Genealogy Humor

This is some excellent information that I thought should be passed on. I got
it as a message from another list but it something that I wondered about
when I was unable to find a child born in a census year.

Congress specifies a "census day" and the time allowed to take the census.
The census taker was to count the people who lived in each house as of the
"census day." which may include anyone who died after census day, or exclude
any child born after the census day. Analysis is imperative here. (i.e. the
census days for 1820 and 1830 are not exactly 10 years apart. There is a 2
month difference.

So, if a person was born between June 1, 1820 and August 7, 1820 the child
would appear in 1820 as "under 5" and in 1830 as "under 10" rather than "of 10
and under 16," because he would not yet be 10.

CENSUS YEAR CENSUS DAY TIME ALLOWED

1790 2 Aug 1790 = 9 Months
1800 4 Aug 1800 = 9 Months
1810 6 Aug 1810 = 10 Months
1820 7 Aug 1820 = 13 Months
1830 1 June 1830 = 12 Months
1840 1 June 1840 = 18 Months
1850 1 June 1850 = 5 Months
1860 1 June 1860 = 5 Months
1870 1 June 1870 = 5 Months
1880 1 June 1880 = 1 Month
1890 1 June 1890 = 1 Month
1900 1 June 1900 = 1 Month
1910 15 Apr 1910 = 1 Month
1920 1 Jan 1920 = 1 Month

Genealogical Will

"Genealogical Codicil to My Last Will and Testament:

To my spouse, children, guardian, administrator and/or executor.
Upon my demise it is requested that you DO NOT dispose of any or all of my genealogical records, both those prepared personally by me and those records prepared by others which may be in my possession. Including but not limited to books, files, notebooks or computer programs for a period of two years.

During this time period, please attempt to identify one or more persons who would be willing to take custody of the said materials and the responsibility of maintaining and continuing the family histories.

If you know whom within your family or friends are likely candidates to accept these materials, please add the following at this point. "I suggest that the persons contacted regarding the assumption of the custody of these items include but not be limited to" and then list the names of those individuals at this point, with their addresses and telephone numbers if known]. In the event you do not find anyone to accept these materials please contact the various genealogical organizations that I have been a member of and determine if they will accept some parts or all of my genealogical materials.

[List of organizations, addresses and phone numbers at bottom; include local chapters, with their addresses, phone numbers and contact persons if available as well as state- national contact information and addresses]
Please remember that my genealogical endeavors consumed a great deal of time, travel, and money. Therefore it is my desire that the products of these endeavors be allowed to continue in a manner that will make them available to others in the future.

Signature ___________________________

Date ___________

Witness ____________________________

Date ___________

Witness ____________________________

Date ___________

Unfortunately this is in Afrikaans : Vandag sou my groot groot oupagrootjie se verjaardag gewees het.
Ek is trots op te se hy was 'n 1ste wereld oorlog veteraan. Hy het alleen en eiehandig sonder om aan sy eie veiligheid te dink die hele Duitse Kommunikasie stelsel verpletter.
Hy het hul Posduif op ge-eet.
Author unknown.

Annelee de Wit b1c1d6e8f7g1

Today would have been my great grandfather's grandfather's birthday.I'm proud to say he was a 1st World War veteran. He alone and without regard to his own safety, destroyed the entire German communication system. He ate all their carrier pigeons.

Thanking you Mr Martinsson. Kind Regards Annelee

Found this & thought it had some good advice for all of us...

When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
Don’t Open Your Mouth:
1) In the heat of anger - Proverbs 14:17
2) When you don’t have all the facts - Proverbs 18:13
3) When you haven’t verified the story - Deuteronomy 17:6
4) If your words will offend a weaker brother - I Corinthians 8:11
5) If your words will be a poor reflection of the Lord or your friends & family - Peter 2:21-23
6) When you are tempted to joke about sin - Proverbs 14:9
7) When you would be ashamed of your words later - Proverbs 8:8
8) When your tempted to make light of holy things - Ecclesiastes 5:2
9) If your words would convey a wrong impression - Proverbs 17:27
10) If the issue is none of your business - Proverbs 14:10
11) When you are tempted to tell an outright lie - Proverbs 4:24
12) If your words will damage someone’s reputation - Proverbs 16:27
13) If your words will destroy a friendship - Proverbs 25:28
14) When you are feeling critical - James 3:9
15) If you can’t speak without yelling - Proverbs 25:28
16) When it is time to listen - Proverbs 13:1
17) If you may have to eat your words later - Proverbs 18:21
19) If you have already said it more than one time (Then it becomes nagging) - Proverbs 18:13
20) When you are tempted to flatter a wicked person - Proverbs 24:24
21) When you are supposed to be working instead - Proverbs 14:23

Proverbs 21:23
“Whosoever keepeth his mouth and his tongue, keepeth his soul from trouble.”

Judi Burns! Thanks for posting about the Census dates and also the Genealogical Will :)

Annelee, that's a good one. I believe you.

I am farming in Namibia, planting wheat and so on. The birds are a pest and each year eat more ore less my whole harvest. So I decided to make a Scare Crow that looks just like my mother in law. You know what!!!! The next morning the birds starts bringing back the previous years harvest.

I have a very strange neighbor: last night he return drunk and for two hours knock on his own front door. later on I moved over and remind him that he have divorced his wife ten years ago and is staying alone in the house.

My brother who was a bachelor had a friend Jurie , who was divorced from his wife after a marriage of about one year. not knowing his history i asked him if he was ever interested in a woman.
To my utmost astonishment he nearly get a nervous breakdown. Exclaiming don`t remind me of that horrible time the most disgust full time in my life: Every day for one year
Don`t smoke so much, wash your hands and come to eat, you will be late for work, come to bed , put off the T/v , did you bath, did you put your washing in the basket, rub your shoes on the mat before entering the house. your snoring keep me awake. You should keep to one brandy a night. and lots more.
You wont believe me he even shudder when he named all that unpleasant things

I Get a warning never ever to remind him about that most horrible year in his life.

r , .

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws'

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

'HEBREWS'

Ulf,dit is nog altyd vir my wonderlik hoe goed jy Afrikaans kan verstaan.

My son is home for a few days and he say that he have read that all Scandinavian peoples little fingers first joint ( the one that`s still part of the hand ) is bigger than the others hands` one. With me my right hands joint is bigger than the left Feel your finger and please respond.

Patricia, My wife is going to read that one about keeping your mouth shut,to me to night,. It can just be that she pick up some thing useful. We have been married for 56 years. I just want to warn the young ones. It is not getting better with time, it is getting worse. At the end you are just to lazy to move out.

.

Dries,
I have Scandinavian ancestors (3-5 generations back) on both sides of the family, as well as Scottish, English & French primarily. When I looked at my little fingers first joint-- they look to be the same length. Wonder what that means???
Pat

OK I will ask my son where he get that information. But it is not the length, its the thickness of the knuckle on the hand that matters. Maybe its only we Bezzirkers (Vikings who have been hid to many times on the head with an ax) that have that thickness on the Joint )

Another thing that i want to warn the young ones about is: NEVER USE A LAXATIVE AND AND A SLEEPING PILL the same night. Specially not on your WEDDING NIGHT you will sleep on your own bed for the rest of your life.

Top 8 Idiots of the year!

1. *AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo...!!!)

8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?

Hmmmmmm! We all want more, but here is something to consider...

Money
It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A more true Friend you will never find.

So true Patricia. Thanks. Here is something I got from my son the other day.
Nothing in life is worth fighting for. Your best clothes is someone's rag, your account balance is someone,s donation at a function, your girl friend/boy friend or fiance/fiancee' is someone's Ex. Every single prostitute you see in a hotel or on the street at night was at some point in time a virgin. So what is the squabble all about? Life is too short and small to feel bigger or better than anybody. "We're all naked to death" says Steve Jobs. "Nothing can save us from it." I hate to see people who brag about wealth, beauty, intelligence, level of education, fame and material possessions. There's nothing you've achieved in life that no one else has never gotten. The office you occupy today was occupied by someone yesterday and will be occupied by another person tomorrow. You don't know whom that person might be. There's only one thing that is worth bragging about which is Life in God. So be good to your fellow man and always make friends. Always remember that the people you trampled upon on your way up a ladder will be the same set of people you're likely to pass on your way down, so cause no problem for others or make life unbearable for another by virtue of your position, because if you do, they'll become your very problem one day. Finally, even banana stems will one day become dried leaves. Please don;t be selfish. If one day you feel like crying call me. I don't promise to make you laugh but I can cry with you. If one day you want to run away don't be afraid to call me. I promise to be there running beside you. But if one day you call me and there's no answer, come to me, perhaps I need you.
One day, one of us will not be here and then it'll be too late to say I care.. Tears may flow but I will be long gone. So, send to your best friends no matter how often you talk or how close you are. Let old friends know you haven;t forgotten them and new friends know you never will.

Annelie, that is outstanding advice. If more people subscribed to it there would be a lot less problems in the world!!! There would be less (or no) hate crimes, murders, wars, etc!!! I am going to copy it and send it to those on my home email list. I hope others may do the same. It is worth passing on to our friends & acquaintances.

Have a great day & year to come. Angels be with you.
Hugs,
Pat

Thanks Pat, The angels are with me every day. May they also be with you my friend. Kind regards and lots of love from a cold Pretoria. Annelee

Hentiesbaai in Namibia, is what you can call an" Old age Town" . We usually greet each other with 'how are you today' The reply to that: '"You complain first'

Dries, sounds like a good response I wouldn't mind using sometimes!!! I had to chuckle!
Have a great day.

Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool!

Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,
Your Dad

Annelee de Wit b1c1d6e8f7g1 Fun, just wondering in what virtual reality apps they gonna mate...

Ulf I am not a computer boffin but perhaps an external hard drive

Annelee,
Loved it!!! In today's world of social media usage Dad gave some outstanding advice!!!!!!!!

Bran Flakes

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. ''What are the greens fees?' grumbled Tony.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne, 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

St. Peter said, 'Never again.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.

Two Large Plastic Garbage Bags


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.               

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."


"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."                 

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Lambeau Field parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.' "


"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"


“Well, you know, not everybody pays."

Some of you may have seen this one before but it is soooooo funny I thought I would put it here again. Hope you chuckle as you read it (again???).

Family Skeletons
BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN 


You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. 



A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: 

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889." 



Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a headshot. 



Next, we rewrite the text: 


"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

You Know You're An Old Fart When...

..... You’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
..... You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
..... Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
..... Someone compliments you on your layered look... and you're wearing a bikini.
..... You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
..... The word "TOOTH" brush takes on a very LITERAL meaning.
..... Your memory starts to go and the only thing you can retain is water.
..... You have looked and looked, high and low, room-to-room, inside and outside, and even in the trash. You have desperately and intensely looked simply EVERYWHERE for your glasses. And when you're about to pull your hair out in frustration, you find them on your head.
..... You frequently find yourself telling people what a gallon of gas USED to cost.
..... You consider consciousness as, ‘That annoying time between naps.’
..... You turn out the lights for economic reasons, rather than romantic reasons.
..... You stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
..... You start video taping Wheel of Fortune.


..... Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
..... You suffer the embarrassment of setting off a metal detector with your artificial hip replacement.
..... You find yourself saying, Well, when I was your age... we didn't have all this here electronic stuff to play with. We had to invent our own fun and we actually played OUTSIDE instead of sittin' on the damn couch all day long.
..... You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
..... Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments”.
..... Every time you suck in your gut, your pants fall down around your knees.
..... You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
..... You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
..... Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..... You take your grandkids trick or treating and people keep saying, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask. 

..... You start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. Now that's scary!
..... You have had a headache for days... and then you realize that you had been wearing your wife’s glasses the whole time.
..... You forget what you went to the store for... and it was toilet paper.
..... Your false teeth aren't fitting right and you think they just might need an adjustment, but you realize that they are really your husbands’ teeth. The funny thing is, he hasn't even noticed yet.
..... Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
..... You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
..... It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
..... You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more
..... The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals
..... Your idea of a night out.... is sitting OUT on the patio.
..... Your memory is shorter, but your complaining lasts longer.
..... You wear black socks with sandals.
..... You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
..... It takes at least two tries to get up from the couch.
..... You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
..... You spend a lot of time thinking about the "here-after". You go somewhere to get something... then wonder what you're "here after".
..... You are at the breakfast table and you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating any cereal.
..... People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
..... You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
..... You realize that you should NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
..... You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
..... Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
..... Your broad mind and your narrow waist have exchanged places.
..... You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.
..... It takes twice as long to look half as good.
..... Happy hour is a nap.
..... The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
..... You light the candles on your birthday cake, and everyone forms a circle and starts singing "Kumbaya."
..... Your back goes out more than you do..
..... You can hide your own Easter eggs. 
..... Every time you think of exercising, you go and lie down until the thought goes away.
..... There are fewer things you are willing to wait in line for.
..... You are anti-everything: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
..... You go to your class reunion and your former classmates are so old, they can't see you, recognize you, much less remember you.
..... You never pass up an opportunity to pee.
..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
..... You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
..... You find yourself smiling all the time, because you can't hear a word anyone is saying.
..... You begin to refer to your wrinkles as "character lines".
..... You start your sentences with, "When I was your age...".
..... Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
..... You’re sneaking a nap, and people keep shaking you and asking, "are you alright?", because they are worried that you're dead.
..... You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
..... Your joints are more accurate than the meteorologists at the National Weather Service.
..... Your fiber laxative becomes one of your main food groups.
..... You have to change your underwear EVERY DARN TIME you sneeze.

..... Your birthday candles set off the smoke and fire detectors. 

..... A sexy girl passes by, and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
..... You go bra-less and it pulls the wrinkles out of your face.
..... You are getting your yearly mammogram and you realize that this is the only time anyone ever sees you topless any more.
..... The Grandchildren think you have taken up a new foreign language, but all you did was "take your teeth out".
..... Someone is checking out your "FALSIES", and it's your smile.
..... You have more hair in your ears than on your head. 

..... The only thing REALLY HOT about you are your HOT FLASHES.
..... The term "getting lucky" means you were able to find you car in the parking lot today.
..... You have looked EVERYWHERE for you car keys, and you wind up finding them in the cars ignition.
..... You wave to your neighbors, and your arm flab is still wavin' long after they've gone.
..... The only thing "gettin' hard" is your arteries.
..... You realize that over half the stuff in your shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief."