Genealogy Humor

Church Bulletins—Bloopers & All

Church Ladies With typewriters...

Now these are funny!!!
 They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:   


1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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5. let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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6. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -- prayer and medication to follow.
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17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B S. Is done.
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20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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24. Donuts will be served after mass in the church basement followed by blood pressure checks.
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25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.’
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At about the same time we got the above Church Bulletins....we received a notice in the mail from a Cremation Company inviting us to a luncheon... my wife wanted to know if they will burn the meat???

Typos can result in some very funny statements as well as some "headaches"!!! (even in genealogy!) Spell-check doesn't always help, in fact sometimes it contributes to the headache!!!

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
  
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
  
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
  
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil in-tent.
  
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
  
Man who leaps off cliff… jumps to conclusion.
  
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted..
  
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. 
 
War not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
  
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
  
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
  
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
  
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
  
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
  
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  
And Finally, Confucius Did Not Say. . . 
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”
 
 

Clever Quotes from Clever Folks

1) “The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” -- Noelie Altito
2) “I might be in the basement. I’ll go upstairs & check.” -- M.C. Escher
3) “There are only two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know.” -- Roger H. Lincoln
4) “All generalizations are false.” -- R.H. Grenier
5) “Summer bachelors, like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.” -- Nora Ephron
6) “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” -- Gore Vidal
7) “Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.” -- Erma Bombeck
8) “All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss.” -- Douglas Adams
9) “I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” -- Frank Lloyd Wright
10) “Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.” -- Carl Sandburg
11) “Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.” -- Wernher von Braun
12) “There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?” -- Les Dawson
13) “In a world where everything is ridiculous, nothing can be ridiculed. You cannot unmask a mask.” -- G.K Chesterton
14) “I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.” -- Jack Handey
15) “Ant that’s the world in a nutshell--an appropriate receptacle.” -- Stan Dunn

For those of us over 70 - coping with the technological world
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 40-year business I ran with several employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my kids, their spouses, my grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.� I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.

I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.

I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean, the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then, if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.

They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.

You would think they could settle on something themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" Every time I check out, just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them.

When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

Colleen, I loved this story involving today's technology! I am 72 & I could really identify with some of it!!! I didn't join the 21st century until 2008 when I got my iMac & was able to use the internet!!!!!! (Eventually found Geni which has expanded my world & can "speak" to cousins & people all over the world!!!)

I refuse to use a cell phone--i get enough robo-junk calls on my land line that need to be removed, don't need to remove them from a cell phone also!!! The same is true with emails--tooooooo many "junk" emails there also!!!! I figure that if I want to let family / friends know what is going on in my life or find out what is going on in theirs, emails work just fine--it is between us, not potentially the world at large!!!!! I don't really care about the opinions of others about things in my life... It isn't the world at larges business!!!!! With all the crazies out there who want to steal identities and have other nefarious purposes, the social media options are really not safe!!! If I want to go some place, I ck google map 1st to find out the directions & go from there... Thankfully my mind is still intact enough that I don't get lost (yet).

I esp. like the ending & had to laugh. Technology is a good thing, but sometime it is soooooo confusing, challenging to learn & difficult to incorporate into your life!!!!!!

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Colleen, these are priceless & very clever! Thanks for the contribution & my morning chuckles!!!

Thoughts for the Day

SEX AT 73
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have 
to cross the road!
 
~~~~~

Answering machine message:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
 
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. 

~~~~~ 
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~ 
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. 

~~~~~ 
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
 
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
 
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
 
~~~~~ 
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
 
~~~~~ 
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
 
~~~~~ 
Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Same as...?

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 

He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 

This one has been around before, but I hope you chuckle, laugh or maybe even scratch your head as you read this list. It has some good ones!!! Any that you have an answer for or just HAVE to answer??? Have a great day.

Questions That Haunt Me!
* If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
* Can you cry under water?
* How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
* Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going?
* Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
* Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
* What disease did cured ham actually have?
* How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
* Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
* If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
* Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?  
* Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
* Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
* If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
* Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
* If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Do the ‘Alphabet’ song and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune?
* Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
* Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
* Why, Why, Why???
* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
* Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
* Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
* Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
* Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
* How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
* Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
* When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
* In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
* Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
* How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...
* The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

~~ Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too! ~~  
**** A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! ****

"All men are cremated equal" a funny thing my husband came up with the other day :)

Before I was a Mom

* Before I was a Mom -
** I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.
* Before I was a Mom -
** I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
* Before I was a Mom -
** I had never been puked on - Pooped on - Spit on - Chewed on, or Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and My thoughts. I slept all night.
* Before I was a Mom -
** I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests... or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
* Before I was a Mom -
** I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
* Before I was a Mom -
** I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important.
* Before I was a Mom -
** I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known The warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Patricia Ann Scoggin
Thank you, making me cry! Love this.

for the "before I was a Mom" post =)

Mothers, you may chuckle at some of these or say: "How true!!!!!!!!" Hope you enjoy this one. Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers.

“Someone said... ” about Mothers

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby... that somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct... that somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring… that somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will 'turn out good'... that somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother... that somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first... that somebody doesn't have two children.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery… that somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten... or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married... that somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home... that somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her... that somebody isn't a mother. 


This isn't just about being a mother; it's about appreciating the people in your life while you have them... no matter who that person is. Pass this on to everyone you know, before it's too late.

Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers in Geni.

What is a Mother?
By: Katherine Nelson Davis

A mother is someone to shelter and guide us,
To love us, whatever we do,
With a warm understanding and infinite patience,
And wonderful gentleness, too.
How often a mother means swift reassurance
In soothing our small, childish fears,
How tenderly mothers watch over their children
And treasure them all through the years!
The heart of a mother is full of forgiveness
For any mistake, big or small,
And generous always in helping her family
Whose needs she has placed above all.
A mother can utter a word of compassion
And make all our cares fall away,
She can brighten a home with the sound of her laughter
And make life delightful and gay.
A mother possesses incredible wisdom
And wonderful insight and skill -
In each human heart is that one special corner
Which only a mother can fill!

I love being a senior, but sometimes we don't hear everything just right.

l ASSUME WE ARE ALL SENIORS ... THIS IS WHY YOU (A SENIOR?) SHOULD LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTORS INSTRUCTIONS.
 
 I WENT TO MY NEARBY CVS PHARMACY, STRAIGHT TO THE BACK, WHERE THE PHARMACISTS’ HIGH COUNTER  IS LOCATED.
 
I TOOK OUT MY LITTLE BROWN BOTTLE, ALONG WITH A TEASPOON, AND SET THEM UP ON THE COUNTER.
 
THE PHARMACIST CAME OVER, SMILED, AND ASKED IF HE COULD HELP ME. 

I SAID,  "YES!  COULD YOU PLEASE TASTE THIS FOR  ME?"

SEEING A SENIOR CITIZEN, THE PHARMACIST WENT ALONG.
 
HE TOOK THE SPOON, PUT A TINY BIT OF THE LIQUID ON IT, PUT IT ON HIS TONGUE AND SWILLED IT AROUND.
 
THEN, WITH A STOMACH-CHURNING LOOK ON HIS FACE, HE SPAT IT OUT ON  THE FLOOR AND BEGAN COUGHING.
 
WHEN HE FINALLY WAS FINISHED, I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYE AND  ASKED, “NOW, DOES THAT TASTE SWEET TO YOU?"
 
THE  PHARMACIST, SHAKING HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH WITH A VENOMOUS LOOK IN HIS EYES YELLED, “HELL NO!!!"
 
I SAID, "OH, THANK GOD!  THAT'S A REAL RELIEF!  MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO HAVE A PHARMACIST "TASTE" MY URINE FOR SUGAR!"
 
I CAN NEVER GO  BACK TO THAT CVS, BUT I REALLY DON'T CARE, BECAUSE THEY AREN'T VERY FRIENDLY THERE ANYMORE!

O this was so funny. Haha

Hi Patrecia, That was good. I am going try it out on my Pharmacist.
It is strange how many South Africans share in your Humanistic Discussions. Susanna Johanna the previous participant is my sixth cousin

Hi Patrecia, That was good. I am going try it out on my Pharmacist.
It is strange how many South Africans share in your Humanistic Discussions. Susanna Johanna the previous participant is my sixth cousin

Susanna Johanna Steyn, b5c1d9e5f6g13h2i1j6 & Martin Andreas Karl (Dries) Potgieter
I am related distantly to both or you. Glad you and everyone else who follows this discussion enjoys having a laugh or two also.

Sadly, some doctors & nurses give poor directions or assume that the person "knows" what to do or hears the directions correctly!!! I tended to over explain things! Oh well, I'm glad I don't have to worry about how well someone does or doesn't hear & understand something now days... Retired life has some advantages!!!!!!!

Some questions to ponder, & no, I don't have the answers. You may even shake your head or chuckle as you read some of them.

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Woke up today thinking I'm past the stage of making history, now I just record it. I was thinking I was a "has been" but then realized that I will never be forgotten, they have my #kit number :D

What a Coincidence!
 
A chicken farmer went to the local bar.  He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." 

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me.  I am celebrating" 

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman. 

"What a coincidence" said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." 

"What a coincidence," said the man.  "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs." 

"This is awesome," said the woman.  "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" 

"I used a different rooster," he said. 

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Haha :D

A Riddle For The Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below! (this is pretty good )


The answer is: "A Last Name."

Sorry Folks... No Dirty Jokes Here!

Very good :)

Lemon Squeeze
 
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

Audio Book

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audio-book version of a novel. 



"I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed," I complained. "He refers to characters I don't know and introduces them a half hour later." 



My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn't until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained: I had my iPod set on "Shuffle."

Thanx. This was fun. Love the lemon squeeze.