Genealogy Humor

You're getting Old, Olde, Older, Oldest.....

I very quietly confided to my wife that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and said ...
"Nooooo Problem ...as long as I can cater it!"?

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me.''
So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She replied...'No peer pressure!'

************

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God...... I still have my driver's license.

****************

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But, by the time I got my leotards on...
the class was over.

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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?
''Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

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THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

..now forward this to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always REMEMBER:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing...

What happen to Patricia?
There is a great humor difference between Language groups and or cultural groups. It's no where as noticeable as in South Africa. The following joke was broadcast over the AFRIKAANS Canal. It was before the time of T/V
(We have 11 official Langauges so you more or less had 11 Canals) The broadcaster was suspended for 3 days.)
Now for the joke.
It was an advertisement for one or other brand of salt. An the answer to the Question was "salt" and the first one that phoned in with correct answer gets the price.

The lady rings and 'um an a' and to help her the broadcaster asked. :
What did you put on your husbands eggs?

"JOHNSONS BABY POWDER COMES THE ANSWER "

2 Rubbish removal was always on Wednesday. The lady seeing her rubbish bags still standing in the street ask the lady next door. "Is your rubbish gone"
No he is still in bed.

Sorry, folks, I was in the hospital for a few days in early December and haven't been on the computer as much as I usually am. I am much better than I was before going into the hospital, but can't sit at the computer for long periods like I used to--my feet swell up like balloons!!! However, since this is a New Year, I hope you enjoy this:

Wishes For You

May peace break into your home and
May thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans
Become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline
And may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face
And may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had
Forget your home address!

Patricia Ann Scoggin I hope you are feeling better. Happy New Year.

Ptracia, Good to have you back.

Happy New Year to all who follow this discussion. May you laugh more this year than last. Found this & couldn't resist adding it here; hope it starts your year with a laugh!!!

Flower Show

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Jackie leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for “Best Dried Arrangement...” !'

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly.
Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile!

....And you thought your first date was embarrassing????

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car,yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...
'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

That's good. "Big bladder to the rescue"

...Genealogy...The Afterlife.........

***** Sex After Death *****

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come
back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

"I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.."

"Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens)."

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon."

"After supper, it's back to the golf course again."

"Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?"

....."No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona!!!!"

My Inconclusive Travel Plans for 2016

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

In Russia today is Old New Year. Originally that weird phrase meant "New Year by the Old Calendar", but now (although people remember the etymology) it also means that the new year is becoming old ))).

So congratulations, everybody. If you haven't gotten rid of your decorations yet, now is definitely the time!

Becoming a Seenager (Senior Teenager)

Finally! Things keep getting better and better. . .
Thought you would like this, I am now a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 65 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

Another topic that needs to be discussed is "REMEDIES FOR PREVENTING TO BECOME A SEENAGER" I think here should be
some funds been set aside at highest level for finding the ultimate cure.

Even in king David of Israel's time they had a remedy that still works in some cases to day. 1 KINGS King David was very old and although they covered him well he didn't get warm. His officials then suggests that they get a young women to care and sleep with him.
It seems that, that does not work for him. But I have seen many cases where it works like bomb.
I think there should be more experiments in that direction.

a Young man for a Seenager women have the same effect.

Young student to genealogist "Madam, what are Progenitals?"

I thought progenitals were the things that green [PRO] referred to next to a person's name. On Geni.com you have to pay to get to everybody to see them.

Today, 1/21 is National Hug Day, so I would like to share a hug with all who follow this discussion. Here is something I found about Hugs--they are good for you!!! Have a great Day!

10 Benefits of Hugging

1) Hugs make us feel “happy”! When we hug another person, our bodies release oxytocin, a hormone associated with “happiness,” according to scientific studies. [1]
2) Hugs alleviate stress! Just as a good hug increases our oxytocin levels, it decreases our cortisol or “stress” levels. [2]
3) Babies need hugs as much as water and food! According to researchers at Harvard University, hugs help promote normal levels of cortisol necessary for child development. [3]
4) Hugs make us better students! Students who receive a supportive touch from a teacher are twice as likely to volunteer in class. [4]
5) Hugs improve our game! Scientists at University of California, Berkley discovered that the more affectionate members of a team are with each other, the more likely they are to win. [4]
6) A hug a day keeps the doctor away! A hug stimulates the thymus gland, which in turn regulates the production of white blood cells that keep us healthy and disease-free. [5]
7) A hug stops the bug! Researchers at Carnegie Mellon proved that individuals who were sick and received hugs had less severe symptoms and were able to get better quicker. [6]
8) A hugging heart is a healthy heart! Research from University of North Carolina showed that a good hug helps ease blood flow and lower cortisol levels, which in turn help lower our heart rates. [7]
9) A hugging couple is a happy couple! Couples that experience their partners’ love through physical affection share higher oxytocin levels. [8]
10) Hugs let someone know you care without having to say a word! According to Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at University of California, Berkeley, we can identify love from simple human touch – imagine how much love a big hug can communicate! [9]

Sources:
* [1] http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101115160304.htm
* [2] http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/01/05/touching.makes.you.healthier.h...
* [3] http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/06.11/OfHugsandHormon.html
* [4] http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/23/health/23mind.html
* [5] http://preventdisease.com/news/14/012314_9-Reasons-Need-Giving-Rece...
* [6] http://bigthink.com/ideafeed/boost-your-immune-system-with-hugs
* [7] http://www.prevention.com/health/health-concerns/hugs-boost-immune-...
* [8] http://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2007/February/docs/01features_01.htm
* [9] http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hands_on_research

Thanks for the hugging's Pat, but I'm not sure people in Sweden are that interested in hugs, half of the grown ups lives as in singles and one third of the population will die alone, missed by nobody, grieved by none, maybe it's a result of massive indoctrination by individualistic ideas at its very best. Who really needs another person when you can do all by yourselves?

Now it's time to tickle myself and see if I laugh...

@Ulf Ingvar Göte Martinsson maybe if those in Sweden shared a hug or two they wouldn't die so alone & would be missed by someone??? It is sad that one would feel that they wouldn't be missed when they die!

I do have ancestors on my Dad's side of the family, my paternal great grandparents, who were born in Sweden (Carlson branch). (My ggf, [Gustaf Emil Carlson Gustaf Emil Carlson] was born in Ginre, province of Elfsborg, Sweden, on March 31st 1863 & his wife, [Jennie Carlson Jennie Carlson (Gustafson)] was born on June 24, 1864 in Glanna, province of Smaland, Sweden.)

You could correct Gustafs profile, Älvsborg doesn't exist anymore, so in order to find it easier on a map etc, you could write in the following data in the profile.

Parish: Gingri Sn
County: Västergötland
Country: Sverige
Or
Län Västra Götalands län
Landskap Västergötland
Land Sverige

Gingri, were earlier spelled Gingrini, and also Gingrid, my mothers fathers side have some roots in that area.

My third great grandfather from Gingri.
Erik Hansson Hall

https://youtu.be/MyLTknMEiR4

How many of these are you familiar with??? I wonder how many the young whippersnappers of today will know... or will they just scratch their head and ask "What the... did she say???"

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word murgatroyd?

Lost Words from our childhood... Have a glimpse back at our old vocabulary and maybe, just maybe, reminisce a little bit.

Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new phrase!) he never heard of the word jalopy!!

She knew she was old but not that old!

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

by Richard Lederer

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.

These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right…

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill, Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I'll be a monkey's uncle! Or this is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards...

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind.

We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone??

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel... Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers... Don't take any wooden nickels...

Heavens to Murgatroyd!!

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills..,

This can be disturbing stuff!! LOL Oh Oh!! This funky expression wasn't even thought of yet... Sorry 'bout 'dat...

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times.

For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.

We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

See ya later, alligator!!

Good one Pat. I have to ask, What is a whippersnapper? Anyone know the origin of that word?

Valentines Day is rapidly approaching so thought you all might enjoy this one.

"What does love mean?"
These are answers from 4 to 8 year olds.
1. When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8 


2. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths. Billy - age 4 


3. Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Kari - age 5 


4. Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy - age 6 


5. Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Terri - age 4 


6. Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK. 
Danny - age 7 


7. Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. Emily - age 8 


8. Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby - age 7 


9. If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
 Nikki - age 6 


10. Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. Noelle - age 7 


11. Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy - age 6 


12. During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. 
Cindy - age 8 


13. My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. Clare - age 6 


14. Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. 
Elaine - age 5 


15. Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Chris - age 7 


16. Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
 Mary Ann - age 4 


17. When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
 Karen - age 7 


18. You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica - age 8 


19. And the winner was a 4-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

My daughter in law asked her two children the question "What does Mommy always say?"
Daughter replied: I love you.
Son replied: Stop it.
I couldn't stop laughing - typical boy.

When my daughter was 7 years old, she asked me what was the difference between thinking and worrying. I did not know, She said "I think that worrying makes you go round and round". loved it :)

*https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/whippersnapper

*A WHIPPERSNAPPER is someone who is younger than you are but also irritatingly overconfident and impertinent, like your little smart aleck cousin.

The word whippersnapper describes a specific kind of bratty, know-it-all kid, and it's only used by an older person who is talking about a younger person. It's a fairly old-fashioned word, having been around since the late-1600s, when it apparently arose out of "whip-snapper," which implied a general sense of lots of noise and very little importance. Around the same time, the word "whipperginnie" was a derogatory term for a woman.

Here's something I always wondered....John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. where did that come from?
=)....his name is my name too.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Jacob_Jingleheimer_Schmidt

"A WHIPPERSNAPPER" In Olden days even when I was young they gave a young boy, old enough to wild a whip.,a whip ,to snap in wheat fields to chase the birds away. (a whip can make a very loud snapping noise. Just think of the loud snap of the lion trainers whip ) The Boy is given to understand that it is a very important job and he can monitored from the house.
The modern way is a gas canon that works with the heat of the sun and and fire shots at regular intervals.

"'Cultural Jokes" are jokes that are connected to certain cultural groups and are most often not enjoyed by other cultural groups because of the lack of knowledge of back ground in which the joke are told.
The exception can be America because it is so widely advertised.

See if you can catch the humor in the next one.

Young Indian boy peep into Chief ARROW THROUGH THE TOE`S , tepee door," Can I ask you something" Yes for certain he replied.
" Tell me chief what influence your name giving process for babies "

"Clever question. You have to take many things in confederation, for instance all your senses, smell , taste, sight hearing feeling and at last your sixth sens but usually women have a surplus of that. When they announce the birth of a new baby I walk out of my Tepee with all of the above in mind and when outside I open my eyes and the first thing to do with above senses that I experience when outside are combined in the name.

In your case it was feeling and smelling . But do not worry CHICKEN POOP
you will be a wise man and brave worrier one day.