Genealogy Humor

Haha, when I ask my husband if he loves me he answers, "I told you before, yes, until further notice"! I keep waiting for the "pink slip" :D

A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
In hatred as in love, we grow like the thing we brood upon. What we loathe, we graft into our very soul. -Mary Renault, novelist (4 Sep 1905-1983)

Be Careful of What You Wish For…

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic, little but cozy restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each one wish."

"Oh," the woman said: "I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards, should remember fairies are female.

That's teach him :D

50th Wedding Anniversary

At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.

Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

*****************************

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word marriage.'"

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Why You Shouldn’t End A Sentence With a Preposition…

On his 60th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.   The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
 
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
 
The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked,  "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
 
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.   When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
 
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

haha funny

I was looking thru some of my store of humor documents for something to post here and came across this & thought it was so appropriate with all of the challenges we face today!!! I found it was originally posted here back in 2014. When I looked back to find out who posted it, I couldn't find it, but found references to it... I think Michael posed it & would like to thank him. It does show how the times have changed. Whether you have read it before or not, I hope it will provide some food for thought! It was fun reading & laughing at some of the humor that was posted back then.

Common Sense Passes

Today, we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life, but died from heart failure at the brink of the Millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools; hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in from rain, the early bird gets the worm and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and new math.

But his health declined when he became infected with the "if-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal legislation.

He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies; when reports were heard of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; when a teen was suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch; when a teacher was fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but couldn't inform the parent when a female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low-flow toilets, smart guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.

Finally, when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son Reason. His three stepbrothers survive him: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Rest in peace Common Sense, as you're dead all over the world, I'm still mourning the death of Good as he lost the self-realization battle with Bad, no more hope for a better tomorrow, bluntly put.

Peanuts

Three guys were standing before a judge. The judge asks the first one "What are you here for?"

He answers "Throwing peanuts into the water at the zoo".

The judge says that doesn't sound too bad, so he asks the second guy. "What are you here for?"

He replies "Throwing peanuts into the water at the zoo."

The judge says that doesn't sound too bad either, so he asks the third guy "I assume you are here too for throwing peanuts into the water at the zoo?"

The third guy says "No Sir, I'm Peanuts."
 

Being a retired RN, I found these hilarious!!! I hope you will also & that you haven't experienced an embarrassing medical situation.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

* 1. A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab." I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
** Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

* 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
** Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

* 3. One day, I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
** Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg        

* 4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
** Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

* 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
** Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

* 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." Bill replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bill produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
** Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

* 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
** Submitted by RN no name

* 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard. "No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"

AND FINALLY!!!
 
* 9. Baby's First Doctor Visit: (This made me laugh out loud. I hope you do also!)
** A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. 

** The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
 
** 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
 
** She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
 
** Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
 
** ‘I know,’ she said, ‘I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’

Gynecologist Appointment

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, ' you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,’ the doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'

'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!’

‘You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!' She implored. 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change'

Patricia Ann - Actually I posted it - thought it was very appropriate. Colleen

The common sense one I mean

Feisty!

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges?!?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Don't mess with old folks!!!

Private,

I really liked the Common Sense one and passed it on thru my email list back then and recycled it again on the 9th, so thank you. It is sooooooo appropriate today!!!

GOODBYE MOM 

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much… I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." 

Let Him Dig

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
 
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
 
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88.
 
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.   Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
 
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."

********* 
Damn women!
They think of every thing!!!!

Learn from your elders... 
(Don't scan through --- read carefully)

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.  So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.  Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. 

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn.  He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all of the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.  He wakes the senior and hands him $500.  The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

You know you're going to send this one on . . . 

("Smothered in his bed... not without knowledge of his wife.") Alexander Lindsay, Master of Crawford

Not sure if it goes here or Cause of Death Project but it was funny.

Bill, what an interesting cause of death!!! Makes one wonder about the relationship between him & his wife & others...

Well, at least it is recognised here that Common Sense was a male, which, I suppose is only common sense really.

This one is a little naughty, so I hope no one will be offended...

Two Old Men Go to a Brothel

Two old men decided that they were close to their last days, and they want to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The Madam took one look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager did as he was told, and the two old men went upstairs and took care of business.

As they were walking home, the first man said, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”

“Dead?” asked his friend. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend said, “Things could have been worse. I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch???... Why the hell would you say that?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!”

"...a Scotch with two drops of water..."

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy
you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water ?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you are my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Yo!! That was good. I meen the two old men. One thing though I dont like people to spread rumours about Me and my friend.;

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

Amazing how your values change as you age! 
(I Love This Woman)

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Unusual (unique?) names in your family? I found this site that was really interesting: [https://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-smolenyak-smolenyak/name-game-... Huffpost - Name Game: Celebrities Have Nothing on the Rest of Us. By: Megan Smolenyak. Updated 25 May 2011]

“Much has been made in recent years of the proclivity of celebrities to give their children unusual names. Who among us wasn’t at least a little befuddled upon first encountering the names Moon Unit Zappa and Moxie Crimefighter Jillette? Contrary to popular belief, though, celebrities have nothing on the rest of us. Distinctive names have been with us through the ages. Want proof?” (Read on....)

*******
This site also has some "odd, strange and funny names" of people who have existed in history: [https://www.geneamusings.com/2007/06/my-census-whacking-index.html Genea-Musings blog - My Census Whacking Index by Randall J Seaver 2006-2018 ]
** [https://www.geneamusings.com/2007/01/more-odd-names-in-history.html Genea-Musings - More Odd Names in History. by Randall J Seaver. 7 Jan 2007] It is copyrighted so will let you go to the site to read it...
** https://www.geneamusings.com/2006/04/what-were-their-parents-thinki... Genea-Musings - What were their parents thinking?. by Randall J Seaver. 24 Apr 2006]

Captain Preserved Fish

Lot of Preserved Fish

https://www.geni.com/search?search_type=people&names=Preserved+...

Thanks Bill,
Bet he was teased a lot in school and as a child (kids can be so cruel!) I wonder whether he went by a nickname??? Looked like it might have been a family name (9 of them)...

Has anyone else found an unusual or unique first name, esp. if it is a "family" name???