Edmund Burke 





27. ... no human being is master of his fate, and ... we are all motivated far more than we care to admit by characteristics inherited from our ancestors which individual experiences of childhood can modify, repress, or enhance, but cannot erase. ~ Agnes E. Meyer




28. Every book is a quotation; and every house is a quotation out of all forests, and mines, and stone quarries; and every man is a quotation from all his ancestors. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson




29. The first who was king was a fortunate soldier: Who serves his country well has no need of ancestors. 
~ François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 






30. Thou shalt make thy house

The temple of a nation’s vows.
Spirits of a higher strain

Who sought thee once shall seek again.
I detected many a god

Forth already on the road,
Ancestors of beauty come

In thy breast to make a home. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don't forget to check out the Project: Picture Board for Genealogy Humor Discussion. I have been adding to it also. Since I wanted to use all of the Gene Toons I contacted the creator and got his permission to do so as long as the copyright info was included. Hope you have enjoyed them... There are still a few more to go--90 total although I think there may have been one or two that I didn't include and they are numbered. Some of them (more so than others) are sooooo close to the truth you can't help laughing!!!

You can make your comments here about any of the pix that really tickle your funny bone!!! If you want to see which ones I may not have included, enter GENE TOONS in your search engine... one of the sites has a listing of all of them.

a Chance taker is a person who sit in the back row at church, gives a loud fart and look over his shoulder as if there are people sitting behind him.

Did you know where Tarzan`s "war cry" came from. (Younger generation I don't you will know because you don't know Tarzan) He was swinging through the forest with Jane, holding him around the waste when his loincloth slips and she fearing the fall grab onto the only hanging thing she can get hold on. The next noise was that terrible cry who let every animal and person who hear it shudder.

"Oooops" for the first one, and "Ouch" for the second--no wonder he yelled!!!

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table.
He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right.....
..... They wouldn't let me in without a tie!!!

Tooooooo funny!!!

Ancestry and Roots ~ 31-40

31. She returned home, to the empty and dark room, and there, lonely and suffering, uttered a prayer to the God whom she had long since abandoned, yet who remained the God of her ancestors, praying that the spirit of goodness and mercy, omnipresent and all-pervading, would soften the hearts of those who decided Sasha’s fate. ~ Anatoly Rybakov...On a mother seeking the whereabouts of her son during the Stalinist era in the USSR, quoted in NY Times 14 Mar 87




32. The Indian attitude toward the land was expressed by a Crow named Curly: “The soil you see is not ordinary soil—it is the dust of the blood, the flesh, and the bones of our ancestors. You will have to dig down to find Nature’s earth, for the upper portion is Crow, my blood and my dead. I do not want to give it up.” ~ For the State of Montana, U.S. public relief program. Montana: A State Guide Book (The WPA Guide to Montana).

33. I long to hear that you have declared an independancy [sic]—and by the way in the new Code of Laws which I suppose it will be necessary for you to make I desire you would Remember the Ladies, and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the Husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the Laidies [sic] we are determined to foment a Rebelion [sic], and will not hold ourselves bound by any Laws in which we have no voice, or Representation. 
~ 
Abigail Adams (1744–1818), U.S. matriarch, wife and mother of American Presidents. In a letter reprinted in The Feminist Papers, part 1, by Alice S. Rossi (1973). 



34. In a letter dated March 31, 1776 and written from Braintree, MA to her husband, John Adams, during the during the Revolutionary War, shortly after the British occupation of Boston was lifted. ~ Source: The Columbia World of Quotations. 1996.




35. But we still remember ... above all, the cool, free aspect of the wild apple trees, generously proffering their fruit to us, though still green and crude,— the hard, round, glossy fruit, which, if not ripe, still was not poison, but New English too, brought hither, its ancestors, by ours once. These gentler trees imparted a half-civilized and twilight aspect to the otherwise barbarian land. ~ Henry David Thoreau




36. But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation. Woe to you who are full now, for you will be hungry. Woe to you who are laughing now, for you will mourn and weep. Woe to you when all speak well of you, for that is what their ancestors did to the false prophets. ~ Bible: New Testament, Luke 6:24-26.

37. Three years ago, also, just a week after the authorities of Boston assembled to carry back a perfectly innocent man, and one whom they knew to be innocent, into slavery, the inhabitants of Concord caused the bells to be rung and the cannons to be fired, to celebrate their liberty,—and the courage and love of liberty of their ancestors who fought at the bridge. As if those three millions had fought for the right to be free themselves, but to hold in slavery three million others. Nowadays, men wear a fool’s cap, and call it a liberty-cap. I do not know but there are some who, if they were tied to a whipping-post, and could but get one hand free, would use it to ring the bells and fire the cannons to celebrate their liberty. So some of my townsmen took the liberty to ring and fire. That was the extent of their freedom; and when the sound of the bells died away, their liberty died away also; when the powder was all expended, their liberty went off with the smoke.

38. The joke could be no broader if the inmates of the prisons were used to subscribe for all the powder to be used in such salutes, and hire the jailers to do the firing and ringing for them, while they enjoyed it through the grating.
 ~ Henry David Thoreau




39. It is remarkable what a value is still put upon wood even in this age and in this new country, a value more permanent and universal than that of gold. After all our discoveries and inventions no man will go by a pile of wood. It is as precious to us as it was to our Saxon and Norman ancestors. If they made their bows of it, we make our gun-stocks of it. ~ Henry David Thoreau 



40. I stand here tonight to say that we have never known defeat; we have never been vanquished. We have not always reached the goal toward which we have striven, but in the hour of our greatest disappointment we could always point to our battlefield and say: “There we fought our good fight, there we defended the principles for which our ancestors and yours laid down their lives; there is our battlefield for justice, equality and freedom. Where is yours?”
 ~ Anna Howard Shaw