Genealogy Humor

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.

Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

One Smart Guy Invented
"WhatsApp"

His Wife Added a feature in it called

'Last Seen At'😜👌

Thank god she didnt add 'last seen with'

At 80 years old, George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "Yeah, God and me are tight. He knows that I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof) the light goes on; when I'm done... (poof) the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through... (poof) the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God, he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Ha ha! LOL 😂

I was in the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, " Hello Ladies are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales.
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three Whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember

Some of these are really a head scratcher!!! Some are just funny!

Funny Thoughts To Ponder 11

1) Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
2) Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?
3) If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity?
4) If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
5) What happens when you put a light saber in water?
6) On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?
7) If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
8) If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?
9) If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
10) How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
11) Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
12) Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
13) What do you call male ballerinas?
14) Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
15) Why is it "a penny for your thoughts", but you "put your two cents in"?
16) Why do they say "easy as pie"? Making a pie is not that easy.
17) Why people are so scared of mice, which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Mickey Mouse, who is bigger than us?
18) Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
19) Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from?
20) Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?
21) Can bald men get lice?
22) When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
23) Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?
24) Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
25) How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
26) Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam.
27) What is another word for "thesaurus"?
28) Do married people really live longer than single people, or does it just seem longer?
29) Does the postman deliver his own mail?
30) Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?

THE PIANO TUNER

A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.

So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.

Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.

After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.

To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."

"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."

"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."

Patrcia, I am tune deaf: What is the meaning of "Opporknockity only tunes once" Sorry I am so slow.

You know Late King George, the Queens father was a down to earth person:

(But before I go further with this hopefully humorist story I first have to to explain to the younger ones what a "Primus" is: Its a stove that burns with vaporized oil. It has tank that you fill with liquid paraffin. You have to pump air in tank, that take some effort. . Then light spirits in the container just below the vaporizer nozzle and when heated open the nozzle ) More or less like today's gas stove. ))

Now back to late King George.
During the second world war my Uncle,under
unexplainable circumstances, landed with the Royal Palace guard. Those with the red jackets and black bearskin headgear . Him a South African, and the Anglo/Boer war still fresh in memory always get the most dreadful shifts. From twelve to eight at night.

King George was an early riser and usually go for a brisk walk on the palace grounds so it happens that he often met my uncle on guard duty. This specific morning it was very cold and a drizzly:

"Morning young man " he greeted my uncle. "a Terrible day, i wish i had something to drive this cold away."
Coming smartly at attention, presenting arms and all he replied. :" Yes you Majesty, a cup of scalding warm tea will do the thing"
Turning his face towards the Palace and with his hands making a trumpet in front of his mouth he shouted:: '' Lizbeeethhh!!!!!! , Margreeetttt!!!!!!!!Marrryyyy!!!!!!!! pump the primus and make this young man a nice hot cup of tea"

Dries,
I believe it is a pun on his last name = "Opportunity only tunes once". Isn't there a saying of opportunity knocks once or something similar???

Yes,you are right. My wife, who is quicker than me show it out to me after I had sent my letter.

THE CYCLE OF LIFE.....
 
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California.
Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.

They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."
"OK."
 
Ten years later at 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."
 
Ten years later at 50. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
 
At 60 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"
 
At 70 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
 
At 80 -
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before.

This is not humorous, but food for thought...

My dearest son

The day that you see me old I ask that you please have patience and that above all, you try to understand, my dearest son, if, when I talk to you and I repeat the same things a thousand and one times, don’t interrupt me to point out that I’ve already told you that, instead, please just listen to me. And remember a time when you were a little boy when I would read your school work day after day and talked to you till you went to sleep when you were scared.

When I do not want to have a shower, don’t scold me and please don’t try to embarrass me. Remember, instead, a time when I had to chase you with a thousand excuses I invented, in order to get you to bathe, when you were a little boy.

When you see my ignorance of new technologies, give me the necessary time to learn.
And please don’t roll your eyes or look at me with a mocking face. Remember, my dearest, I taught you how to do so many things: to eat properly. to dress and groom yourself, and how you can confront and deal with life.

The day you notice I became old please have patience and, above all, please try to understand me. If, occasionally, I lose the memory or the thread of our conversation, let me have the necessary time to remember… and if I cannot do it, don’t become nervous, or impatient or arrogant. Instead just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to simply be with you and have you listening to me.

And when my tired old legs won’t let me walk as before… give me your hand… In much the same way I did for you when you made your first steps.

And when someday I tell you that I do not want to live any more... that I am ready to die… please do not get upset until then, just try to understand that at my age we reach a point where we do not live any more.

We just exist. When this day comes for me, you must not feel sad, and or incompetent for seeing me like this. Instead, I ask that you be with me, that you try to understand me and that you help me.

Help me as I journey to the end of my life with love. And with a deep understanding of and appreciation for the gift of time and love we were blessed to share together. I will thank you by a smile and by the immense love I have always had for you.

10 Things It Took Me 50 Years to Learn

1) Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2) There can be a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
3) You should never confuse your career with your life.
4) No matter what happens in life, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
5) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
6) Never lick a steak knife.
7) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
8) The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9) Nobody can give me a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10) A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

Thoughts About Aging

** Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
** The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
** When you are discouraged about your age, and wish to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
** Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

The Monastery

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him:
"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here was complain."

Here is another one that I hope will result in some chuckles.

A Difficult Question

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice? I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

Thinking to himself ("At last, I got you!"), the interviewer smiled and said, "How???"

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you would ask me ONLY ONE difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

A Good Golfing Story...

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

 Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? You know you smiled...)

Advice from a Considerate Spouse & Retired Husband

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Peter. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Penny. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Penny to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit the door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but know it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. I Think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think that is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Penny. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Peter.

EDITOR'S NOTE
Peter died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Galloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver 11 golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Penny was arrested and charged with murder. The all-Woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Peter, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Food for thought:

A Teacher’s Lesson

One day a school teacher wrote on the board the following:

9x1 = 7
9x2 = 18
9x3 = 27
9x4 = 36
9x5 = 45
9x6 = 54
9x7 = 63
9x8 = 72
9x9 = 81
9x10 = 90

When he was done, he looked to the students and they were all laughing at him, because of the first equation which was wrong, and then the teacher said the following:

“I wrote that first one wrong on purpose, because I wanted you to learn something important. This was for you to know how the world out there will treat you. You can see that I wrote RIGHT 9 times, but none of you congratulated me for it, you all laughed and criticized me because of one wrong thing I did. So, this is the lesson...

“The world will never appreciate the good you do a million times, but will criticize the one wrong thing you do... But don’t get discouraged. ALWAYS RISE ABOVE ALL THE LAUGHTER AND CRITICISM. STAY STRONG.”

Share this if you agree.

This one was a dead catch...

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

The player had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland.

It wouldn't have done him any good anyway. The Northern Ireland version is that he is asked "But are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?"

Need to Pay More Attention...

Mother to son while doing his homework : “Who was Napoleon?”
Son replied : “I do not know.”
Mother : “You must give more attention to your homework?”
Son : “Mom who is Amanda?”
Mother : “I do not know.”
Son : “You must give more attention to dad.”

Hope this shows ok

https://media.geni.com/p13/cc/c6/14/70/53444844d32a3481/img_0732_or...

I score 17 out of 24 on genealogy bingo!

Erica, the Bingo card was great... I didn't do very well, but had a few of them.

“The world will never appreciate the good you do a million times, but will criticize the one wrong thing you do... But don’t get discouraged. ALWAYS RISE ABOVE ALL THE LAUGHTER AND CRITICISM. STAY STRONG.”

Patricia Ann Scoggin

No they don't.

I corrected several trees last week, added spouses, parents, children, connected families that wasn't connected, raised some profiles from less than 100 forefathers, or max 200 blood relatives into 5000+, etc, etc, and spent a whole day on it, and what was the only single response I got?

-Why have YOU changed the name of xxxx to xxx...don't do that, I have spent almost 30 minutes to correct it!

In Sweden we have a saying, Otack är världens lön, "Ungratefulness is the salary of the world", meaning you will not get recognized for the good things you do, unfortunately, this is a world wide phenomena, as people rarely show gratitude or says thanks, but any small typing error, they will throw back in your face, wondering what the h*ll you're doing or why you're poking around in "their" parts of the tree...

Don't take shit and be happy about the good work you do, even if it goes unnoticed!

Ulf, some people are sooooooo sensitive & so ready to be offended or take offense at the least little thing AND forgotten how to be thankful for what others do. It is a very sad day that humanity has forgotten their manners & how to say "Thank you."

On a lighter note, hope you chuckle at some or many of these. We all need some humor & to not take ourselves quite so seriously!!! (That is how Angels can fly--they take themselves lightly...)

Interesting Definitions:
* ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
* COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
* INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
* SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
* SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
* TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
* TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
* YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!
* WRINKLES: Something other people have; Similar to my character lines.

Found some more interesting definitions that I will share over the next few days. Hope you chuckle (or at least smile!) as you read thru them...

Definitions Of The Obvious (part 1 A-B)

* ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
* ABSENTEE: A missing golfing accessory.
* ACOUSTIC: An instrument used in shooting pool.
* ACCRUE: People who work on a ship.
* ADAMANT: The very first Insect.
* ADORABLE: What you ring when you go visiting.
* ALARMS: What an octopus is.
* ALIMONY: The High Cost Of Leaving.
* ALIMONY: The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping.
* ANTIDOTE: The reason Mom's Sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you.
* ANTELOPE: Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle!
* ANTISOCIAL: Mother's sister being friendly.
* ANTE MEREDIEM: That's why he's my Uncle.
* ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's.
* ARCHAEOLOGIST: A man whose career lies in ruins.
* ARTERY: Study of paintings.
* ASPIRE: Where dead donkeys are cremated.
* ATLAS: Finally
* AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same as French Kiss, ... only down under!
* AVAIL: Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly.
* AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.
* BACTERIA: The rear entrance to a cafeteria.
* BARIUM: What doctors do when treatment fails.
* BIOLOGY: Study of shopping habits.
* BIPLANE: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.
* BOYCOTT: His crib.... not hers!
* BRIDGE: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding
* BROADBAND: An all girl musical group.
* BRUISE LEE: Inept martial-arts student.
* BUDGET: An attempt to live below your yearnings.
* BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

FYI: This is not humorous, but I found it interesting & thought I would share it with you all.

What is Pedigree Collapse?
1/4/2011
By Diane Haddad

A Rutgers University professor estimates that 80 percent of historical marriages took
place between second or first cousins.

How many ancestors you have doesn't seem like a difficult question, yet genealogists have been attempting to answer it for years. You should be able to double the number of ancestors in each generation (two parents, four grandparents and so on) for 1,024 ancestors in 10 generations. Go back 40 or 50 generations, though, and this formula results in more than a trillion ancestors -- more than the number of people who've ever lived.

What gives? The explanation is pedigree collapse. Rutgers University professor Robin Fox has estimated that 80 percent of historical marriages have taken place between second or closer cousins, causing the same folks to occupy multiple spots on pedigree charts. That means your family tree starts shrinking once you've gone back so many generations.

This genealogical shrinkage makes you cousins with just about everyone. English genealogist, physicist and computer programmer Brian Pears says that "If every single marriage was between second cousins, then 30 generations ago [residents of Britain] would all have needed exactly 4,356,616 ancestors -- still more than the English population at the time."

In 1215, an estimated 2.5 million people lived in England. Pears concludes that each of England's residents in 1300 was an ancestor to nearly every modern Brit. (See his "ancestor paradox" essays here.)

Scholarly research backs him up: In a 1980 Genealogical Demography article "Ancestors at the Norman Conquest," demographer Kenneth Wachter calculated that out of the 1.11 million residents of England at the Norman conquest in 1066, about 86 percent are ancestors to all current residents of England.

In a 1999 paper, Yale University statistician Joseph Chang used a mathematical model to show how all modern Europeans, except recent transplants, have a common ancestor who lived about 1400. Go back to 1000, and 20 percent of adult Europeans alive then have no descendants today, while each of the remaining 80 percent is an ancestor of every European alive today. (See The Atlantic's website for more details.) That's a lot of cousins to look for.

From the March 2011 issue of Family Tree Magazine.
http://www.familytreemagazine.com/article/what-is-pedigree-collapse