Genealogy Humor

Happy New Year to all who follow this discussion. Here are some thoughts with good advice. Hope you think so also.

Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.
* Meanness don't just happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with something' that ain't bothering you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and enjoy the ride.
* Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just shoot you!

By Roy English

Where Pets Came from...

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, ' I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Short notes to ponder:
1.) ’The most valuable antique is an old friend!‘
2.) ’Life is short! Move to the beach and never look back!’
3.) ‘Every man thinks every woman’s dream if to find the perfect man. Please!!! Every woman’s dream is to eat without getting fat!’
4.) ‘Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day, unseen, unheard, but always near, Still loved, still missed and very dear.’

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

''Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence. Before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because, this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS'."

================

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?”

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door on his way to turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police dept. and was asked “Are you calling about burglars?"

He said “Yes, some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot both of them" and he hung up.

Within minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I was told that you said that you’d shot both of them!”

George said, “And I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Don't mess with old people!!!

Great Olde Humor. . .

These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.

Those of us that remember the show, also remember the people.

Unfortunately, they are all gone, So Sad - where has all the good humor gone.


Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knott: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

FYI: Here are the Geni sites for the above actors. Rose Marie isn't in Geni... Anyone want to create a profile for her???

* Paul Lynde: Paul Edward Lynde

* Charley Weaver (Clifford Charles Arquette): Cliff Arquette

* George Gobel: George Gobel

* Don Knotts: Don Knotts

* Rose Marie Mazzetta; (1923-2017) https://www.wikitree.com/wiki/Mazzetta-3 ; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rose_Marie

* Marty Allen (aka: Morton David Allen (Alpern) - 1922 –2018): Marty Allen

Hope you aren’t going insane and won’t for the next or 6 to 12 months.

I just heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace, that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse.

Hope you aren’t going insane and won’t for the next or 6 to 12 months.

I just heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace, that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse.

This is too funny, If you need a break, I think you will enjoy watching this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nORRgU8sGdE

I'm glad I don't have to set the table for them.

Hope you enjoy & laugh at some of these.

THESE ARE OLDER THAN THE HILLS… but still funny… and TRUE!!!

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
"Understandably," he shot her.

( LOVE THIS ONE REALLY>>>)

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies...
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block (?) through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family… unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

✅ Remember... They walk among us, AND they can reproduce...

lol

I don't understand why people hoard TP & other paper goods. Here is a video that provides an alternate for the use of TP, although I think I will pass on it. What do you think???

https://youtu.be/dQM__8Jn978
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQM__8Jn978&feature=youtu.be

FYI: The TP shortage is somewhat real ... when folks are not at work or at other places of business, they're using TP at home rather than at commercial buildings.

Unfortunately, the manufacturing & the "supply chain" of commercial TP isn't easily switched over to making & distributing "residential" TP. So it's not necessarily selfish hoarding ... it is a rather dramatic & sudden shift in the usage!

As a f/u about Toilet paper here is a history you might find interesting:

TOILET PAPER

1. In the 2nd century BC Chinese invented wrapping and padding material known as paper. There are many evidences that confirm that they used that paper like toilet paper too.

2. In the 6th century CE toilet paper was widely used in China..

2A. Historically the first modern toilet paper was made in 1391, when it was created for the needs of the Chinese Emperor family. Each sheet of toilet paper was even perfumed. That was toilet paper as we have come to think of it.

3. In the late fifteenth century, paper became widely available. However, mass manufacturing of modern toilet paper began in the late 19th century. Packaged toilet paper wasn't sold in the United States until 1857.

4. In 1857 Joseph Gayety, introduced loose, flat, aloe medicated sheets of packaged TP to the U.S. He had his name printed on every sheet. Unfortunately, this invention failed.

4A. In 1879, Scott brothers founded the Scott Paper Company. They came up with the idea of customizing rolls for every merchant-customer they had. They sold packages of small rolls and stacked sheets.

4B. In 1879, Walter Alcock, a British businessman, created toilet paper on a roll, too. He was the first that used the perforated toilet roll instead of the common flat sheets.

5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day.

6. That's 10 million trees a year.

7. It wasn't until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper.

8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper in hotels.

9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.

10. The average roll has 333 sheets.

11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.

12. In the middle ages they used something called a gompf stick which was just an actual stick used to scrape.

13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water and French royalty used lace.

14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include: Hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks, fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!).

15. 70-75% of the world still doesn't use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.

16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.

17. Coloured toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1940s.

18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.

19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper but it has to be sealed in special containers and Compressed.

20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.

21. In 1973 Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn't, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.

22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.

23.. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.

23A. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.

24. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody's Perfect.

25. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll, which is still in effect today. Obama tried to triple that but the House wouldn't pass it.

26. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day.

27. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is from Portuguese brand Renova.

27A. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll and comes in several colors including black, red, blue and green.

27B. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.

27C. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.

27D. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper.

28. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the top, you're considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the bottom. (Wonder how this was determined?)

29. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.

29A. The novel takes place in a public bathroom and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.

30. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.

31. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those?

32. During WWII British soldiers were given a toilet paper ration of three sheets per day; American soldiers got 22 sheets per day.

Take a break & listen / watch this video... you will be tapping your foot before the end. They just don't make movies like these.

https://youtu.be/M1F0lBnsnkE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1F0lBnsnkEhttps://youtu.be/M1F0lBn...

Good Advice for Genealogists

* Remember that when a family member passes away, they take a library of memories with them. It’s a genealogist’s duty to record them before that happens.
* Genealogy is like a magic mirror. Look into it, and pretty soon, interesting faces appear.
* The kind of ancestors you have is not as important as the kindness of their descendants.
* If you are the last living link between your grandparents and your grandchildren—don’t break the chain.
* If you don’t want your descendants to put a twisted spin on your life story, write it yourself!
* If you’re the family photographer (and not showing up in photos), your family historian descendants will become upset with you.
* To get your family tree done the fastest, run for political office. Your opponents will have it completed way before the election, and then you can resign if you really didn’t wish to run in the first place.
* Many genealogists neglect telling their own stories, while in the midst of telling the stories about others. Don’t let that happen to your family.
* Your children may not thank you, but if you preserve the family genealogy your great great great great descendants will remember you as super-great!
* If someone’s picture looks like they don’t belong in the family tree, well, maybe they don’t.
* Some think it’s best to grow a family tree one leaf at a time—but as with the spring, you may find that many buds can be produced at the same time.
* Don’t take life seriously. Every genealogist knows nobody gets out alive.
* If at first you don’t succeed, search, search again. That is why we call it re-search.

Remember: “Genealogy isn’t just a pastime; it’s a passion!”

My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!

Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?”

Hope you chuckle a few times as you read thru this and maybe even find some you can identify with.

I was in McDonalds drive-thru this morning and a lady behind me honked and "flipped me off" because I was taking too long to order.

Wow, "Take the high road", I thought to myself.

So when I got to the cashier, I paid for her food too.

I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the cashier told her I had paid for her food.

She looked totally embarrassed...which she should.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too !

After all I paid for it.

Now she has to go through the drive thru again and wait even longer.

😏 She learned today, you don't mess with old people. 😏

Father’s Day quotes

* “Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, storytellers and singers of song.” —Unknown
* “A dad is someone who wants to catch you when you fall. Instead he picks you up, brushes you off and lets you try again.” —Unknown
* “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” — Sigmund Freud
* “No one in this world can love a girl more than her father.” —Michael Ratnadeepak
* “It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” —Anne Sexton
* “My father gave me my dreams. Thanks to him, I could see a future.” —Liza Minnelli
* “No man I ever met was my father’s equal, and I never loved any other man as much.” — Hedy Lamarr
* “My father didn’t do anything unusual. He only did what dads are supposed to do—be there.” —Max Lucado
* “A father is neither an anchor to hold us back, nor a sail to take us there, but a guiding light whose love shows us the way.” —Unknown
* “A good father is one whose only reason for putting down a laughing baby is to pick up a crying one.” —Linda Poindexter
* “You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s. He’s more particular.” —Robert Frost
* “By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” —Charles Wadworth
* “Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” —Reed Markham
* “I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.” —Mario Cuomo
* “When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” —Dave Attell
* “Dads are like chocolate chip cookies; they may have chips or be totally nutty, but they are sweet and make the world a better place, especially for their children.” —Hillary Lytle
* "A man’s worth is measured by how he parents his children. What he gives them, what he keeps away from them, the lessons he teaches and the lessons he allows them to learn on their own.” —Lisa Rogers
* "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it" Proverbs 22:6

Happy Father's Day.

Father’s Day Humor

1. What was the difference between the responsibility of a modern day father and a father of 19th century? In 1900, if a father could provide a roof over the head of his family members, then he was successful. But, a modern father is not successful even if he provides a roof, deck, pool, 4- car garages and vacations.


2. Father is the God who stays back at home, not at heaven.


3. Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Science student: When my father sees my report card!


4. What is the father’s day for a little child? It’s just like another Mother’s day to him, the only difference, however, is that you don’t need to spend so much.


5. Five sons asked their father, “Who is most obedient?
”
Father replied that, “The obedient one doesn’t ever talk back to mother”.
Quickly, one of his five sons replied that “Okay, dad you are the most obedient then”.

6. Once a son asked for another glass full of water to his father, the father said that he already has given 10 glasses of water. The son replied that “Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”


7. A little boy said to pastor that he would give him some money when the little boy is grown up. Pastor thanked him and asked the little boy the reason. The little boy mentioned that his father says that the pastor is one of the poorest preachers they ever had.


8. Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today?

To whom am I speaking?


Voice: This is my father.

9. A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“…Which bus would I take home?”

10. Father and his son were quietly sitting on a beach and were counting the waves. Suddenly, the child pointed towards a dead bird and asked what happened to it? His father replied that, it just passed away and went to heaven. The little boy thought for a moment and asked surprisingly, why did God did throw it back then?


11. Name two people who don’t ever hesitate to embarrass you in front of your friends? Mom and Dad!!


12. "Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"

"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"

"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"

13. Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one!

14. Letters

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.


Love,
 Your $on




The Reply: (to the above)



Dear Son,


I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.


Dad


15. One evening a little girl and her parents were sitting around the table eating supper. The little girl said, "Daddy, you're the boss, aren't you?" Her Daddy smiled, pleased, and said yes. The little girl continued "That's because Mummy put you in charge, right?"


16. Today nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first father's Day was celebrated. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


17. Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.


Johnny: I don’t have it.


Johnny’s father: Why not?


Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

18. "Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Think about your father: He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it up and your mother sends you: "Go down and see what your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and he knows someone will be coming soon to stop him." -- Bill Cosby 


19. Do fathers always snore? 
No - only when they are asleep!


20. It is a wise father that knows his own child. - William Shakespeare


21. A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me." One kid answered "He married my mother."


22. Did You Know? 
 There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year. 
An estimated $1 billion is spent each year in the United States for Father's Day gifts, but Dad is still paying the bill when it comes to telephone calls from the kids. 


23. New and Improved
: The little girl was sitting in her father's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke, "daddy, did God make you?" 

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh she said," then "daddy, did God make me too?" 

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."
"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"


24. My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. 


25. My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!


26. Dadisms

* "You’re going to sit there until you eat your dinner. I don’t care if you sit there all night."

* "Delayed obedience is disobedience. "

* "When I say no, I mean no. Why? Because, that’s why."

* "If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about."

* "Two wrongs do not make a right."

* "As long as you tried your hardest, that's all that matters."

* "I’m spanking you because I love you. This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you."

* "If I didn't hear it, you didn't say it! "

* "Shape up or ship out."

* "That’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face."
* 
"We’ll do it the right way. My way."

* "Don't ask me, ask your mother."
* 
"This is your last warning. "

* "Four things come not back: time past, the spoken word, the sped arrow and a missed opportunity."

* "You'll realize the value of money once you start earning it. "

* "Son, don't ever get married. And tell that to your kids."
* 
"Enough is enough! "

* "Do what I say, not what I do."

* "When I was your age.... “

Hope you chuckled a few times as you were reading these and maybe even could identify with some of them (?).

History of Father's Day

The first Father's Day was observed in Spokane, Washington, in 1910. Sonora Louise Smart Dodd, of Washington, first proposed the idea of a "Father’s Day" in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart, who was widowed when his wife died in childbirth with their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself. Mrs. Dodd wanted Father's Day to be celebrated on the first Sunday in June, her father's birthday. However, the Spokane council couldn't get the resolution through the first reading until the third Sunday in June. Over the next decade, cities across America began celebrating a day for fathers and in 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day. It wasn't until 1966 that President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day. In 1972, President Richard Nixon established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on the third Sunday of June. This came almost sixty years after Mother's Day had been proclaimed a National day of observance.
The white or red rose is the official flower for Father's Day. Mrs. Dodd suggested that people wear a white rose to honor a father who was deceased and a red rose for a father who was living.

See this site for more history of Father’s Day:
http://www.fathersdaycelebration.com/story-of-fathers-day.html

You think English is easy?

I think a retired English teacher was bored...
THIS IS GREAT! This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

I love this, Patricia Ann Scoggin. You are a treasure!

Ten Most famous and Beloved Patriotic Songs in U.S. History:
1. The Star Spangled Banner (karaoke version)
2. The Battle Hymn of the Republic
3. America the Beautiful
4. God Bless America
5. The Stars and Stripes Forever
6. My Country Tis of Thee
7. Semper Fidelis
8. The Marine's Hymn (From the Halls of Montezuma)
9. God Bless the USA
10. This Land is Your Land

Ten Patriotic Rock Songs (in no particular order):
1. Song for America by Kansas
2. America by Simon and Garfunkel
3. Keep on Rocking in the Free World by Neil Young
4. America by Neil Diamond
5. R.O.C.K. in the U.S.A. by John Mellencamp
6. America the Beautiful by Ray Charles
7. Red, White and Blue by Lynyrd Skynyrd
8. Born in the U.S.A. by Bruce Springsteen
9. Star Spangled Banner by Jimi Hendrix
10. Living in America by James Brown

How Not to Brand a Country, but Succeed Anyway

By Delphine Hirasuna | July 1, 2011
From: https://atissuejournal.com/2011/07/01/how-not-to-brand-a-country-bu...

The occasion of America’s Independence Day on July 4th offers a good time to reflect on how the Star-Spangled Banner became the official flag of the nation. It all started back in 1777. A ragtag army of American colonists was engaged in a fierce battle for independence from Great Britain. Designing an aesthetically pleasing flag to represent themselves was the last thing on their mind. Outnumbered, outspent and outmaneuvered, the Continental Congress had more urgent matters to deal with.

But an emissary from a pro-colonist Native American tribe forced Congress to act by requesting a banner of sorts to display so that scouts would not come under “friendly fire” while on missions for the Continental Army. To prove they were willing to “pay” for such a flag, the emissary included three strings of wampum. Congress hastily put a flag design on its agenda, and 11 days later: “RESOLVED: that the flag of the United states be 13 stripes, alternate red and white; that the Union be 13 stars, white in a blue field representing a new constellation.” This resolution was one of many passed that day. The committee obviously didn’t give the matter much thought, but “borrowed” liberally from several sources, including the Sons of Liberty red-and-white “stripes of rebellion” banner and the 13-star blue canton of the New Hampshire Green Mountain Boys and Rhode Island Continental Regiment.

Since nothing was spelled out, flag-makers interpreted the flag resolution any way they wanted. The stars varied in size, arrangement and points. Sometimes the stars were placed in a circle, staggered in rows, displayed with a big star in the middle surrounded by smaller ones, or just scattered on the blue field as if sewn in place wherever they landed. The red and white stripes also varied in width.

The situation didn’t improve even after the American Revolution. When Kentucky and Vermont won statehood in 1794, Congress agreed to acknowledge them by expanding the number of stars and stripes to 15. Supposedly each time a State entered the Union, it would get its own star and stripe too, but with so many territories slated to enter the Union, Congress decided that the stripes would soon become pinstripes, and decreed that the flag would revert back to 13 horizontal stripes symbolizing the original 13 colonies, with each state represented by a single star.

Even limiting changes to the stars proved problematic. Since 28 states entered the Union between 1818 and 1912, practical flag-makers left unsightly gaps in the blue canton so they could easily stitch another star into place. During the Civil War, the opposite happened, with angry Unionist tearing stars off to protest Confederate secessionist states.

The lack of graphic standards for the American flag proved both negative and positive. Free to interpret the nation’s banner any way they wanted, average Americans creatively applied stars and stripes to everything from pincushions to cans of pickled pork. Sometimes the lack of design sensibility bordered on desecration of the flag. By 1912, when the nation had 48 states, Congress decided that enough was enough. It adopted the graphic guidelines that are in place today. When we consider the history of the American flag, it is a miracle that the Stars & Stripes has become so iconic and recognizable when it ignored every rule of how to build a strong graphic identity.

From: https://www.grandnewflag.com/flag-history/#:~:text=On%20June%2014%2... Flag History

Between 1777 and 1960, Congress passed several acts that changed the shape, design and arrangement of the flag and allowed for additional stars and stripes to be added to reflect the admission of each new state:
* Act of January 13, 1794 provided for 15 stripes and 15 stars after May 1795.
* Act of April 4, 1818 provided for 13 stripes and one star for each state, to be added to the flag on the 4th of July following the admission of each new state, signed by President Monroe.
* Executive Order of President Taft, June 24, 1912 established proportions of the flag and provided for arrangement of the stars in six horizontal rows of eight each, a single point of each star to be upward.
* Executive Order of President Eisenhower, January 3, 1959 provided for the arrangement of the stars in seven rows of seven stars each, staggered horizontally and vertically.
* Executive Order of President Eisenhower, August 21, 1959 provided for the arrangement of the stars in nine rows of stars staggered horizontally and eleven rows of stars staggered vertically.

Our Current Flag
Today the American flag consists of thirteen horizontal stripes, seven red, alternating with six white. The stripes represent the original 13 colonies, the stars represent the 50 states of the Union.

Color Symbolism
• Red symbolizes Hardiness and Valor.
• White symbolizes Purity and Innocence.
• Blue represents Vigilance, Perseverance and Justice.

There are numerous other sites that have info about the history of the American Flag.

ARLINGTON CEMETERY

On one Jeopardy show the final question was "How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns?"

This is really an awesome sight to watch if you've never had the chance.
Fascinating. Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknown and why?
* 21 steps: It alludes to the twenty-one-gun salute which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?
* 21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1

3. Why are his gloves wet?
* His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time and, if not, why not?
* He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?
* Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?

* For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10' and 6' 2' tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30.
* They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform or the tomb in any way.
* After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.
* The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.
* There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror.
* The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone nor watch TV.
* All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe Lewis {the boxer), Medal of Honor winner Audie L. Murphy, the most decorated soldier of WWII and of Hollywood
* Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.

ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC; our US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They respectfully declined the offer, "No way, Sir!" Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment; it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a service person. The tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomb_of_the_Unknown_Soldier_(Arlington)
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4utXb3auOew (changing of the Guard video 9 min) ** This is really an awesome sight to watch if you've never had the chance. Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
* https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/21-famous-people-you-didnt-know-...
* https://www.ranker.com/list/famous-people-buried-at-arlington-natio...

Patricia Ann Scoggin, is there a project for Arlington Guards? Seem like there should be if they are a known group of individuals. I found the Arlington National Cemetery project and realized I had a couple of profiles to enter on it so am in the process of joining, but wondered about this group of elite soldiers.

Susanne Floyd
I'm not sure about a project for that elite group of soldiers. First, most are probably still alive or within the Geni privacy range, so I am not sure if we would be able to add them to the project. I did find that as of 2020 there were 683 who have received the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Guard Identification Badge according to Wikipedia article. Will check with some of the curators to see what they think.