Genealogy Humor

Started by Patricia Ann Scoggin on Tuesday, April 29, 2014
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Hi Ulf ,
Thanks for the last paragraph it saves me. So I am one of the clever ones.

Ulf, I will tell you what, don't be stingy spend some money come and visit me here in Namibia, the most peace full place on earth, You can stay for months free of charge just think all the things we can share with each other. Just bring your own Computer and buy a return ticket before hand.
If you love fishing (surf angling) we can do it every day. I have a wife that cleans the house, do the washing and ironing, cooking and all the other household tasks., you shouldn't bother about the complaining,. After
about 55 years of being together, you just Umm and AAh in between.

Thanks for the invite, I have thought about your offer for a week now. I'm not kidding!

Hi Ulf ,
Thanks for the last paragraph it saves me. So I am one of the clever ones.

Ulf, I will tell you what, don't be stingy spend some money come and visit me here in Namibia, the most peace full place on earth, You can stay for months free of charge just think all the things we can share with each other. Just bring your own Computer and buy a return ticket before hand.
If you love fishing (surf angling) we can do it every day. I have a wife that cleans the house, do the washing and ironing, cooking and all the other household tasks., you shouldn't bother about the complaining,. After
about 55 years of being together, you just Umm and AAh in between.

Och I was wondering if I sent it just to make sure I sent it another time.

I am in earnest Come and visit,

A Lesson In Humility 



There was a young man who desired humility. 
He went to an old wise man and said to him, 
"Sir, I wish to be humble, but I don't know how 
to obtain it. What must I do to acquire humility?"

The old wise man thought for a minute and replied, 
"Here is what you should do. Go out and find someone 
who is beneath you and do something nice for him. 
Give him something that you have or do something 
for him that needs to be done." 


The young man replied, "I can do that!" 
He immediately left and came upon a homeless man 
on the street who looked like he had not eaten in days. 
He took the man to a restaurant and bought him a nice 
hot meal. After he dropped off the homeless man, the 
young man, who was feeling pretty good, returned to 
the wise man and told him what he had done. 
He then asked him, "Do I now have humility?" 



The wise old man replied, "Not yet!" 



The young man's face fell and after a while, he asked 
the wise man, "What else must I do to acquire humility?"


The wise man said, "Go out and find someone else who is 
beneath you and do something nice for him." 



This upset the young man who replied, 
"But I did that already! If I go help someone else, 
will I then have humility?" 



The wise man replied, "No you will not!"

This upset the young man even more and he asked, 
"How many people do I have to help. 10 people?" 



"No!" 



"100 people?" 



"No!" 



"I don't understand. 
Please tell me how many people I have to help? 
How will I know when I have obtained humility?" 
asked the young man. 



The wise old man replied, 
"You will have obtained humility when you can
no longer find anyone that you think is beneath you!" 


"The Pastor's Ass"...

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT!

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS!

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!!!

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own!!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

LOL

a New pastor at his welcoming party at his new congregation . " I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from my wife's bottom too.

Patricia, Where are you? are you OK?

Patricia, Answer. Did my last yoke kill you. ? I don't want to have that on my conscience

Patricia is playing a joke on you...

Sorry, I am alive & well... was working on some other things & thought I would give others a chance to add some humor here!

Miracle Cure?

Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."

A blind woman tried to pick up a man in a bar, finally one brave man took courage and approached her, Hi there! The woman asked him, - Are you a good looking man? He scratched his head wondering why a blind woman even should care about looks and what answer to give, finally he said,
I feels good.

Hope this link works here... It is funny!!! Hope you think so also!!!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/G0PekTUmBdY?feature=player_embedded

This one is on the naughty side, but I hope you all will chuckle anyway... Any comments???

The Top 10 Viagra Advertising Slogans:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your wiener. This is your wiener on drugs.

Yes they were viagrafun, but if someone actually could introduce that pill on the Chinese market, we actually could save the elephants from extinction, wouldn't that also be fun?

The very idea, that eating some sorts of bones from certain animal would actually help men with erectile dysfunction, seems to be idiotic, since the human race lack penis bones, yes, we and spider monkeys are the exception in the animal kingdom, we do not have bones in our penises!

Eating bone, or horn, will not make something that wasn't there to begin with growth, well, perhaps they rely on another sick idea, you are or become what you're eating!

Eat a fruit and become a fruitcake, or, eat a chicken and become chicken!

No, it doesn't work that way, you do not get a lions strength by eating a lion heart, instead, the lion who got killed were slow and stupid, you become that, ... people are full of superstition, sometimes we can just laugh about it, but when a range of species become extinct because of our nonsense, it is not so funny anymore.

Elephant poachers kill rangers, wound Swedish park manager in Congo
http://www.reuters.com/article/us-congodemocratic-poachers-attack-i...

In reading thru these, I started my family tree research after watching "Roots" also (#76). I wonder how many others that movie inspired???

Ancestry and Roots ~ Quotes 71-80

(I have included Geni sites, if I could find one, or sites with info about the authors of these statements, in case you would like to know more about them…)

71. All of the guests on ‘Faces of America’ were deeply moved by what we revealed about their ancestry. We were able to trace the ancestry of Native American writer Louise Erdrich back to 438 A.D. We found that Queen Noor is descended from Royalty, and that’s before she married King Hussein of Jordan. ~ Henry Louis Gates (Henry Louis Gates, Jr.)

72. The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry is like the potato – the best part is under ground. ~ Thomas Overbury (There are several men by this name in Geni, so I don’t know which one said this, See: Thomas Overbury (1630-1634); Sir Thomas Overbury (1581-1613); Thomas Overbury (1485-1544); or maybe someone more current???)

73. I discovered that there is Indian blood in my ancestry on my father’s side – a fact that had not been talked about in my family. No wonder I’ve often been cast in exotic roles – Indian princesses, Russian revolutionaries, Algerians, Gypsies and Greeks. ~ Diana Quick (didn’t find her in Geni, but maybe you can…)

74. In America one drop of black ancestry makes you black. In Brazil, it’s almost as if one drop of white ancestry makes you white. ~ Henry Louis Gates

75. For me, ancestry is just one thing that connects us to people, and feeling connected to other people is generally a good thing, as long as one kind of connection does not have primacy over all the others. Heredity, race and nationhood are not the best criteria by which to judge our fellow humans. ~ Jeremy Hardy (For info about him, see: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/27/jeremy-hardy-fa...: don’t know if this is his profile or not: Private User)

76. Ever since I watched ‘Roots,’ I’ve dreamed of tracing my African ancestry and helping other people do the same. ~ Henry Louis Gates

77. Some people will deny anything that displeases or scares them: unusual pain in their chests, unwanted lumps beneath their skin, or the fact that humans share ancestry with apes are a few examples. Another is climate change. ~ Michael Specter (Don’t know if this is the same man or not… Michael Spector or is this the man: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Specter )

78. A nation is a society united by delusion about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbours. ~ William Ralph Inge (William Inge (aka, "Dean Inge"))

79. I wasn’t trying to work out my own ancestry. I was trying to get people to feel slavery. I was trying to get across the kind of emotional and psychological stones that slavery threw at people. ~ Octavia Butler (Private User -- no info about her at this site & don’t know if this is the right person; see: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Octavia_E._Butler - this site may be about the author of this statement)

80. I know my father and my mother, but beyond that I cannot go. My ancestry is blurred. ~ V.S. Naipaul (V. S. Naipaul )

"Diana Quick (didn’t find her in Geni, but maybe you can…)" Nopp. maybe someone didn't want to put her up?
His first wife Kenneth Cranham
was actress Diana Marilyn Quick (born 23 November 1946)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diana_Quick

Regarding post "72".

Another quote: Beauty is only skin deep.

Author. Sir Thomas Overbury. Profession: Poet
Nationality: English
Born: 1581
Died: 1613

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Overbury
Sir Thomas Overbury

GUILTY OF ANNOYANCE
Judge to accused "where do you work?"
Defendant " here and there''
Judge "what did you do for a living?
Defendant " this and that'

Judge to court officer. "Put him in prison"

Defendant "when will I get out"
Judge "sooner or later"

Three friends, Peter , Jack and Paul put money together to buy a bottle of wine.
They decided beforehand that Peter will drink Bottom third. Jack the middle third , and Paul the top third. They agree that they wont poor the wine out because each ones part will become mixed with the others parts.

On the way home Peter. decided that he want his share now. He started to get difficult , How will they go about giving him his share without mixing there share.

If you cant puzzle it out I shall give the answer this afternoon

Some general lessons

You have been using Geni for a while and also discovered that you have
some interesting lines in your tree,well, here's something to think about.

1. You are possible related to Mohammed

If you ever visit any Islamic countries, KEEP SHUT UP about it, or else,
you will be lucky to just being beaten up, less lucky to find yourselves behind bars and a very sorrow ass if you're dangling in a lamp post or just beheaded on the street. Prejudicial thoughts you think, wake up, in many of those countries people get jail for saying that they are atheist, just imagine what they would do with a blasphemer who claims to be a descendant of the very prophet himself, especially one who is not even a Muslim...

2. You find out that you're related to the queen of England!, well lucky you!

But chose carefully to whom you want to share this knowledge, if you tell wrong people, just about anyone random colleague at work or any newer friend, it will come back to you like a boomerang and hit you in the neck at various occasion and places, like in the personal cafeteria,
- Look, here's your cousin queen in the paper, but I can't see you anywhere, why weren't you invited? ...etc bullying stuff..

3. You have found out that the most interesting actors and singers are in your tree.

Well, the same warning which applied for the queen fits in here too, depending on whom and why you have informed your so called friends remember, real friends are soooo unusual that the price, if there really were any, for buying one single friendship, which you actually can't, would have landed at a minimum of $150.000, so here again, their knowledge will hit back at you anytime when any random famous person at all are seen or talked about, the little fun you had by noticing them will rapidly turn into regularly mocking with you as the big litter sack and faster than you ever would believe it would be possible, you will regret that you ever said anything to anyone at all.

4.How much can you tell outsiders without getting personally punished?

The answer to this is simple, "Nothing at all!" when it comes to nobility, kings, or famous people, religious icons and guaranteed nothing when it comes to close relationship with billionaires or big politicians, so what should you say when someone finds out that you're interested in genealogy, and they ask you what you have found out?

Just "a white lie". You haven't found any interesting people at all, just a bunch of common simpletons and some poor starving farmers, this is of course half true, since you probably if you're any good at what you're doing also have found them in your tree along with the other ones and remember, no one gives a s**t about common or ordinary poor people!

Take care and remember, genealogy are usually fun, in solitude and behind a closed door.

"Three friends, Peter , Jack and Paul put money together to buy a bottle of wine.
They decided beforehand that Peter will drink Bottom third. Jack the middle third , and Paul the top third. They agree that they wont poor the wine out because each ones part will become mixed with the others parts.

On the way home Peter. decided that he want his share now. He started to get difficult , How will they go about giving him his share without mixing there share.

If you cant puzzle it out I shall give the answer this afternoon"

Peter and Paul changed name with each other...
Peter killed his friends and drank up all by himself...
Peter drilled a hole in the bottom of the bottle, drank of his share and plugged the hole with a piece of chewing-gum...
Peter lay the bottle in the freezer, then used a glass cutter and divided the bottle in 3 pieces...
Peter lured his friends away for a brief moment, pored out some vine on the street and drank up his share, then smashed the bottle into pieces and then pretended that he accidentally had dropped the bottle of wine...
Peter is more or less a scumbag anyhow in all my solutions.

My last solution, maybe the easiest, Peter used a straw that he found on the street outside a McDonald's.

Here's another riddle

One Arabic king had two sons, one of them would inherit his whole kingdom, but he couldn't decide which one of them, so he proclaimed a contest promising that which ever of his sons camels who came last to a certain oasis would be the son who got his kingdom. None of the two sons wanted to be first, so they waited and waited hoping that the other one would start, eventually they went to a wise man and asked him for advice. After that the wise man had spoken they took of at full speed towards the oasis.
What said the wise man?

Turn the bottle upside down. Now the bottom third is next to the opening :-)

That's right Peter, used a straw.

The other Camel riddle : The brothers mounted each others camels.

Yes they did, so the answer to what the wise man said was, change camels with each other.

Showing 1471-1500 of 2115 posts

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