Genealogy Humor

Started by Patricia Ann Scoggin on Tuesday, April 29, 2014
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Showing 1441-1470 of 2115 posts

Retarded grandparents

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school one child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles, and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks - they just eat out. And - they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

What Price a Sermon?

One Easter Sunday the Reverend Jones announced to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...
** A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes

** A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes

** And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'

*******************************************

Maria Told Her Mother Gladly

Maria came home from Sunday School on Palm Sunday and told her mother that she had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.

It took her mother a while before she realized that the hymn Maria had been singing was really: "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

*******************************************

Funny Church Notices for Easter

Baptisms: After Easter, the North and South ends of the church will be utilized. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Bible Study: Richard, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied. 

His reply was, 'Nothing.' So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?' Richard's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

Men and Women's Brains explained perfectly:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mByRlZtDIQ

Private that was toooooooooo funny!!!

A translation from Swedish to English regarding his second marriage.

Mattias Eriksson Wolf
Married 1. Anna Pedersdotter Half deer
Married 2. 1645 Maria Goat
On their wedding all those present had animal names, the father of the bride, Erik Goat, her mothers brother, Bengt Buck, his wife, Anna Owl, the wedding marshal, Axel Fox, the bridegroom's harbingers, Bröms Goldenmare, Måns Dragon and his brothers Grouse, the clergyman Bear Gudmundsson, the governor Bengt Ram, and finally Torkel Pig.

https://www.adelsvapen.com/genealogi/Ulf_af_Horsn%C3%A4s_nr_56#TAB_10

Patricia Ann Scoggin your church jokes had me LOL!

This is of a more serious nature. I hope you all will take the time to read this long story. As far as I am concerned it has an awesome & powerful message. I hope you will agree.

Don’t Widen the Plate

In Nashville, Tennessee, during the first week of January, 1996, more than 4,000 baseball coaches descended upon the Opryland Hotel for the 52nd annual ABCA convention.

While I waited in line to register with the hotel staff, I heard other more veteran coaches rumbling about the lineup of speakers scheduled to present during the weekend. One name, in particular, kept resurfacing, always with the same sentiment — “John Scolinos is here? Oh man, worth every penny of my airfare.”

Who the heck is John Scolinos, I wondered. No matter, I was just happy to be there.

In 1996, Coach Scolinos was 78 years old and five years retired from a college coaching career that began in 1948. (He coached at Cal Poly, Pomona.)

He shuffled to the stage to an impressive standing ovation, wearing dark polyester pants, a light blue shirt, and a string around his neck from which home plate hung — a full-sized, stark-white home plate.

Seriously, I wondered, who is this guy?

After speaking for twenty-five minutes, not once mentioning the prop hanging around his neck, Coach Scolinos appeared to notice the snickering among some of the coaches. Even those who knew Coach Scolinos had to wonder exactly where he was going with this, or if he had simply forgotten about home plate since he’d gotten on stage.

Then, finally …

“You’re probably all wondering why I’m wearing home plate around my neck. Or maybe you think I escaped from Camarillo State Hospital,” he said, his voice growing irascible. I laughed along with the others, acknowledging the possibility. “No,” he continued, “I may be old, but I’m not crazy. The reason I stand before you today is to share with you baseball people what I’ve learned in my life, what I’ve learned about home plate in my 78 years.”

Several hands went up when Scolinos asked how many Little League coaches were in the room. “Do you know how wide home plate is in Little League?” After a pause, someone offered, “Seventeen inches,” more question than answer.

“That’s right,” he said. “How about in Babe Ruth? Any Babe Ruth coaches in the house?”

Another long pause.

“Seventeen inches?” came a guess from another reluctant coach.

“That’s right,” said Scolinos. “Now, how many high school coaches do we have in the room?” Hundreds of hands shot up, as the pattern began to appear. “How wide is home plate in high school baseball?”

“Seventeen inches,” they said, sounding more confident.

“You’re right!” Scolinos barked. “And you college coaches, how wide is home plate in college?”

“Seventeen inches!” we said, in unison.

“Any Minor League coaches here? How wide is home plate in pro ball?”

“Seventeen inches!”

“RIGHT! And in the Major Leagues, how wide home plate is in the Major Leagues?”

“Seventeen inches!”

“SEV-EN-TEEN INCHES!” he confirmed, his voice bellowing off the walls. “And what do they do with a a Big League pitcher who can’t throw the ball over seventeen inches?” Pause. “They send him to Pocatello!” he hollered, drawing raucous laughter.

“What they don’t do is this: they don’t say, ‘Ah, that’s okay, Jimmy. You can’t hit a seventeen-inch target? We’ll make it eighteen inches, or nineteen inches. We’ll make it twenty inches so you have a better chance of hitting it. If you can’t hit that, let us know so we can make it wider still, say twenty-five inches.'”

Pause.

“Coaches …”

Pause.

” … what do we do when our best player shows up late to practice? When our team rules forbid facial hair and a guy shows up unshaven? What if he gets caught drinking? Do we hold him accountable? Or do we change the rules to fit him, do we widen home plate?

The chuckles gradually faded as four thousand coaches grew quiet, the fog lifting as the old coach’s message began to unfold. He turned the plate toward himself and, using a Sharpie, began to draw something. When he turned it toward the crowd, point up, a house was revealed, complete with a freshly drawn door and two windows. “This is the problem in our homes today. With our marriages, with the way we parent our kids. With our discipline. We don’t teach accountability to our kids, and there is no consequence for failing to meet standards. We widen the plate!”

Pause. Then, to the point at the top of the house he added a small American flag.

“This is the problem in our schools today. The quality of our education is going downhill fast and teachers have been stripped of the tools they need to be successful, and to educate and discipline our young people. We are allowing others to widen home plate! Where is that getting us?”

Silence. He replaced the flag with a Cross.

“And this is the problem in the Church, where powerful people in positions of authority have taken advantage of young children, only to have such an atrocity swept under the rug for years. Our church leaders are widening home plate!”

I was amazed. At a baseball convention where I expected to learn something about curveballs and bunting and how to run better practices, I had learned something far more valuable. From an old man with home plate strung around his neck, I had learned something about life, about myself, about my own weaknesses and about my responsibilities as a leader. I had to hold myself and others accountable to that which I knew to be right, lest our families, our faith, and our society continue down an undesirable path.

“If I am lucky,” Coach Scolinos concluded, “you will remember one thing from this old coach today. It is this: if we fail to hold ourselves to a higher standard, a standard of what we know to be right; if we fail to hold our spouses and our children to the same standards, if we are unwilling or unable to provide a consequence when they do not meet the standard; and if our schools and churches and our government fail to hold themselves accountable to those they serve, there is but one thing to look forward to …”

With that, he held home plate in front of his chest, turned it around, and revealed its dark black backside.

“… dark days ahead.”

Coach Scolinos died in 2009 at the age of 91, but not before touching the lives of hundreds of players and coaches, including mine. Meeting him at my first ABCA convention kept me returning year after year, looking for similar wisdom and inspiration from other coaches. He is the best clinic speaker the ABCA has ever known because he was so much more than a baseball coach.

His message was clear: “Coaches, keep your players — no matter how good they are — your own children, and most of all, keep yourself at seventeen inches.

"His message was clear: “Coaches, keep your players — no matter how good they are — your own children, and most of all, keep yourself at seventeen inches."

Well that was a real anticlimax.

Another interpretation

Don't bend the rules in order to fit the ones who break them. Standards and values, morality and ethics that govern a person's or group's behavior in positive ways, are worth to uphold because without it, we will inevitably face catastrophe.

Funny Easter Bunny Jokes
• Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? 
He didn't have the hare fare.
• What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
• Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world? 
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

Easter Bunny One-liners
** A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.
** 
An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rabbits.
** What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
** What did Bugs Bunny say to the carrot? 
It's been nice gnawing you.
** How do you post a bunny? Hare mail.
** What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A hare-net.
** Why are people always tired in April?
 Because they've just finished a 31 day March.
** Why did the rabbit cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off.
** What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? 
A receding hareline.
** How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket?
 One. After that the basket won't be empty.
** Why did the rabbit cross the road. 
Because the chicken had his Easter eggs.
** What do you call a chocolate bunny that was out in the sun too long? 
A runny bunny.

Mandy Mole: What's the difference between the Easter rabbit and a mattababy?
Rikki: What's a mattababy?
Mandy Mole: Nothing. What's the matter with you?

Church notices:
** This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Cusworth to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
** This Monday we will be holding a 'Bean Supper' in the church hall. Music will follow..................

Eldon Lester Clark
The Scolinos Brothers

The Scolinos brothers (Pete and John) were born in Los Angeles, California.

Pete Scolinos who was born November 9, 1916,

Father to Harry Frank Scolinos (born 1944 in Los Angeles, California) an American attorney, businessman and politician who ran for the United States Congress as a Republican in California's 29th District. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Scolinos

John Scolinos was born on March 28, 1918,

http://www.greekheritagesociety.org/skolinos_family.htm

Private User
Yes, I have all, this is a work in progress. Which I hope to get back to tonight

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented....I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 50. I learn something new every day.......and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW !, Right?

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

"I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.!

I have thought of that myself Norm Galston after being questioned so many times here on Geni, but after completed 15 questions in a silly test on an online newspaper, I got this!

http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/a77a42df-72ac-4a3e-9a7f-f6f26dcc2c3f/11...

In Sweden, smart people are either unemployed or hidden alone in a dark basement turning papers, and if anyone of you believe that this isn't true, well, then you should use that sticker!

Had one of those croutons for supper myself. But since my husband ate 5/8 of it I consider it the diet on a diet plan.

This one is a little naughty!

Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me... under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you...I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date... unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Thank you Patricia. This is brilliant.

Food for thought:

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

I had this one in my head for a time.

It takes a woman a split second to decide if a man are worthy her attention, but 60 years to find a really good man.

What I wonder
The term feminist, does it mean that they're for or against motherhood?

Free choices
So life is like a roller coaster you say, but who forced you to buy a ticket?

Generalizations
Sometimes I forget that other people are just a bunch of morons, then they always remind me.

What some people do in order to guarantee that their lines to some royal and noble families always will be here.

1. They set up several lines to the father so that they always have another backdoor, they do the same with the mother.

2. They ensure that some of the children are married to each other, or siblings or with the father, or the grandmother, or grandfather as well, or just all of this mentioned.

3. They erase every single correct info that will reveal their scams, or just make new ones that fit their frauds, they are also against information in the about me section or the profile itself, if they didn't put it up from a source that fit their interests.

4. If the result are that a son are married to his mothers sister, and she , yes, the wife, had her first child at the age of 1, one, yes, one year old, they actually have nothing at all against it, and they rely fully on that 99% of you probably are way too stupid to see through it.

5. If one of these fakes takes down, they still have a lot of others, and if that's not enough they just creates a new.

6. If they can't be a part of it, they start action to illegitimate the line it selves, claiming that this or that profile are unsourced, a fake, and ending it with the statement "that no one, can be the descendant of".

7. If they are lucky, they got the selected target looked down with no known parents, or children...

8. If you ask yourselves, what's funny about this, I answer, the amount of effort they put in this to be related to all celebrities, while they at the same time don't give a damn about their so called lined up cousins, or in fact, their real cousins that most likely still lives in a cave in some forest in a remote area unmarked on the map.

Thanks for the tips, I am going to use all of them.

Okay, just a little warning, when Charlemagne are you father, you will be caught...

I haven't done anything above, but still get the information "Charlemagne is your 37th great grandfather". What's then to be done? :)

Private User,

You forgot that if they cannot change their tree to be related to some celebrity, they will try to change that celebrity's tree to fit theirs. Even if it contradicts history (such as some ancient person magically getting their surname before surnames were ever used).

In order for someone to exist on a piece on paper pre 1600's, they had to, with few exception, belonged to one of the higher stands, simplified as the upper class. But the vast majority of the people, globally speaking, has always in what we call the modern time belonged to the lower class and no matter where we look around among the worlds societies, the very idea of a caste system seem to have been the dominating concept in almost every higher developed culture.

This higher social groups practiced in a high degree endogamy, meaning that they mainly exclusively married within their own social group, the result of this becomes a high degree of consanguineous marriages among the people in the top of every society, and this are at the same time the only reason that we today can build a common genealogy world tree and connect people from different corners of the world onto a few common tree roots.

Of course, since the human race have only one origin, we are all related, and of course, at a certain time in history, pure mathematically spoken, we ought to have one and the same forefather to us all at a given point in time, or in fact, at several different points. But this is of minor interest for the one who seeks out his or hers own roots, their unique family tree. We, hopefully, want it to represent the truth in a way that reflect an actual historical parental line, not a fictional one.

The world have had a lot of wars, town and churches have been burnt down and with it a lot of records, some records have most certainly also been destroyed intentionally, and as stated previous, one of the few way to connect to this world tree, is to find an ancestor who belonged to the higher class.

Little about Nordic conditions, a conflagration at the castle "Tre Kronor" in 1697, wherein a large amount, 3/4 of the Swedish old archives were destroyed in that fire alone, among it went also 79.000 danish regests that a danish nobleman who sympathized with the swedes had smuggled in the previous year.

Nordic genealogy are because of such reason mentioned above nothing else than a huge reconstruction of history, where bits and pieces from survived records are puzzled together in a giant detective work with coworkers ranging from happy amateurs to serious professionals, leading to another dilemma, recognition!

As you probably all know, it's not only wars between popular historians and professional academics, it's also a war between different authority figures, it's a war among different ethnic groups, and especially a war among us selves and definitively also, just as all this together wasn't enough, all these fraudsters.

Hi Ulf, I don't want to be to globally classified as stupid, Which I normally am, . What is the meaning of the word regests..

I am still waiting for the Russians to discover the' lost library of the Tsar " that was taken out of Constantinople before its fall to the Turks.

Just to think of all the knowledge that is los. The same with the library at Alexandria where all the knowledge of the world was gathered .

Now this discussion is for Humor and here am I crying . .

Hi Ulf, I don't want to be to globally classified as stupid, Which I normally am, . What is the meaning of the word regests..

I am still waiting for the Russians to discover the' lost library of the Tsar " that was taken out of Constantinople before its fall to the Turks.

Just to think of all the knowledge that is lost. The same with the library at Alexandria where all the knowledge of the world was gathered .

Now this discussion is for Humor and here am I crying .sob sob . I want to know everything in the world and the time is so short.

Hi Dries, your questions, "From Latin regesta, plural: compare Old French regestes, plural. See register."

Regarding stupidity, there's a solution for that too, the majority actually overestimate their own intelligence, very few would estimate themselves as stupid unless it is self imposed, the only one allowed who can say that you are stupid in order for you to accept it, are you, you wouldn't accept it if it was said by others, and no matter what, you would likely be in a state of self-denial anyway.

Lost books, one of Russia’s largest academic libraries, which contained rare UN documents, ancient Slavic texts, and over 14 million books went up in smoke in Moscow last year. I'm still trying to understand if the fire was deliberately set and if so, why?

No one can know everything, but the more you know, the greater awareness you'll get about how little you actually do know.

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